ad-ven-ture/ad’venCHer/

1.  ad-ven-ture/ad’venCher/

Noun:             An unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity.

Verb:              Engage in hazardous and exciting activity, esp the exploration of unknown territory: “they had advsentured into the forest”.

Synonyms:    noun. venture…. verb. risk – venture – hazard – jeopardize – dare - jeopard

Catching up on blogs the other day (man alive you guys write A LOT) I was reading Julia’s thoughts on her word for 2011 and her word for 2012 and I thought to myself “what an awesome idea” and promptly told her that I was going to steal her “word for the year” concept.  In the past few day’s I’ve been thinking very carefully about what word I was going to allocate to 2012.

There were many words that jumped into my mind – Grace, Thankfulness, Responsiblity, Journey, Love and so on and so forth.  But I wanted to push myself and find a word that would encompass all the other words that rose so quickly.  I think ad-ven-ture/ad’venCHer/ captures what I hope for 2012 in my and my family’s lives.

Because lets face it, life is somewhat hazardous, but also exciting and certainly unusual.

I cannot wait to follow the path that leads to further exploration of my son’s mind and development.  I cannot wait to see how he unfolds as a person under our guidance, love and teachings.  A journey which I’m sure will be coloured with love, joy, gratitude but tempered with worry, hurt and sadness.  My wish for him, is that his adventure with us as his parents is as fun and life moulding as ours will be with him.

On the work front  I hope to open my heart to new adventures.  Ones that will lead me into risk and ventures.  But hopefully ones that will result in fruits of the harvest and more time and energy to expend on the adventure of growing with my child.

I’m going to journey with my body too.  To places once traveled to but long forgotten.  Places of better health and fitness.  These are area’s of adventure with my body that I have long neglected and I can literally feel my body itching to visit these places again.

Finally an adventure of Spirit.  Of closeness with my Dad.  Of renewing my mind and spirit in Him daily.  Of focusing on the fruits He has in store for me and the fruits He has in store for others THRU me.

Like all adventures, I know there’ll be troubled waters to cross and rocky paths to navigate but I know with the correct gear and preparation, the end destination will be SO worth it.

Our New “Normal”

It has to be said.  Going back to work after four months of being off?  It sucks! Big fat donkey balls.

My first day back at work was not as bad as I had built it up to be in my mind (perhaps because I had built it up to be bad?).  Adjustments had to be made by both Cliff and I in order for me to make it into the office on time and looking semi decent.  I had to get up before sparrow’s fart with no chance of napping with my boy after his morning feed (yawn!) and Cliff had to do his S – S -S (sh*t, shower, shave) routine earlier than normal in order for him to feed Kade while I was prettifing myself for the office… I actually had to blow dry my hair and put on decent make up for the day… And then I had to leave my gorgeous boy in the arms of his awesome new nanny… but not before I snapped a pic or two of the two of us on this momentous day…

 

On the whole I had a little drizz in the car on the way to work whilst battling traffic (holy moly, I sure did not miss that!) and allowed myself one call to our nanny to check up on my boy.

Work itself was a bit iffy – it was not very clear as to what my actual role will be and leaving work at 17h00 was not fun!  It was a loooong day too, as I was up for him a few times the night before.  By the time I got home I was rather knackered especially considering that I’ve been getting a full night’s sleep for a while now.

I only ended up spending like 30 minutes with Kade before he went down for the night and I think that’s the hardest thing about being a working mom.  The lack of time you get to spend with your treasure during the week.  And the fact that you’re missing out on al the cute things they do during the day. 

That being said, I know that I’m finding the adjustment harder than Kade is.  He loves his nanny and she is excellent with him.  And soon enough, I’ll have adjusted to our new normal too and will treasure every second with him even more than I do now.

There’s No Place Like Home

Last week I was travelling for business. 

I left late on Tuesday evening and arrived in Cape Town late that night.   I had been pre-prepared to expect the sound of a train at about 04h30 but after arriving late at night and not being familiar with the bed and the sounds of the flat I was staying at freaking me out (trees’ branches were scraping the windows – very eerie) I only fell asleep at about 02h00 and then this train comes rattling past my window and in my confusion I thought it was the office lady arriving for work and banging on the door.  So picture it, I jump out of the bed, bang my head on the TV stand, race downstairs, and open the door to fresh air – only then did I realised that it was the bloody train making that racket.  I spent the whole day in meetings and doing store visits and then finally got home to kick up my heels to realise that my options of TV viewing were extremely limited.  Thankfully I got a good night’s rest and Thursday was busy, busy, busy rushing from store to store then battling traffic to get to the airport to fly to Durban.  I again landed late and was collected by my friend Mich’s husband.  What a nice time I had with her.  It was SO good to catch up and meet her little miracle.  Then off to the Pavilion shopping centre it was to do store visits with my Durban team and then back to the airport where my flight was delayed by two hours! 

