…. has been sitting just beneath the surface for a while now. And last night at therapy it all came bubbling out and it was not very pretty.
Leading up to this IVF I’ve been in a good place, postive that maybe this will be our turn, more balanced in my approach to the treatment and more realistic about my expectations. But last week I hit a nose dive. There has just been too much bloody bad news in my little security blanket world. Cancelled cycles, mind mess cycles, negative pregnancy tests, cycles being pulled back to lesser treatments cos of non response. *sigh* It’s messed with my head. And the anger has been building.
Why is it that this whole process is so fucking unfair? Why? Why do some people get their desires granted on their first treatment cycle with clomid or AI or timed intercourse? Why did we have to go through this bullshit, putting pressure on our marriage, messing with our sex life, having our RL friends withdraw from us cos WE make THEM uncomfortable – like our infertility is contagious. WHY????
Why when I try and turn to my mother in my moment of anger and sadness does she not listen? Why does she just tell me to stand on my faith and be postive that it’s all going to turn out with me having a life baby? Why can’t she just let me have my pity party without calling my faith into question? Why does it seem like my prayers are not being heard? And not just my prayers for myself – the prayers I’ve said for others who also deserve to have their hearts desire? WHY????
I guess I’ll never know. And that sucks.