Failure Meltdown…

On Monday we went to play golf at one of the most stunning golf courses in the Eastern Cape – Simola Golf Estate.  It is a Jack Nicklaus signature course and it is gorgeous.  The weather was perfect but sadly my swing seemed to have deserted me…

I was getting really angry and annoyed with myself, cos I would tee off well enough (some of my tee off’s were in fact those really cool “ping” shots that sounded sweet and went really far) but my second and third shots – well they sucked.  I was topping the ball most of the time and it would travel a measly 5 to 10 metres at a time.  The more annoyed I was getting the worse it seemed to get.  (Duh…)  For the life of me I could not hit a ball to save my life.

And then it hit – it bubbled up and out like hot lava – the failure melt down…

I freaked out and lamented to my poor husband (who was having a GREAT round) how much of a failure I was.  I could not hit a bloody golf ball, I could not find a job that satisfied and fulfilled me, I could not have a baby, I could not… I. Could. Not.  I wanted to cry and get the frustrations of the day out, but you guessed it, I even failed at leaking out those salty tears that remained steadfastly locked behind my eyelids.  I.  Could.  Not. 

Cliff could not understand why I felt like such a failure and told me that I’m too hard on myself and that I need to stop being so negative about myself.  The thing is that I know he’s right, but his telling me this felt like raw salt in my wounds.  I was irritating him and making his round of golf unpleasant with all my talk of monumental failure and that made me feel even more like a failure. (What a sucky wife I was – messing with his round on this amazing course which really is a once in a life time experience)

We finished our round of golf (mine not so good his excellent as usual) and we had a fight over rock shandy’s and lunch at the clubhouse.

The fact is that I feel like a monumental failure at pretty much everything in my life right now.  I am not happy with my job and I am struggling to fix that.  My marriage is hanging by a thread cos of infertility and it seems that I’m not doing such a good job at keeping that together.  I have not yet been able to have a child and create a family.  It seems like everywhere I’m turning right now I’m failing.  I know that I need to get my mind around this and be more positive about where I’m at, but right now I have to admit defeat and say that this is something I’m also failing at.

So the truth is just that, the failure meltdown happened.  And at the end of it all, I *still* felt like that failure that started it all…

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12 thoughts on “Failure Meltdown…

  1. While I don’t know precisely how you feel in regards to some of the things you feel that you’re failing at, I’ve had many of those meltdowns. There are plenty of things I feel like a failure about, and it’s wild how it catches up with you like that.

    Either way, I don’t see you as a failure, but I’m sending you love and light and peace. I’m sorry things are so hard.

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  2. I’ve been in the exact same spot and while it seems like a limitless pit with no bottom, I promise you’ll come back out somehow. Keep your chin up.
    *hugs*

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  3. Huge hugs, Sam. I so wish I could give you one IRL. All of these things just bubble quietly below the surface until that one last thing makes it all boil over.

    I feel the same in so many aspects of my life. It is a vicious circle. I can’t have a baby. It wreaks havoc in my relationships. It rocks my confidence. It makes me second guess my job and all the decisions I make. I’m afraid of making another bad one so I retreat to staying where I am even though it is miserable.

    I know this probably doesn’t help much, but I just want you to know that you are not alone. Keep searching for the bright spots and savor every one. You are not a failure in any sense, just stuck in a rough patch and struggling to get out. Keep talking and processing it all. We’re here for you.

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  4. I know how hard it is to feel like you are a complete and utter failure. But please remember, you are not a failure, you are a survivor. you did not choose any of this, you were given a cross to carry that you did not ask for, and you are doing your best.

    Be kind to yourself, and remember — one day at a time.

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  5. Aah my friend – I too have been in the same boat as you many times and although it does not feel like it right now – I promise you will get out of it and you will feel bettre at some stage. It just takes something like a crappy game of golf to bring on all those horrid feelings. Love you lots and sending big cyber hugs to you.
    You are incredibly talented at your creamics – and I don’t just say that to make you feel better either – so hang on to that idea.
    XXXXXXX:)

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  6. Oi Sam, breaks my heart to see you down in the dumps like this. All I can say is that all of us, even the most “successful” amongst us hit that brick wall every now and again. Just know ur not alone…pray that things will get better for you soon…one tiny, tiny step at a time.

    *hugs*

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  7. I am sorry that you are feeling this way. It’s a really horrible feeling. I know it well. You will feel better soon….and I hope it will be soon.

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  8. Hey! What is this? My annoyingly eternally positive friend being so negative. I’m temped to take the harsh approach and tell you to snap out of, but I see Cliff tried that already and it didn’t go down well. So instead I’m going to remind you of what you always tell me. Don’t let the devil have such power over your life, these feelings are not from God and they’re not of any benefit to you right now. My friend, come home, I just know your buds here waiting for you can make you feel better. Perhaps a lot of wine and some dancing around my lounge will work for you, God know’s its worked for me before and one of our other special friends. 🙂
    I miss you and I don’t like to hear you sounding so down, that’s my job remember? I’m the negative one and you’re the positive one and now look at all the stuff you’ve made me say! 😉
    You’re not a failure!!!
    (((Hugs)))

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  9. Make a list of the things you are great at.

    I’ll start, Sam CY is:

    1. Artistically talented (gorgeous pottery)
    2. An entrepeneur (not only is the pottery gorgous but definitely sellable)
    3. A kind person (look out for other even when times are tough for her)
    4. Can keep a blog up-to-date (amd also a marriage and job)
    5. A good friend (takes being good friend to have so many friends)

    Being able to have a baby is not due to being good or worthy and likewise not producing a child a year does not mean you are worth any less.

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  10. Oh Sam, I am sorry that all bubbled out. But, it is bound to every once in a while. IF is so stressful and keeping it all in eventually results in a meltdown. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!! You will have a baby and life will get better, including your marriage. And none of this is evidence of failure. It’s just life. Hang in there. I know, it is so tough.

    (((Hugs)))

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  11. I’m so sorry you are feeling so down. We all get days when nothing seems right, nothing feels right and nothing goes right. Do not allow these thoughts of failure to take hold in your mind, continue on your journey, go on with the enthusiasm and faith that I’ve known you to have. You have been an amazing inspiration to me. You are here for a reason. You will find success.

    Prov 16:9
    A man’s heart plans his way, but The Lord directs his steps.

    Isaiah 40:31 NIV
    but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

    2 Cor 10:5
    … and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

    ((((HUGS)))) my friend, you are always in my prayers.

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  12. To be honest, I think it’s better when the failure meltdown actually happens every now and again. You gotta get it all out at times and let yourself feel the emotions of it all. Although it doesn’t solve a damned thing, it does help your mind, body and soul with processing those feelings.

    I don’t need to tell you how you are ~not~ a failure. You just haven’t had those things happen yet. But I’m sure you already know all of that down deep.

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