I met my Dad for lunch the day after I found out our first IVF had failed miserably, and he said something to me that has had me thinking quite seriously since then. He said that I was letting having a baby completely take over my life and that I was losing the essence of who I was in the process. It was hard to hear that, cos I know that in a very real way it is true.
Before this journey, I used to be a “glass half full” girl, I was genuinely happy for other people who got their hearts desire and I used to be a lot more carefree. I laughed more easily. I played nicer. I was the kind of girl who used to be the life of every party and the one who people used to come to for advise and who people loved talking to cos they knew I would always give them my honest opinion to their situation.
Now after walking the ttc road for just over 4 years, I find that I am not so easily persuaded by the “glass half full” theory (though I make a concerted effort to hang onto this aspect of myself, cos I like it, I like it a lot). I am a lot more suspicious of goodness and I question the use of positivity to guide the outcome of situations. Deep (very deep) inside I am happy for people who get their happiness easily, but closer to the surface sits the jealous harriden whose first thought is “why them and not us?”. I still laugh, but not as easily as I used to. I think a lot more dark thoughts. And while I can still obvivously can be the life of a party (see my 30th pics) I find that at some point during the party I remember that I am not the girl I used to be, I remember that I am more jaded and mostly a little broken inside. Instead of being the girl people seek out to chat with, I am the one that they now avoid, because talk of my failure will result in tears and uncomfortable silences, and talk of their happiness and children will cause me hurt (not as much anymore but sometimes) and might result in tears and uncomfortable silences (not so much anymore but sometimes the buggers still leak out my eyelids).
More often that not I find myself trying to find the tenacious balance between my obsession desire to be a Mother and the person I used to be. I know that I will never be able to go back to being that girl, but I also know that I need to try and find the good pieces of her, the pieces I liked, and knit them into the person I am now.
How do you find the balance?