This is how I feel right now…


Except I don’t have a mouse with a gun to my head I have this thing called infertility…

I hate it with such a passion, I hate that it makes me lose sight of the good things in my life, that it wraps me in the straight jacket that I can’t break out of, that it consumes me and is slowly killing my faith and my ability to enjoy the blessings that I have…

Beta was an unsurprising NEGATIVE!  I should have known… any sign of blood in my case is JUST not a good sign…

We have to take a break, firstly because we just cannot afford more treatment now, but also because we need to heal emotionally and we need to focus on trying to be “us” again…

Thank you for all your support – as usual it blows me away at how quickly you wonderful people rally around those who need support and wrap us in your loving arms…


28 thoughts on “This is how I feel right now…

  1. I’m so sorry my friend. I was so hoping this would be it for you. Don’t beat yourself up about your infertility, it really is a process and it changes all the time. You’re in a dark tunnel right now, but I promise, at some point you will come out the other side, a bit wiser and a bit tougher but a lot happier as well and IF won’t dominate your life for ever. It WILL end!


  2. Hey Sam

    So sorry you had to go through this. I am glad you are taking a break, I am loving having my life back during a long break after my 3 failed cycles. It feels like I am on holiday and a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel more positive about our outcome even though we don’t actually have any plan as yet, it is just that a break returnes a sense of perspective that can be lost when you are in a treatment cycle.

    I hope you start to feel good again and that your emtoional scars heal quickly.



  3. I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

    I can’t say anything to make it better or do anything to help you heal. I will keep you in my thoughts and pray that you and your husband are given the strength to heal.



  4. Oh No Sam!! I was soo hoping you’d get your BFP!! I am soo soo sorry you’ve had to through this again! We’re also talking of another break over Christmas for at least 3 months! So that leaves me with 2 or 3 more timed cycles for this year!!

    Enjoy your break and rediscovering yourselves!!!

    You’re in my thoughts and prayers!!!!


  5. Sammy,

    I know I’ve said this already but I am so so sorry my dear friend. Unfortunately no-one can take away your pain and even tho you’ve been thru this before, nothing can prepare you.

    My thoughts are with you and Cliff right now and I’m here for you any time, night or day!

    Take care of yourselves…

    Much love and hugs as always xxx


  6. Dear Sam, there’s not much to say, I know how you feel and how testing this whole IF thing can be. It’s so difficult to make sense of, or peace with something that seems so unfair.

    I will be here, right alongside you, fighting the good fight, let me now if you have any great epiphanies along the way, I’ll be knocking down your door to have a bite of that.

    The driving range is really seeing too little of us two thesedays…

    Pray that you’ll find your second breath soon!


  7. Aw, crap Sam. I was so hoping you’d get some surprising good news instead…whatever your next step may be from here we’ll all still be lurking inside the computer waiting to jump into our superhero capes and tights should you need us.


  8. I am SO sorry, I know how much this hurts. Keep your faith, don’t let this falter your relationship with God… and let yourself feel sad and cry, you have every right.
    Listen to or read the lyrics of “Praise you in this Storm” by Casting Crowns if you get a chance… those words brought me much comfort after many a failed cycle.


  9. I am so bummed out for you right now. I so wish that none of us had to go through this. I also wish that I was scary rich and could just afford to pay for everyone’s treatments. I would share the love, I would.

    I will pray for you. Hold onto your faith if you can. We are here to listen if you want to vent.


  10. Oh Sam, I am so so sorry. I really hoped and wished it was your turn. You sound okish about it, but I just want you to know I am here for you anytime you need me, just shout.

    Take a bit of time for you and hubby and gather yourself for your next time. It will happen, we have to believe it, we just don’t know when.

    hugs xoxo


  11. Oh no.

    What horrible news. I know you know your body, and suspected as much, but hearing it officially is that truck firmly running you over.

    A break is a good idea. We took a year ‘out’ at one point. It just all gets too much.

    I hope ….I hope you feel better soon? of course I do, but what a trite thing to say when you’re feeling so shit. I (like everyone else!) am here when you want to chat.

    And hope you feel like blogging sometimes, whatever is on your mind.

    Hugs xxx


  12. Oh Sam! I’m so sorry, there isn’t much more I can add to the others comments, just that I’m thinking of you and ((((Hugs)))) my friend. I am so heart sore for you……


  13. I am so so sorry. I know there are no words right now that can make this better. It sucks and is so unfair. I am thinking of you and wishing you peace. We are on a break too after our 2nd failed IVF so I’ll wait it out with you. Sending lots of love and hugs your way.


  14. O Sam what can I say to comfort you…. i know nothing I say will ease the pain and emotions you are going through at this time.

    I know you are heartbroken and sad and more than likely asking WHY WHY WHY…. we may never ever know the answer to that, but I just pray you will feel Gods comforting hand over your life now and that you will know that He is still with you and will never leave you.

    You have such amazing faith and I pray you will not loose that…..
    I pray that you will grow closer to God during this difficult time and that your pain will be eased by him.

    O Sam, its so hard to know what to say and how to comfort someone that is battling with IF…. i wish we all knew exactly what to say and exactly what to advise…..

    Thinking of you

    lot of love


  15. Sam, I’m sorry that this has happened AGAIN! It will get better, I promise…..but in the mean time you do need to take some time out.
    I’m just up the road if you need me.


  16. ah girl, that really does suck.

    it makes me feel terrible that i had an unplanned pregnancy and at one point considered abortion – when there’s people like you who really really want babies and are battling to have them.

    i wish you all the strength in the world for this difficult journey you are on – everything happens when it’s meant to. i have no doubt that you wil get everything you deserve!



  17. Hi…I’m sorry to hear this.

    Just like you, we are taking break as well.

    I pray for wisdom and guidance for both our decision making on next steps.



  18. Shoot.

    That mouse needs to turn the gun on your uterus and demand, ” Let one implant!” After your break, of course.

    Enjoy your time is a couple.


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