Voice of Reason or Selfish Bitch?

I’ll start off by saying that I’m going to post something on this here blog that is more than likely going to piss my husband off.  I honestly want UNBIASED opinions here and will not tolerate any husband bashing – no matter how much you all love and adore me – OK?

My husband has been considering buying a bicycle for a few months now.  He wants a mountain bike.  This consideration has stepped up in the last few weeks (in my opinion) because his brother and his brother’s wife have entered one of the most prestigious cycling races hosted in Johannesburg – the 94.7 Cycle challenge.  Cliff used to be an avid cyclist in his younger years and has completed a few Argus Cycles tours etc.  He was good at it.  So because I saw he was hankering after it I told him that if he really wanted to he must look into buying a bike.  Big mistake – in hindsight I really should have outlined what I thought was reasonable from the outset…

Today I got an email from him at work saying he was popping past a cycle store to have a look at bikes.  I immediately called him to ask if he was going into said store to buy a bike and would I come home to one later this evening?  (Cases in point – he has told me he is looking at a car and twice has come home with said car without me knowing he purchased the cars so his history is not so great on this side of things).  He said no. He held up to his word.  I never came home to a bike.

BUT I did come home to an argument.  Because he has seen / found a bike he likes.  It is a middle of the range bike and it costs R7000.00 ($636 at an exchange of R11.00 to the dollar).  I think this is an unnecessarily excessive expense for a hobby he is not 100% sure he’ll get back into.  I feel he should consider shopping around for a second hand or entry level bike in the price range of about R3500.00 to R4000.00 ($363 @ same exchange) and see whether he is as into cycling as he used to be.  If he is into it he can always upgrade his bike at a later stage.

His argument is that he feels like he deserves to spend “a little” money on himself.  That all our money has gone into fertility this year and he deserves to spoil himself (I do agree that some spoiling is needed, no arguement there, my resistance is the extent of the spoiling at hand).  That he never does anything or buys anything for himself (he plays golf every second weekend – and I know he is going to explode that I’ve mentioned this but the fact of the matter is that he has not been at all prepared to comprimise at all on his spending in this area).

There are other factors at play here which I’m not sure I’ll get into right now on this blog, but the fact remains that I feel if we are supposed to be saving for our next treatment that an excessive expense is not called for right now. 

Yes I freely admit that I have also spent unecessarily on myself recently by going to the day spa with the girls at a cost of R1100.00 ($100) and have recently bought some clothes that were not needed but more in the way of retail therapy and a “like to have”.  I feel guilty for spending this money which would have been better spent in my opinion towards our IVF and our future children and family as much as I enjoyed my time at the spa and will no doubt enjoy the clothes.

He thinks I’m being a selfish bitch*bit unreasonable by thinking the seven grand is excessive.  So what do you think internets?  Am I the voice of reason or am I being a selfish bitch tad unreasonable?

 

* my words not his – he does not swear at me – well he did it once and got into so much trouble from his parents that he does not do that anymore… in fact we try not swear AT each other at all during fights.  We – read me – swear at the situation a lot but I really cannot remember a tie where we’ve sworn AT each other…

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15 thoughts on “Voice of Reason or Selfish Bitch?

  1. *sighs*

    I think we’re married to very similar men. I could see Dave doing the same thing. And I don’t blame you for wanting to NOT spend that kind of cash on a bike. Is there any way you could suggest that he get something completely not bike-related? Something he might use more?

    I have no other good suggestions, although I’m frequently the one who gives into stuff like this.

    I’ll be interested to hear what other people suggest.

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  2. Husband and I went through this several times while undergoing and paying for fertility treatments. I usually just caved because he had been so supportive along the way.
    On something like this where he isn’t exactly sure if he will use it and the expense is so great, I would also push him for a second hander. But, if he persisted, I honestly would probably have just caved on letting him get what he wants. Things just got so hard when we were fighting to get pregnant, we took relief and pleasure whenever we could. We even skipped 3 cycles so that we could go to Mexico for 10 days!
    *hugs*

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  3. I personally always buy the “better” one in these same situations. And do I end up wasting money sometimes? Yup. But do I end up being happy I bought the better one at times too? Yup.

    But then you have to throw in the ~why~ you are saving money. Getting a baby is HUGE, not like you are just saving for a rainy day. BUT … I also have made the mistake of putting off LIVING while waiting for treatments.

    So, my final answer is … if you can “afford” to make up the cost to put into the IVF fund, then let him buy the bike. But if it’s too much period, then buy a less expensive model and have both of you understand the WHYS.

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  4. I don’t think you’re being a selfish bitch or unreasonable. Perhaps there is a more palatable way to put this though to Cliff. What if you two sit down and look at the numbers and say, OK, we want the bike and the baby. What do we have to do? Can we cut out anything more? Can we find more income somewhere else? Maybe if it’s a group effort you both will feel better about it.

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  5. I guess we all find ways to justify things we want. Goodness knows I do it and then whine when my husband spends 500 bux on gym equipment….

    J

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  6. Are you married to my husband? (; This is a reoccurring discussion topic in our household too so off the bat I have to say that you are not being unreasonable or a selfish bitch. (:

    Selfish bitch is, “I’m buying whatever I want, but you can’t have anything.”

    Unreasonable is, “No, we can’t spend money on “anything” but IVF.”

    You are reasoning that while now might not be the best time for that large of an expense, maybe he can make do with a less expensive version until you are in a better position. Completely and totally reasonable. Would he be willing to give up something else – eating out, the golf, etc. (I know there isn’t much more to give up though when you are saving for IVF).

