What I said…

I was tickled pink to have taken part in the great Blog Cross Pollination – the mastermind of the awesome Geohde on Sunday, but just in case you were to lazy to head over to the wonderful Jendeis’s blog to see what I had to say for the day, I’m going to post it here too…  Also I’m totally going to blow my own horn here, I thought it was a pretty good post so, without further ado here is what I said…  

I was not always a slob. That happened quite by accident. Completely unintentional. In fact I used to be quite the Nike advert. When I was younger A few years ago I used get up before sparrows fart, fumble in the dark to get dressed in my running togs and I used to set out before the sun smiled for the day. I used to meet up with other crazy assed like minded people and we used to stretch and get ready for our morning run. We would set off like a gaggle of geese all talking and loosening up our muscles while finding our rythym.

Then the stronger runners would pull ahead of me and I would find myself lagging behind with the not so strong runners. I would hang out at the back of the pack with the old guys and the newbie runners. Cos that is where I was comfortable.

Then I got ITB (itibial band syndrome) for the first time. I was told to rest it for five months then get back to running. I rested it for five months and went back to the group I used to run with. Now instead of being able to hang with the old guys and newbies I found myself being left in the dust of even my back of the pack mates. I was completely not fit enoguht to run with this group anymore. I got completely left behind cos while I was resting my ITB getting better, my back of the pack mates were getting fitter and running harder and realising their dreams of becoming one of the super strong.

I was gutted and too embarrassed to go back – I stopped running. In many ways I feel like my infertility is similar to my running history.

When I first started trying to have a baby with my husband, we were the first couple of our group to tred on this ground. I started temping and peeing on OPK’s to track ovulation *laugh ass off here – right ovulation in the worst PCOS case I’ve ever heard of* and we had sex. Lots of it. We were really good at it. We enjoyed it. We did not conceive. Then came lots of tests for both of us. Clomid. Gonal F. IUI’s both failed and cancelled. Very little sex . Herbal remedies. Acupuncture. Reflexology. Reiki. IVF. Very little sex.

I feel like our infertility is a lot like my ITB. While we’ve been “off tending to our injury” every single one of our friends who were around at the start of our trying to have a baby journey has achieved the holy grail of parenthood. Some of them twice over. They’ve got stronger and have become one of the elite.

And we’re still at the back of the group – eating their dust.

While I’m in no way prepared to give up trying to have a family like I gave up running, I do find myself considering it at times when I feel glum. Why not just give this up? Find something else to do with my life? Focus on oversea’s holidays and get a nice hobby. Spend money on something other than ART…

Then I look into the distance and I see the group and the fun they’re having. The joy and the rush they get out of running the race. And I know. I know that my race is no where near over.

I will cross that finish line. I will find a way to become one of the elite.