Blue Monday…

… I feel blue today and I’m afraid that I’m having a bit of a pity party for myself right about now… the weather sucks and my mood sucks just as badly…

My reflexologist had to cancel my appointment on Friday cos she was tired and pukey cos of her early pregnancy… A close friend just emailed me this morning to tell me that she is 7 weeks pregnant and I am just waiting for pregnancy announcement number three to rear it’s head – cos they *always* come in three’s…

I have been very quiet about our FET this month cos I felt like if I did not make a big song and dance out of it that it would be better.  FET’s are kinda uneventful too – no needles and no daily scans, no ER and no big wait for the fert report, so I feel like a bit of a pseudo treatment girl this month if you know what I mean… I’m trying to figure out if I’m really excited to have the FET happen sometime in the next two weeks?  I mean I think I am, but in some way I know that I’m holding back cos I’m trying to guard my heart in case it does not work (stats show we don’t have that much of a chance anyway… but I’ve never been one for stats anyway… see saw emotion see saw).  Before we embarked on the FET cycle, I had decided that I was handing this one over to my Creator, but as I am inching closer to setting the date for the thaw I can feel that I am wanting to take back the control…

Today I am wondering if I am ever going to be a Mom?  Will I ever be pregnant?  Am I even meant to be a parent?  It seems to be easier for most of the people in my life to have *gasp* sex and fall pregnant so why is it so bloody hard for us?  Ok so infertility has robbed us of the regular sex thing but even if we were still humping like rabbits 178 day cycles don’t exactly help the matter either now do they?  Please God let us be next on the lottery list of pregnant people, I’ll promise to do my best not to mess it up…

Bah… I’m tired.  I’m weepy. I just want this to happen.

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11 thoughts on “Blue Monday…

  1. Oh Sam, you silly girl. Why didn’t you tell me you were feeling this way when we chatted earlier?
    I understand exactly how you’re feeling, bracing yourself for the next batch of happy pregnancy news.
    Just because the FET is not as labour intensive as a fresh cycle does not mean that its any easier to cope with, so cut yourself some slack, because emotionally this will be just as tough.
    Praying for your BFP!

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  2. Sam, my hope for you is that the good embies were frozen. Maybe it can be as simple as that, maybe the right candidate is suspended in ice and the wrong ones were transferred. I am forever hopeful to you, so you can take a break if you want, I will fill in the hope position for you in the meantime.

    The fact is, FET works, sometimes, and to some women it was their ticket to parenthood, and they will swear by it forever.

    Anyhow, you gottta do what you gotta do to protect yourself and if not hoping too hard feels safer, then so be it.

    Hugs,

    M

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  3. Oh Sammy, I just want to sit down and cry for you. All of us here know how horrible these days can be, it’s just no fair at all, it’s sucks big time.

    Please try to keep the faith for you FET, it can work! You’ll feel better when you get closer, it’s low profile but i really found it much easier than a fresh cycle. The worst part (like a fresh cycle) is waiting to find out day to day if they have thawed and carried on growing.

    You take care of yourself and like Supa M says, we’ll keep the hope alive for you when you too tired to hope.

    I’m hoping that your name is on the list of the next round of BFP’s my sweet sweet friend!

    Bug hugs xxx

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  4. right this very moment I am thinking of YOU. I want to jar up some hope and love and send it to you. It is so so different to do an FET cycle. It almost feels like it isn’t real because there are no daily scans and no crazy ovaries and no waiting for THE calls.

    wish we could go have a cup of tea right now…

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  5. I wish i could wave a magic wand and you would be preggies and the hurt would all be gone… but seen as i cannot do that we will just think and pray for you…

    yes its very hard to hand over to God and leave it there, I think we all tend to want to pull it back… very difficult to let go of the control… i hope you manage to let go and trust and know that God knows the desires of your heart and the secret petitions of your heart.

    Philipians 4: 6-7

    xxx

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  6. Hi Sam. Shame man I can totally relate to your feelings about not meant to be a Mom, and I wish there was something I can say to make you feel better, but there isn’t anything anyone can say, but all I know is that it does get better on some days and others not so much. My hope and wish for you is that you become a mommy very soon.

    ((((BEEEEEG HUG))))

    Love
    Elize

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  7. It sometimes feels like the whole world is pregnant apart from you. I remember tiredly saying to DH ‘yes, your sister’s pregnant’ just before he went to tell me. I felt like (and I am sure) sooooo many people I knew had one, 2 and in one case 3 babies in our time on the infertility ride.

    Thinking good thoughts for your frosties.

    xxx

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  8. Sam,

    My most recent FEtTwas two not-so-crash-hot embryos that didn’t thaw all that well.

    You know the rest of the story.

    My fingers are crossed for you,

    J

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