As you may have guessed I have been in a bit of a funk of late, not a really bad deep dark one, but a funk none the less.
think know it is because I know that my self imposed deadline for getting the IVF process in action is looming and I am scared that it won’t work out for us. I feel like I need to explain… I have always been a planning type of girl – I have to have a plan for 90% of life. When we first started on this IF journey, I tackled it like I would most things in life – formulate a plan, voice the plan, put the plan into action… I never thought that I would have to keep reassessing the plan and never in a million years thought that by following the plan that I would sometimes be forced to take several backward steps – I mean the whole idea of a plan is to move forward right? Right?
After my last injectable IUI cycle which was cancelled my doc told me in no uncertain (and very cold) terms that the only way I would ever fall pregnant was to go the IVF route. I was filled with so many emotions – I was devastated that my ovaries (which ached on that cycle like they have never ached before so I was sure that they were happily growing millions of eggs) were so reluctant to yield the 18 -20 mm follicle growth we needed to proceed, I was emotionally and physically exhausted, I was scared and I was just so damn sad. Not depressed and needing pills sad but I was so, so sad. So I changed the plan yet again and went the “natural” route. Initially it worked for me and my ovaries seemed to have received the memo – ovulate and shed every month – Yes Ma’am! But then they went on strike again (buggers, in any work environment they would have been terminated and replaced with happy to be there working type ovaries) and hence we are now at the stage where the IVF appointment has been made and we are going to bite the bullet and move forward yet again…
The point to this amazingly long ramble is that this morning I went for a wax and I was telling my therapist about our plans for the year and voiced my fear that this too may not work out for us. Boy did she force me out my funk, and told me to stop putting negative thoughts into the universe and to pull myself together and to let the plan go! Let the plan go? WTF? The Plan is what gets me through! But in my heart of hearts I know she is right and uncannily enough my reflexologist (who I love by the way) told me the exact same thing yesterday – she said “Sam you need to let go”… and I am going to try my damnedest.
So here is my positive thought going into the universe…
My appointment is for 06th Feb, all will go well and I will learn about my body (Ta Tam 😉 ) and will get that BFP and that beautiful miracle I will call my son or daughter this year.
Yep ladies and gents, this year 2008 will be the year of victory! For all of us.