The Anger…

…. has been sitting just beneath the surface for a while now.  And last night at therapy it all came bubbling out and it was not very pretty.

Leading up to this IVF I’ve been in a good place, postive that maybe this will be our turn, more balanced in my approach to the treatment and more realistic about my expectations.  But last week I hit a nose dive.  There has just been too much bloody bad news in my little security blanket world.  Cancelled cycles, mind mess cycles, negative pregnancy tests, cycles being pulled back to lesser treatments cos of non response.  *sigh*  It’s messed with my head.  And the anger has been building.

Why is it that this whole process is so fucking unfair?  Why?  Why do some people get their desires granted on their first treatment cycle with clomid or AI or timed intercourse?  Why did we have to go through this bullshit, putting pressure on our marriage, messing with our sex life, having our RL friends withdraw from us cos WE make THEM uncomfortable – like our infertility is contagious.  WHY????

Why when I try and turn to my mother in my moment of anger and sadness does she not listen?  Why does she just tell me to stand on my faith and be postive that it’s all going to turn out with me having a life baby?  Why can’t she just let me have my pity party without calling my faith into question?  Why does it seem like my prayers are not being heard?  And not just my prayers for myself – the prayers I’ve said for others who also deserve to have their hearts desire?  WHY????

I guess I’ll never know.  And that sucks.

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13 thoughts on “The Anger…

  1. I cried when I read this. I so understand where you’re coming from.
    I’m so sorry for us all!
    Its like having some shitty disease that just never goes into remission. It feels like there is no ending!
    (((hugs)))

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  2. I don’t know why either, I’ve also been feeling so burdened lately. I don’t understand why things have to be so difficult. I’m praying for your IVF hon, I truly hope that you will have a BFP, and that life can continue. It’s like we are all on hold while we wait.
    (((HUGS)))

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  3. I’ve asked myself those same questions over and over, it will probably never make sense to us. All I can do is send you love and hugs, and I really really wish you get a BFP with this treatment.
    Lots of love, Amanda xxxxxxxxxxxx

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  4. Hi Sam

    I am sorry that my bad news added to your apprehension. I also feel that DH just needs to listen to me when I talk instead of talking about faith all the time. But he is just reminding me that we need to be positive and confess fruitfulness and hope. This is not easy to do alot of the time altho I am trying. Sigh…my friend I really pray that you will soon be a joyful mother of children. I am glad you are blogging again so you can get it all out.

    Love
    Sweepea

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  5. I’m so sorry hon. IF really can be such a sh-tty situation. Right now, I’m trying to have faith that just as the most righteous matriarchs were infertile and eventually had children, that me and all the other righteous people out there will do so too. (I’d prefer not to have to wait until I’m 99 like Sarah though). 🙂

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  6. I’m sorry, hun. I don’t think your faith has anything to do with any of this. A very wise blogger friend of mine recently wrote this: Power of Prayer and it really struck a cord with me and has given me a great deal of comfort through this last cycle.

    I know it is hard when we listen and watch those we care about and love go through heartache after heartache, very much knowing that our situation could become so similar is just mere moments. I don’t really have any answers, but I feel and share your angst. We just have to keep walking and trying and moving forward. There just aren’t any other options.

    Many hugs, hun. I am glad that you are getting rid of some of that anger in therapy. Very necessary!!

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  7. This sucks!!!

    I wish I could lend my mother out. She really gets it and is totally great about it. I wish I could just start a lending service so everyone could get that motherly support.

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  8. It’s a horrid edgy feeling, isn’t it?

    If it helps, I was pissed at everything and everyone by my third transfer, but it worked anyways. Then I channeled the angst into miscarriage fears 😉

    Take it easy, I’m always up to keeping you company with a virtual glass of wine,

    J

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  9. AAH Sam -I think so many of us can relate to the anger and frustration you feel right now. It sucks big time. The “why” question never seems to get answered and that in itself makes me angry too. Having been through it all I still feel the anger and frustration when my infertile friends experience these things. I know all too well what goes through ones mind. I’ve come to the conclusion that its ok to get angry too – somehow one has to let off some steam.
    Love you lots and wish I could be there for you more.

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  10. I know exactly what you are saying. Earlier this week someone in my office anounced her pregnancy. And of course it hapened by mistake!!! I went home that night and had a big fat cry! Not because I don’t think the lucky lady deserves it, but because everyone seems to be going through a SHIT time lately and it is so dam unfair!!!! %^&* you universe, karma and all that crap…….That is how I feel at the moment.

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  11. I know exactly how you feel. First my mom tells me that I should just stay positive because she “knows” that IVF is going to work, then she tells me that I should not be putting all my happiness in my hopes for having a child! This from someone who had 2 kids with no difficulty at all – she has NO idea what I’m feeling. You have every right to be pissed off. IF sucks donkey balls, and you did nothing to deserve it.

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