Bah humbug…

This is exactly how I feel today.  Bah humbug.

And this is why.  I got an email from a friend today.  A friend I used to share a house with and who admittedly I have lost “closeness” with.  Her first child was “one time without condom” oops.  A real miracle child considering that my friend was told she’d never have kids.

Once her daughter was born she never went on birth control and she and her husband have been trying for # 2 since their daughter came along.  She’s unfortunatley had 2 miscarriages in the last 3 years and in her email said they did not want to announce their pregnancy until they were past the 12 week mark in light of their history with m/c.  I totally understand that and I am SUPER happy that she is finally going to get her second child.  I really am.

But.

I spoke to her just shot of a month ago.  She had called me to ask me if I was pregnant cos she said she had a feeling I was.  I assured her I was not and she went on about how she was SO sure that I was.  After chatting a bit I asked her where she and her hubby were in terms of ttc.  She said they were still trying.  But she was already nearly 9 weeks pregnant.  I have to admit that I am a bit upset by this “white lie”.  I understand in my heart of hearts why she never annoucned her pregnancy before passing the 12 week mark, but in light of the nature of our conversatoin and how she went on and on and on about her having a feeling *I* was pregnant and not telling, I’m a bit miff with her.

That being said I guess we’re in much the same boat as she was about not wanting to say anything about the pregnancy.  We have not told many people that we’re busy with IVF.  The only people that do know are the people who read this blog, our direct families and one set of RL friends.  With our last treatments we told a lot of people – many of which did not understand the process and honestly probably did not care overmuch.  At this point I just don’t need the added pressure of “everyone” being in the know so to speak…

So the question is this, am I being hypocritical by feeling hurt that she kept this secret from me?

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25 thoughts on “Bah humbug…

  1. I would feel the same way, but I am sensitive like that. I have had a few friends lie to my face in the past few years about pregnancy that I later discovered when they announced at their second trimester. I appreciate and respect them for their decision, though.
    I will confess it’s a bit weird she was calling you with a feeling about YOU, however, when she knew SHE was the pregnant one… that one would give me pause…
    *hugs*

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  2. Putting the most positive spin on it- she’s pregnant and therefore happy and just itching for you to be pregnant, too. But she got it a bit wrong, you know?

    xx

    J

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  3. I think the part that bothers me the most is that she is the one that brought it up. If she wasn’t interested in talking about it, then why make it a topic of conversation?

    I truly hope you are joining her in the big belly club so very soon……..

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  4. Ah Budg, I understand how you feel and I understand why everyone would interpret the conversation like that. But as somebody who’s suffered RPL I so get where your friend is coming from as well and I really don’t think its from place of nastiness/competitiveness. I’m sure she’s terrified having lost two pregnancies already, she probably doesn’t have anyone to talk to about it so on some level speaking to you offered her some form of comfort. Perhaps she started out with the intention of telling you but at the last minute chickened out. I know I feel lik that when I’m pregnant, we always agree not to tell anyone, but I always want to just for some comfort and support but at the same time I get afraid to share the news incase I jinx it or even worse land up once again having to announce a few days later that we’ve lost another one.

    I know its hard and you have your own kak to deal with but try not to let the fact that she witheld the info fro you upset you. I’ll put money on the fact it was not to hurt or mislead you.
    (((hugs)))

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  5. Hi Sam, I must say I would be miffed too, what was the point of the conversation then?

    Although I would *love* not to tell any one when I’m pregnant (except my mom and sis), I also know that I have no choice. I’m so close with my family and S’s family and that would be impossible. But saying that, when you’ve suffered a few losses, *the* most annoying thing any one can tell you is to be positive, not to worry and to congratulate you with such excitement even though you are’nt expressing any excitement because you are shit scared thereby denying your feelings completely. It’s on those grounds that I would like to keep it under wraps.
    But that being said, I don’t think you’re being hypocritical, feelings are just that, feelings.

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  6. Hey Sam, I think that in light of what you’ve been through, she handled the situation very insensitively, she went on and on about how she felt that you were pregnant, all the while being pregnant herself. I understand that she’s shit scared, but then should also understand where you’re coming from, I think you have grounds for feeling like you do.
    ((((((HUGS))))))

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  7. This is a difficult one. I, however, understand where you come from, but can also understand her situation.

