Better…

Thank you so much for all the sweet words of love and comfort over the last few days.  
The Durbanville Hills and stunning flowers that Martiza dropped off were also just such a great comfort – thanks my friend!  Initially my first reaction to the BFN was to throw in the towel, I felt like I could not possibly get through another disappointment like this and I could not do this to my husband any more. (I was scared to see how deeply this BFN rocked him, I never want to be the cause of that much pain in his heart ever again).

But today I am feeling much better.  I am steadier and I feel stronger and am ready to meet with our doc to have a post mortem of the cycle so that we can analyse what we learnt about my body through the last cycle, and how we can use that information moving forward.  I am concerned that I only made it to 9DP3DT and will be discussing this with him in depth.  I really don’t want to bow out of the next race to early…  We have four on ice which is logically going to be our next step – I know that statistically FET’s are not as successful as fresh cycles but it seems like such a waste not to use them…and one never really knows does one?  Those frozen embies could very well be our children, who will drive us nuts and give us love and cuddles…

Anyway, once we have the meeting with our wonderful doc, I will update you all as to what the plan of action is, but either way we are going to take at least a month off.

It is my birthday next week Monday – the BIG 30!  I am having a dress up party so am going to throw myself into organising and sorting put all the final details this week.  I am getting myself back to gym and will be stricly following my dieticians eating plan from Monday onwards.  I figure that I should use this break to finally shake those last 3 kg’s that I have been battling to get rid of.

I must admit that I have been very angry with God the last few days.  I had hardened my heart against Him just could not wrap my mind around the fact that all went so well with our cycle and that He allowed it to end with a BFN.  But boy was I put in my place this morning at church… I know that I need to get my soul right with Him, to get over this set back. 

In my heart of hearts I know that everything happens for a reason, and the worst thing about it is that we very rarely get to know the reason until we are long past the challenge.  I need to be still in His presence and I need to keep my hope alive cos hope is the substance of our faith.  I have hope and I have faith. 

I will climb back on this horse and I will win the race.  Not this time round, but next time, maybe, just maybe it will be our turn.  And that my dear friends is what I am focusing on from now on.   That and losing those last blasted 3 kg’s…

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14 thoughts on “Better…

  1. Im glad you are feeling better, Sam…its a bit twisted, but I like the way you referred to the follow up aptt as “postmortem” It really does feel that way, doesnt it?

    You sound like you are handling this so well–and you are right, all of this does happen for a reason, whether we like it or not. I hope you are guided in the direction God shows you, and even though there has been anger with Him (trust me, Ive been there…) just hold onto your hope and faith. Keep your wonderful attitude!

    Hugs!

    PS Can I be added to the Brace Bunch blog roll :0)

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  2. A friend of mine recently got her BFP on a FET cycle after 5 years and several previous failed IVF attempts. Bring on the chilly ones!

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  3. Hi here via nacomleavmo.

    I’m so sorry your IVF didn’t work. My first 3 ended the same way – but I DID get there in the end!

    I’ve friends with real live babies from FET’s so i’m glad to hear you’re going to climb back on and try again.

    xx

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  4. Hey Sam,
    I think a month off is a good idea. Healing and me time. You have been on my mind a lot. I am so glad that you are feelingf better. The pain of a failed cycle is very intense. But I really hope this is the end of the pain. Luvs

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  5. I’m sorry that this month’s cycle ended with that BFN. I hope that the month of a break allows you to heal and to prepare for your next cycle. I will be wishing you luck with your FET after your break!

    (NCLM)

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  6. Hola! Glad you seem to be doing a little better 🙂
    Having a plan is good & at least you have an idea of what to do next.

    I can totally relate to you when you said you were angry at God….isn’t he the easiest one to blame! But, I have to admit that my faith is what allows me to have hope that we will one day have a child. I do believe that is God’s will…for both of us.

    Take care & have fun organizing your party! 30 is great 🙂

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