Everyone always thinks that travelling for business is so glam and fun – and while I do admit it *can* be for the most part I’ve realised that I’m a home body, I love my bed and my pillows, I love my DSTV, I love being around my husband (even tho I sometimes want to kill him) and I love being with my hounds.

It’s so true my friends – there truly is no place like home.

What’s on your desk?

Today as I was furiously arranging for my team to receive stock and merchandise it all correctly this week I looked at my desk and thought to my self – Blimey!  This desk is M-E-S-S-Y!

It’s not normally like this but today for some reason – it is… It looks like this today:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So what’s on your desk today?

The Conundrum

So I’m sitting with a pretty little conumdrum in my head right now.  Before I got the amazing new job (which is still amazing btw – wheeeeeee) we were planning on doing a September IVF.  We thought that the whole spring, start of new life season would help us get a new life going on inside my tummy.  But at the same time before I got the amazing new job, I was honestly pooping myself to do another treatment while working in hell.  I knew that the environment I was in and the hours I was working would not be condusive to a relatively stress free treatment – I mean lets face it IVF is stressful enough right?

So now I’m at amazing new job and we’re thinking of starting again in November.  And I feel…. guilty stressed confused about this decision.  I REALLY want to move ahead with our plans, but at the same time I feel bad about starting treatment so soon after starting a new job.  When we kick off the treatment I’d have been working here for just on 3 months.  And if we should be successful (please God let our next one be successful) then by the time I told everyone (only at 12 weeks) I would have worked here for just on 6 months.  If we were successful by the time a baby actually came I would have been working here for just on 1 year.  I just don’t know how my new boss will react if I tell him I’m pregnant just on 6 months into my new job.

On one hand I look at it from a manager’s perspective, and I realised that I would not be too impresssed with a member of my team announcing a pregnancy so early in their work like to me, but in the real world people fall pregnant all the time and I would suck it up and deal with it.  On the other hand I think with my heart and my desires and I’m like “lets just do it and if we get a pregnancy out of it I’ll handle the consequences”. 

I guess I’m just tired of putting it off for a better time.  Cos honestly?  When is going to be a better time?  When I’ve worked here for 2 years? 3 years? Never?  And if I’m really open about it, a large part of the reason why I found the new amazing job was so that I would have more of an opportunity of treatment working…

Gah, I’m so torn today about this decision, but on other days I’m steadfast with what we’ve decided to do.

If in my shoes, what would YOU do??

Meh…

The three letters above really sum up how I’m feeling of late.  Just… a little off… a little sensitive… just meh…

It’s no secret that I really hate dislike my job and while I can appreciate that it’s not the best time to be looking for another job (that little thing called a global recession and all) I’ve been attacking the job market with a vengeance of late.  In the last three weeks I’ve applied for 48 jobs.  Yes friends, count em, 48 applications.  I had an interview with a really nice company but honestly the package they’re offering is way below what I would realistically consider.  And the other interview that I set up was a complete waste of time – the job was not advertised correctly and it would mean even more long hours and even more time away from home.  Totally not what I’m looking for.

Other than that, I keep getting told “you have a fantastic CV, but you’re not quite what we’re looking for” or “sorry but you’re white, this job is for BEE candidates only” or “you’re WAY too qualified for this job!” or “you’re way too under qualified for this job”.  This is really wearing on me.  I have to be honest.  There is nothing worse than looking for another job firstly during a recession, secondly while you are working a full time job and thirdly when no-one is prepared to give you a proper chance to sell yourself to them.  I mean CV’s are great for an overall round up, but there is no substitute for being able to meet the person offering the job and showing them quite literally what you’re made of in a face to face situation.

The next “meh” item in my life is the state of our fertility plan of action.  Our HLA tests came back “with no contra indications to conception”.  This means that we won’t need to save for IVIG drips after all.  But on the other side of the coin it means that there is no reason other than my PCOS that we’ve not conceived. (yes Geohde, your theory on shitty luck looks like it has serious merit right about now )  But the thing is this.  I do not want to have another treatment while I’m working where I currently work.  I would hate to finally achieve a pregnancy and find myself stuck in a place where it is fine for your boss to tell you you’re “fucking useless” in front of your junior staff.  I would hate to be stuck in a place where you are told to ignore what is considered blatant fraud cos your boss drinks with his boss every night.  We were planning for a September treatment, which we now need to delay because of the 48 job applications I’ve submitted of late, I’ve no real possibilities on the horizon.

It feels like my life is spiraling out of control.  It feels like I’ve exhausted all my blessings out there.  And while I know that I have a true blessings in my husband, my dogs, my good home and love of friends and family, I still feel like the blessing I long for and desire the most is the one that will elude me forever.

Told you I felt “meh”…

*Sigh*

I’ve been in a pissy mood the last two days – I think it has a direct correlation to the end of our great holiday and the fact that I have had to come back to work, but seriously!  Some people are such children…  take this example of the bloody childish crap I have to deal with constantly during the day.