    I wish I had a better answer. I battle this one all the time too. Hugs and good luck.

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  7. If it were me, I would suggest a trade-off. I would okay the $300ish dollar purchase but ask him to come up with a way to provide the extra money in a way that doesn’t effect your household finances or your treatments.

    An example of this would be the extras that you have around the house that you may not use anymore. My dh has a garage full of junk. I keep waiting for him to want something big so I can suggest that the profits from a garage sale would work to pay for said item. Maybe he has an old set of golf clubs or bachelor furniture, anything that he could sell. Do you guys have Craig’s List? That might be a good avenue.

    Anyway, that is my assvice. Good Luck to you.

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  8. For a guy’s perspective, I asked my wise husband and here is what he said.
    “There is a giant argument over R3000. You are on board with him getting a bike worth R4000, so what you are fighting about is the difference. I don’t know you, but you seem to have at least some disposable income if you are playing golf, going to the spa, and paying for IVF. R3000 is not worth this fight. You will not miss that money in the long term. Your future children will not miss that money.”

    I have to say I agree. We never sweat expenses that are a few hundred US. We both try not to spend money unnecessarily, but we have learned over the past 7 years that we can’t put our lives on hold for IF. We also both agree that marital happiness trumps all.

    Good luck working it out.

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  9. How about making it his Christmas present? Give him something really small for Christmas and buy the bike now.

    I think you should weigh the time delay to your IVF caused by this purchase and the benefit to Cliff’s happiness and decide together. If Cliff feels that he’d rather delay the IVF a bit more, maybe that would be best for you both. Or maybe you can both agree on some credit plan and stick to it.

    One thing I’ve learned is that pacing ourselves on this journey is VERY important and that life needs to go on somehow in between. We can so easily lose ourselves on this journey. But then again, maybe he should also sacrifice a few weekends of golf. Meet each other somewhere in between.

    Being a very gadgety person myself, I know how Cliff feels, the equipment is part of the fun, but sometimes one has to sacrifice something to get something else.

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  10. Hey Sam – I totally get where you are coming from but also see Cliff’s point.
    I would say for the sake of a couple of grand let him buy the bike he wants now. If he decides later on he doesn’t want to continue you could always sell it. Both Allan and Shaun cycle and its the best thing to keep the minds and bodies occupied. Great stress relief which you will both nedd in your next IVF.
    You also get yourself some leverage for a later stage when you really want something you want. He he.
    Stolen from you “Its only money!”.
    Love Mich

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  11. ok i used to cycle to and when i decided i went out and got the better bike… i also did not know if i would like the hobby but i HAD to have the better bike… when the cycling bug bites you want the better bike…. in my opinion if he does upgrade later what will he do with this cheaper bike? wont it be a waste….. dont think the resale value on a entry level bike is very high…

    and you know what if he gets the cheap bike it may hate every mintue of the new hobby and every time he used it wish he had the better bike, then you going to have to deal with the complaints

    now we all know lance armstrong says its not about the bike, but believe me the better bikes DEFINATLY do make cylcing better in many areas…. and the cheaper bikes tend to be way to havy aswell…..

    i know its a lot of money and its hard not to always think that that money could be used for your next treatment…. i say if you can afford the bike (i say afford knowing that you will probably think you cant cause you need that money for the next treatment) let him have the bike….

    and if he does not enjoy it, he could sell it, your resale on a good bike will be much better than a entry level bike

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  12. Me and hubby have also had similiar arguments. Over a motorbike!!! At the moment I am winning, but shame I can see how much he wants it. I understand where you are coming from, I ve been there. But sometimes you almost have to let go a little. As babysmiling says. It is really an argument over R3000. There must be a comprimise somewhere.
    This stuff is tough!!

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  13. Aaah Sam and Said Husband, you guys make me smile! 🙂 W and I have had very very similar fights. As you know, W is an avid cyclist, the cost of his two bikes alone was in the region of R30K and I had a TOTAL sh*t fit when he bought both of them literally within a 6 month period while we were gearing up for our first IVF.

    I love how you say that Said Husband is going to have a fit when he sees that you’ve mentioned the golf it reminds me so much of W and I.
    While I understand where you’re coming from I think that perhaps, this is one of those fights that you should let Cliff win. The difference in rand value will make a huge difference in terms of the quality of the bike he can buy and yet it will only make a small dent in your fertility savings.
    I know my opinion will probably not be popular with all of your readers, but as someone who’s husband is also a sports freak, and very committed to these types of things as is your hubbie, I think it may be wise.
    You can also use it as a bargaining tool later on! 😉

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  14. Hi,

    Ok, unfortunately I am a bit biased, as I am a mountain biker and my DH and I cycle a lot – mostly mountain biking, but also road – we are also doing the 94.7 – both the mtb and road one.

    Therefore, although I know that R7k sounds a lot and is a lot, but it is actually not very expensive for a mtb. And believe it or not – it does actually make a diffirence. In this regard I agree with Shaz. The real good mtb costs approx R20k.

    That being said, I agree that he deserves to spoil himself – you both do. During the IF journey, we tend to loose sight of that. BUT he must be sure he is going to use the said mtb a lot to justify the expense. I agree with Maritza, we need to continue our lives and can’t stop everything and especially men – they can’t do it!

    The thing is with our poor DH’s – they need hobbies / sport or something. I think it might make them happier in the long run and that makes for better DH’s for you to life with.

    Further, I also think Maritza’s suggestion is great – let it be his christmas present.

    I, however, do not think you are a selfish b – but purely want what’s best for your “family” and to balance everything is not always easy!

    GOOD LUCK !

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