    I had a friend who got pregnant with her second one, by accident, and she also did not tell until around 12 weeks, although I had a suspicion and there were several discussion iro pregnancy, ttc etc, between us, where she could have told me. I, unfortunately later on, had to hear with a bulk sms, like everyone else. I also felt a bit hurt, because we were/is very close and as I had a suspicion – she could have told me. They also had no history of mc or anything.

    But nou ja, later one I realised that she was in shock and she only told her DH about a week or so after she found out. I suspect that she/they had to deal with their “glipsie” before they were willing to tell anyone as it was quite close to their first born.

    Therefore, you friend probably has her personal reasons for not telling you and she probably did not intend to hurt you, but that still does not make it any easier, does it?

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  8. It was probably her way of going into “self preservation” mode. I think it was a bit insensitive of her to bring up ttc etc during your phone convo but I wouldnt be mad at her for not saying anything until now, she was protecting herself??

    What about an update on your IVF??

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  9. I can see both sides. Honestly, I think she was calling to tell you that she was pregnant that day and wanted to know if you were too. I think she may have been trying to spare your feelings if you weren’t.

    I had a similiar thing happen to me. I got a call from my college roomate. I had just miscarried (it was a realllly long and complicated miscarriage). She asked me how things were going and I spilled my guts and told her everything. Well, it turns out she was calling to tell me she was pregnant. SHe didn’t that day. She waited almost two more months and told me the day she sent out the shower invites. I know that she was trying to be good to me.. but, she was my friend and I missed out sharing her pregnancy with her. I felt that she thought I was so wrapped up in my own crap that I couldn’t find a little spot to be happy for her.

    So like I said. I see both sides. I see why you are hurt.. I was too. But, maybe she was trying to not hurt you. She had to tell you at 12 weeks because everyone else would know and she should be the one to tell you. But, maybe she really did think you were pregnant, planned on telling you and felt like a jerk when you weren’t pregnant.

    Does that make any sense?

    (((HUGS to you)))

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  10. I’d be miffed if I thought she was lying to me but telling other people. But if it’s a situation where she’s really not telling anybody before a certain point, I think it’s excusable to lie.

    Being told after everyone else because you’re infertile is offensive despite being an attempt at kindness. Being told before others (to give you an easier setting to hear about it compared to a big announcement in front of everyone, as happened to me last month) is a more successful attempt at kindness.

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  11. OK I cannot lie to you now I confess I am a liar and should the Gods ever smile on us again I promise you I will be a liar again. I lied about my last 2 pregnancies. I lied alot in my last pg; I even lied to my own mother straight to her face not once but twice. She asked me if I was pg and I said flat out no and changed the topic. When I eventually told my mother she said she knew I was pg, I felt terrible lying to my own mother like that but she said she totally understood given our situation. I still feel really bad about the whole thing.

    The reason for my dishonesty is one I am intensely private about my IF battle and treatments and don’t want to discuss it or have cycle buddies or anything like that (because guess what I am the one who always gets left behind) and two when it goes wrong which it always does I want to retreat to my cave high up in the mountains and lick my wounds on my own. I don’t want people to see my pain, I don’t want to have to explain to people, I don’t want to have to hear their well meaning assvise, I want none of it, even my husband just leaves me be.

    Right now I am dealing with so many people questioning me and giving assvice I don’t need (present company excluded) They don’t know me at all or any of my TTC history but they take it upon themselves to constantly ask me questions about when we are going try again and advising that they know X who also had a 2nd trimester loss and within 1 year had a baby. We must not give up, have faith, in Gods time, everything happens for a reason blah blah. How I wished I had carried on lying because then we would not have had deal with all this unsolicited assvice but we thought that at 16 weeks it “should” be Ok and I was also developing a fairly visible pg bump. Never ever again. If the Gods ever smile on us again and we should ever even make it to the 3rd trimester with a very visible bump, I will lie telling people that I have gotten a whole lot fatter. Most people will probably only find out the day they see us carrying a breathing living baby.

