Knock, Knock, Knocking

Holy Crap Dudes! 

2009 is just literally the corner.  And you know what that means, that means fertility treatment… Once again facing the “sparrows fart” mornings, the dildo cam, the injections, the anxiety, the numerous pass/fail points and if we make it that far  – the dreaded 2ww.

In many ways the 5 month ttc break we’ve been on has been good for me.  I’ve realised that I needed to seek therapy to deal with my undealt with anger and remorse over possbilities lost this year (IVF # 1 and FET = FAIL) and the fact that I felt like such a FAILURE for not being able to do what *should* come naturally to me as a woman.  I’ve realised that far too often I take this sense of failure and self deprecation out on the one I love and that because I do this I’ve hurt my marriage.  Most of all this break has given us both a measure  of healing – whether it be internally or for our relationship or just in general looking out at the world going on around us. 

I must admit that at times during this ttc break I’ve felt like I’ve been living in a snow globe – standing in the middle of a snow cloud – looking out as the people around me carried on with life, laughing, procreating and being happy.  And all the while I’ve been in my globe dealing with the aftermath of my shattered dreams.  But you know what?  Somehow through therapy and looking within myself that globe started to crack, and slowly but surely I’ve clawed my way out and onto the path to my happiness again. 

Can I at this stage see myself living child free – not a chance!  But can I see myself being happy while I pursue this dream of ours – heck yes… cos at the end of the day, happiness is where the heart is.  And my heart is surrounded by love of family and friends and right about now I know that that is a pretty special place to be.

I don’t want to make the same mistake that I did going into 2008, I don’t want to expect too much from 2009.  It’s just a year afterall.  It’s just a time frame.  So rather, as I look forward on the path to my happiness, I want to say that I hope and pray that 2009 reveals many blessings to us all – in whatever shape or format that may be. 

And if that happens to include a real live baby or healthy pregnancy?  Cheers to that!


9 thoughts on “Knock, Knock, Knocking

  1. I hope that more than anything that 2009 holds the peace and happiness you deserve! I feel strongly that if your heart won’t let you quit on a baby, than there is a reason behind it.


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