Yesterday I read a post called “the elephant in the room”. It hit right home. The one thing that I wish I had known beforehand was how much of a negative impact infertility would have on our sex life.
Before infertility we had always enjoyed an active healthy sex life, but as the months wore on, and the years started getting ticked off the calendar, we have found that our sex life is no longer as active and is far from healthy. In fact we are at the point where our sex life is hanging by a tangible thread.
In the beginning of our journey we found that timed intercourse was fun and novel, but after several months of this with no result it became a chore and took the joy out of the deed. Then we moved onto treatments and from my side of things the meds killed my drive to have sex. What is it about those meds? I just never felt like it, I was so dry and found sex so uncomfortable when we did muster up the engergy to get it on, that I was in the “just get it over with” frame of mind. (Anyone thinking of vestile virgins dreaming of England right about now? Only me?)
My husband has also suffered. He became “afraid” to have sex, the pressure just became too much for him as he felt like he was expected to perform all the time and that he was letting me down. So we avoided sex. Sex was making us miserable right, so why not just not do it?
That approach did not work, so we had a big sex talk. How we needed to work on it, how we needed to fix it. We’ve had that talk a number of times in the last 4 years but we are still limping along in this area of our lives. And honestly I miss it, I miss us enjoying this aspect of our lives together.
The question is this – how *does* one fix this? Do we see a therapist, and if so do we choose a therapist who specialises in infertility or one who specialises in “sick” sex lives? Do we muddle along on our own trying to figure out the best way forward, trying not to get more frustrated at ourselves and at each other? Do we forget the penetration aspect of sex and focus on the intimacy aspect only for a while? Do we massage more and bath together more?
I’m guessing that we’ll never completely go back to being that carefree, “jump your bones cos you looked at me” couple that we were before infertility struck, but I sure would love to be that couple who managed to ride this wave and who at the end of it all still manages to willingly have sex and enjoy it.
So, please help! What have you found to have worked to “fix” your sex life?