    Why would I be so mean and dishonest to people you may ask. It has nothing to do with anyone else, I am not being mean or spiteful or hurtful, it’s about me, it’s about protecting myself from the hurt when it all goes wrong again. It about protecting us from assvise from people who have no concept of what we have endured. It’s about protecting us from the inevitable skinner. I know there are of my friends who were angry that we only told them at 14 weeks, who were angry because we lied but you know what I don’t feel bad because it justified itself everything once again all went wrong.

    So after that incredibly long winded blah blah what I want to say is that lies sometimes are no offence to anyone, they are not intended to hurt or exclude but is merely a form of protection. Although given your friends history it is probably not entirely the case but more her trying version of trying to protect you but I think she went about it the wrong way, if she was not prepared to discuss her pg why bring the subject up at all, she should have just left it at that. I don’t think you are being hypocritical given the particular circumstances. Perhaps you should mention to her that you were somewhat perplexed at the whole incident and the way it was handled and maybe get her to explain why she handled it that way

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  12. i think maybe she felt guilty that she had gotten pregnant and as your friend she desperately wanted you to be pregnant also so you could celebrate and be happy together. but i agree with everyone else here. she definitely didn’t go about it the right way. she should have just been honest.

    what i’ve learned from my friends with babies and how they treat me is that they are ever so careful about what they say to me. they are scared to death of saying something that’ll set me off into a flood of tears. as a result, sometimes they say really stupid shit. my guess is that from her standpoint (and maybe it’ll be yours hopefully soon too) is that when you actually do get pregnant at the end of it all, is that it’s probably hard to let yourself be fully excited about your own pregnancy because you feel bad that your friend is still struggling and you know that it will hurt them to hear that you are pregnant. regardless, i’m sorry that she hurt you. this infertility bullshit sucks!

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  13. We’re all hypocrites. No matter how much I try to understand the white lies, they still hurt my feelings. I feel like everyone’s in on this wonderful secret that I don’t get to be a part of. Which is ridiculous, but it does bother me. I can’t help it. Neither can you.

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  14. Here from ICLW. I agree with some of the above comments. The part that would have bothered me is that she called to ask you pointedly when you might not have wanted to talk about or announce a pregnancy either.

    I waited until 13 weeks to tell anyone but my DH and shrink. A friend asked at 11 weeks and said no to her. I explained later that I was sorry but uncomfortable about saying anything until I was ready.

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  15. I agree with Erin and several of the other commenters. It’s one thing if she just didn’t broach the topic at all, but to call you and bring it up and then not be forthcoming – just seems unnecessary.

    I hope everything is going well with your current cycle!

    ICLW #63

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  16. I can see both sides as I have been on both sides. I see where it would hurt to feel lied to but I also understand why she wanted to keep it secret. This whole IF thing sucks and puts us in places that we should not have to be. Hang in there!

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  17. Here from ICLW.

    I think it would bother me, too. There is really never a great time to tell someone about being pregnant when you know that she is having trouble conceiving herself, but to lie about it makes the hurt that much greater. I am so sorry it happened to you. Hugs.

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  18. Here from ICLW..I would feel the same way..If she didn’t want to talk about PG, then why did she bring it up? Esp. since she was already 9wks. Thats just odd..Sometimes people just don’t know how to say things right.

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  19. I can definitely understand being a little miffed, but I definitely understand her not wanting to tell because of her previous miscarriages. Hopefully it will soon be you with the happy news!!! ICLW

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  20. I completely understand – it is an entirely human response! I’ve had the same thing happen to me, when I was getting ready for an ICSI cycle – and the women concerned knew that was happening – when we were chatting I asked if she was still trying – and she told me yes – even though she was 10 weeks pregnant! Your friend was obviously digging for information – she won’t have had to say anything if she hadn’t brought it up!

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  21. I don’t think it is hypocritical at all for you to feel that way. You asked her a direct question and she lied to you. Though her reasons are understandable and justifiable it is still irksome. I would also be annoyed with her repeatedly saying she was sure you were pregnant. I find that upsetting when people do it to me because I never am pregnant! Maybe I would feel better if I actually were sometime…

    ICLW

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  22. I have’nt even told my family. The worst is they either tell me just to relax ( as if) or I get, b ut you have a child already, why are you worried? I’m with you Bah Humbag!

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