Big Bang Theory? (TMI S.E.X post ahead)

Yesterday I read a post called “the elephant in the room”.  It hit right home.  The one thing that I wish I had known beforehand was how much of a negative impact infertility would have on our sex life. 

Before infertility we had always enjoyed an active healthy sex life, but as the months wore on, and the years started getting ticked off the calendar, we have found that our sex life is no longer as active and is far from healthy.  In fact we are at the point where our sex life is hanging by a tangible thread. 

In the beginning of our journey we found that timed intercourse was fun and novel, but after several months of this with no result it became a chore and took the joy out of the deed.  Then we moved onto treatments and from my side of things the meds killed my drive to have sex.  What is it about those meds?  I just never felt like it, I was so dry and found sex so uncomfortable when we did muster up the engergy to get it on, that I was in the “just get it over with” frame of mind. (Anyone thinking of vestile virgins dreaming of England right about now? Only me?)

My husband has also suffered.  He became “afraid” to have sex, the pressure just became too much for him as he felt like he was expected to perform all the time and that he was letting me down.  So we avoided sex.  Sex was making us miserable right, so why not just not do it? 

That approach did not work, so we had a big sex talk.  How we needed to work on it, how we needed to fix it.  We’ve had that talk a number of times in the last 4 years but we are still limping along in this area of our lives.  And honestly I miss it, I miss us enjoying this aspect of our lives together.

The question is this – how *does* one fix this?  Do we see a therapist, and if so do we choose a therapist who specialises in infertility or one who specialises in “sick” sex lives?  Do we muddle along on our own trying to figure out the best way forward, trying not to get more frustrated at ourselves and at each other?  Do we forget the penetration aspect of sex and focus on the intimacy aspect only for a while?  Do we massage more and bath together more?  

I’m guessing that we’ll never completely go back to being that carefree,  “jump your bones cos you looked at me” couple that we were before infertility struck, but I sure would love to be that couple who managed to ride this wave and who at the end of it all still manages to willingly have sex and enjoy it. 

So, please help!  What have you found to have worked to “fix” your sex life?

 

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11 thoughts on “Big Bang Theory? (TMI S.E.X post ahead)

  1. Sam, try the advise I gave you over MSN. Just know you are SO not alone in this.
    Last year, I had 3 IVF’s, 3 IUI’s and sex about 3 times the entire year. I had NO libido. My DH confided in me this morning (it was shocking really) that at the end of last year he started feeling/thinking that either he was going to spend the rest of his life in a sexless marriage to a woman that felt like his sister or he needed to get out of the marriage and find a woman that would be willing to not just fufill him emotionally but sexually as well.
    Biggest shock of my life hearing that. Thankfully we have in the past few months turned the corner on that problem, but it takes time and effort before it comes right.

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  2. My head hurts just thinking about this…I think most couples go through stages of the above mentioned, but infertility just introduces a whole other can of worms complicating and aggravating the issue.

    I do think that we need to wake up and smell the coffee and not slumber into oblivion and assume the issue will take care of itself. But then you’re already doing it by so diligently posting for our assvice.

    I’m not sure exactly how to meet DH on planet Mars on this issue, but I’m posting a mental note to follow up on this one.

    I think it boils down to finding out what each others needs are, that is the tricky part, in my situation, ’cause DH turn tabula rasa as soon as I try and pull any sex related info out of him. And then somehow managing to gel those two sets of needs together.

    On my to do list my friend, on my to do list…

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  3. Hi Sam,

    Yip, I don’t have an answere either, we’ve had our fair share of fights about sex. I’m just hoping it will sort itself out. But being pregnant will not solve it, as he’s to afraid to touch me, and apparently after baby’s born we won’t be in the mood. So I honestly do not see a way out. Hope you guys solve the problem real soon.

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  4. I’ve only had a tiny drop of the IF troubles, but in those times, with those drugs, it was terrible. Add to that the fact that we have been with eachother for 8 years, and our sex life dissappeared into nothingness.

    I can only offer you my assvice on what worked for us.

    Don’t over communicate……. The absolute worst thing we could’ve done was talk extensively over and over again about it. It dulls the excitement, exagerates the issues and kills the anticipation. The problem is that fundamentally men and women are so extremely different. Men are visual creatures, what they see is what turns them on, and women well, we’re emotional souls, what we feel is what turns us on.

    We took time out, spent weekends doing what we wanted to do and not what we had to do, we took time every night to talk over supper, clean the kitchen together, (not an easy thing to do with a teenage boy around) and at bed time we had snuggle time, no pressure, no sex talk, just time to hold eachother and get to know eachother physically, without the other pressures. Eventually, my sexual attraction for him grew again and when it finally did happen without the pressure and the feelings of expectation, I wondered why I had gone so long without sex.

    As I say this is what worked for us, and by definition assvice is just that, assvice. I’m sure you’ll find what works for you.

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  5. Wow, it really is amazing (and sad) to see what an effect IF, and especially IVF, has on couples’ sex lives. I’m so glad I had the courage to blog about our elephant in the bedroom or I’d never know the whole story. Thank you for diving into the subject further in this post! : )

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  6. so glad you wrote this post!

    Please if you find the answer to this please let me know!!

    I have pretty much always known that i have had IF issues, since they day we got married so our sex life was not great even then but now it does not exist… how do i get my head around this, how do i get myself to wanting sex again.. to me sex = failure and i know this is the wrong way to think… also wondered about councelling but just not sure!

    xxx

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  7. This is what worked for us. I can’t swear it will work for you.

    After IUI #1, D went out and bought 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex: Secret Sealed Seductions for Fun-Loving Couples by Laura Corn,

    What you’re supposed to do is open a packet and plan a seduction. Now we didn’t do it according to the book. I mean they suggest you do it twice a week and we didn’t have the time.

    But.

    What we did do is say. “I opened an envelope and next week, you’re going to have fun.” That starts the anticipation.

    Now, if this was a movie or a commercial that would be it–it would be all better. HA. The day I planned for the first “seduction” my husband got a stomach flu and threw up all over me! SEXY that. But later (after I went through the stomach flu) we went back to it and kept giggling.

    Some of the things in the book are just too…weird for us. So we read them to each other and giggle. Try to get the fun back. Don’t worry about the sex–it will come (no pun intended). Fun, then frolic.

    Do we have perfect sex now? No. But it is better.

    Good luck.

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  8. Ooh right with ya girl.

    Our sex life is terrible, in fact I sat there yesterday cryingf about it. I just don’t want to have sex and I am scared it is coming between us. I know he loves me but I feel I am being unfair on him. I even told him that I would have no right to be upset if he had an affair. I have no answers as I am in the same black hole.

    Its just nice to know I am not on my own.

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