Clarens is good for the soul…

Our weekend away at Kiara Resort just outside of Clarens was good for the soul.  Not just because the scenery was spectacular and we relaxed but because I managed to make some serious decisions about life moving forward.

We went away with some friends – two couples who have both got children.  One couple conceived their son shortly after a 6 week miscarriage (both pregnancies were “natural”) and the other couple conceived their daughters during their second IVF treatment.  One would assume that they would be considerate of our situation, but this did not always play out with the one couple.  (I must state for the record that the one couple is always considerate of our situation and are always there for us, the other not so much, they are more focused on their lives and the husband really does not think before he speaks, I wish he would learn that words hurt in ways that he cannot comprehend.)

These children are all super cute… but while they are super cute and I love them dearly my heart gets sore knowing that our children will be much younger than them by the time we manage to get some of our own (they are all one this year) and that essentially our kids will grow up separately to our friends children.  Now I know that we’ll end up making friends with other people who have kids the same age as ours (when we finally manage to get some) but it stung a bit to hear our friends talk about how much of an adjustment it has been to have children, about those sleepless nights, about how sometimes your heart just breaks cos you struggle to soothe them, and so on and so forth.  We of course could not comment on this cos we are not there yet. 

Our friends discussed this at length and told us “We’re not trying to put you off having kids but it really is so hard and SUCH a challenge”.  Being told that “you’re lucky you can’t have any cos you can sleep in tomorrow morning” *really* stung and I felt this rage boil up inside me, it bubbled just under the surface ready to spew it’s venom and acid but I managed to drown it with a few glasses a glass of wine.  But it is still there, simmering inside, eating at my mind, just waiting for it’s chance to boil over and pour out like lava…

It was then that I realised that I need an objective voice inside my head.  I need to talk to someone who is not my family, who is not from my church, who is not a friend.  Someone who can help me release this anger, someone who can help me release this sadness, someone who can help me regroup and someone who can steer me in the right direction towards gluing the tattered pieces of my heart back together.  Someone who can make me believe that my husband should *stay* married to me and not seek someone else who can give him children.  Someone who can help me believe that I *am* a good woman and not a complete failure. 

It was not all doom and gloom while we were away.  We bought some awesome metal decorations for our garden, we indulged in pancakes with ice cream and I realised that my husband sure is a keeper.  He has to be to put up with me. (But don’t tell him I said so…)  We laughed, we ate good food and we bonded with our friends and their children.  Those pixie hugs and pure love for us helped me realise what we will have one day, what we can achieve if we can just find the strength to push on and push through.

Because of this weekend I start therapy this week.

So yes the weekend away was not quite what I thought it would be, but overall Clarens was good for the soul.

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8 thoughts on “Clarens is good for the soul…

  1. Sam, going for therapy, as expensive as it was, was the greatest gift I ever gave myself. I’m glad you’re going, I just know you’re going to benefit from it.

    I also think that sometimes showing how our friends unintentional insensitive comments hurts us does help them to think somewhat before they speak.

    Dying to hear how your first session goes, I know my first session I did nothing except use up a box of her tissues and do the ugly cryin front of her till my throat hurt! But its all good!

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  2. I’m sorry that people are still so insensitive to yours and Cliff’s needs right now, I just don’t get it.

    I’m glad that you had a good-ish weekend tho.

    I think that therapy can only help, we all have feelings that we can’t understand or deal with and having someone that’s not directly involved will help. I can’t wait for my first session, I know it will probably not be that easy but hey, we have to start somewhere.

    Thinking of you always and sending you a big big hug xxx

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  3. I think the therapy will help. It really helped me.
    It hurts so much when a coment like that comes from a friend that is suposed to understand you.
    I got one this week as well. Although it seems I get one every week these days.

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  4. I’m so sorry that your friends aren’t respecting what you’re going through. I honestly wouldn’t know how to handle it, and I think you handle yourself admirably. And I think therapy is a great idea. Lord knows, I could use it myself. Maybe I’ll follow in your footsteps.

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  5. Sam, I’m so happy you’re going for therapy, I think it’s a very good decision indeed. So glad you enjoyed your weekend! Please keep us updated on how its progressing, I’d love to hear how it’s helping you (of course you don’t have to go into detail) but an overview would be great! As for the insensitivity, I find that those who’ve been through the mill doesn’t necessarily think they should shut their mouths, for some reason they feel a sense of entitlement. We’ll of course only know when we get there.

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  6. WOW Sam that was a truly emotional weekend. But good on you for making the decision to get therapy. Don’t know how you managed to keep quiet – sometimes the timing is just not right to say how you feel? It may have ruined an otherwise great weekend. Hope you and Cliff will get your pixie hugs soon. Take care and lots of love Mich.
    PS – See you in Jhb around the 22nd

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  7. Oi, my friend, I SO hear you on the marriage thing. We shower ourselves in so much guilt for not being able to create a family. I really need to get my butt back in the couch as well before I single handedly destroy my own marriage. I know that tender place where you’re at, it’s not pretty and it’s not funny. Hope you find some solace. Hugs. M

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