OK, so I freely admit it – the past couple of days have thrown me for a bit of a loop. I am not feeling very happy about my infertile body and am struggling to get myself out of this funk. Many of my friends have told me that I am being too hard on myself and in the back of my mind I know I am… it is just that I really expected better news after the year and a bit of homeopathic remedies etc.
Then I got to thinking about the feelings of dispair I was having. How could I get out of that horrid frame of mind? Why exactly was I feeling so dispairing? I think I have pinpointed the source of the problem. It relates directly to those darn birth control pills… Let me explain. I *know* that I need to go onto the pill to get my hormones sorted out and so that my body can be in it’s best possible shape for treatment moving forward.
I *know* it, but by going onto BCP’s I have to admit that by being on BCP’s I have put that final nail in the coffin of having that miracle happen. I now know that I will not have a chance (however slight) of ovulating and catching that egg. And I know that is what is getting to me right now… Orrrrr, I could end up being one of those wenches who falls preggie while on the pill *hysterical laughter ensues*… Erm, perhaps not?
On the other hand, I am still in the deepest reaches of my heart really glad that I now have an inkling of what is going down in this body of mine. I know that I have issues (and then some), but I also know that by following the plan of action set out by the good Dr V that I have every likelihood of fixing each and every one of those issues. I have what so many others don’t feel they have – hope! And while I am still crawling out of my funk, I am getting closer and closer to that light at the end of the hope tunnel. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, I do believe that I will be a Mommy one day and I do still believe (despite all odds) that my blessing is due in this year. 2008 is the year of victory – and I truly believe that it will be so for many of us.
Because as much as I am entitled to the dispair funk of funkiness, I really want to be a hope addict first and foremost. I need to trust that my God honors His promises, I need to know that the hope in my heart will not be for naught. All in all, hope far outweighs dispair in this classic battle of the rings! Hold onto your seats friends, cos I’m nearly back 🙂