I received payment from a client for an event and sent it to the finance department so that they could allocate the whole into it’s parts accordingly.  The silly tart (she’s really old and I’m 100% sure she was a sleezy stripper in her past life – note I have nothing against strippers – she is just sleezy – crappy blonde dye job, leopard print velvet pants and the like… erm…. ) who thinks she is God’s gift to finance sends me a snotty email back in CAPS cc’ing in the world - just like this:

“NO ATTACHMENT – CHECK YOUR WORK BEFORE HITTING SEND!”

My blood pressure soared.  I sent her this back this little ditty:

“SCROLL DOWN TO END OF EMAIL – MAYBE *YOU* SHOULD CHECK *YOUR* WORK?”

*sigh*  Not going to win any popularity contests with that one but I don’t really give a shit.  She has been on my ass for nearly 6 months now with crappy petty shit like this – to be honest I think she needs to get a life.

Gah!

So now you can see what contributes to my being pissy! 

What gets you in a pissy mood??

Blog Dispair!

I am really miff!  On Friday our IT guru’s at work sent out an email saying that they were installing an upgrade something or the other which was going to enhance the use of Internet Explorer to users. 

L I A R S!!!!

What they did do was install some bloody programme called Baracuda (I mean anyone else get flashes of a creepy crawly sucking your toes when you read that?) which does not allow me to gain access to WordPress or Blogspot sites AT ALL!

I’m devastated!  How on earth am I now going to read my blogs?  How am I going to update my own blog on a regular basis?  I tell you how dear internets – by having to pay for it my bloody self!  BASTARDS!!!

Work sucks hair balls as it is – now I have to be denied access to the only things that were keeping me sane and out of a straight jacket in the first place???  This is the height of cruelty if you have to ask me…

I’m off now to go and eat a big piece of chocolate cake and main line some red wine….

UPDATED :

I am not able to access google reader or bloglines either with the new Baracuda in town – so I am well and truely screwed!  But thanks to those who suggested it

White Noise in my Head

Oh boy! 

I don’t think my new therapist knew what hit her last night.  It seems I have quite the “thang” going on in my head and now we need to channel it out and get it all sorted.

I’m not going to go into any detail on this blog (well not right now anyway, still trying to get this all processed on my own) but suffice it it say that my step into the therapuetic world was WAY overdue.  I’m a bit of a mess.  But the good news is that I can be fixed.

The one thing that I will say is that I *really* need to work on my lack of ability to cry to release my emotions.  I really battle to have a good drizz.  I could feel the tears well up last night and I immediately fought them back.  I could feel the ugly chin quiver and I forced it back.  I wish I knew how to just let it all spill over and set it free…  The good news is that this can be fixed too

I’m really glad that I took this step.  I know I have some hard sessions ahead of me, but I slept *really deeply* last night and I think it is cos my brain thought to itself “thank goodness she’s giving that white noise somewhere to go”…

Here’s to white noise becoming clear noise and to a good drizz!

Lost my cool

Totally lost my cool with a colleague today…

I’m so annoyed with myself for losing it the way I did but I guess I have been holding this anger that I feel towards him in for ages so it is not surprising that I lost it… but I still hate losing my cool with people I work with…

A while ago this person went to the acting manager (behind my back) and complained about me saying that I did not do enough and I did not do any work and that he had “done his investigations into me” (read : had gone to HR and asked them to check my paperwork!!) and that in his opinion I did not do what he knows an ”X”  to do… he complained about me in an open meeting with the other assistant manager who also then jumped on the band wagon and complained and who said if that was true and my title was truly “X” that he was also pissed that I was not doing what they thought I shoud be doing…

The acting manager called me in the next day and asked me about this and I told him that I was very surprised that it had taken the initial complainer since October last year to realise what my title was and to complain about it.  Now admittedly when one hears my title one does get a perception of what I am “supposed” to do, but when I started working here I negotiated a different job spec and the ONLY reason I was given “X” title was becuase the GM and Operations Manager felt it had to be “X” to justify my salary (which is a reasonably good one).  I also stated this for the record with the acting manager but also told him catagorically that I really don’t give a flying fig what my title is – I am doing the job I was hired to do and that is listed in my job description and he can call me the “tea maker” if it was THAT big an issue…

Well this afternoon while checking up that the initial complainant had done what he was supposed to have done, he arrogantly told me to brief the staff… so I said to him ” XXX, surley you have read the function sheet and know what to brief the staff about” and he just looked at me and was like “no YOU can do something for once and brief the staff”… I duly briefed the staff and then he came to me and complained that I had spoken to him badly and should not have asked him if he read his fucntion sheet and that my attitude to him stinks… I let rip, I told him that I was not willing to deal with a back stabber who can run to the operations manager and my acting manager behind my back to complain about me and that I thought it was shocking that he did not have the guts to tell me his issues to my face. (little bit of double standards there on my side cos I was not willing to confront him about his complaint in the first place *blush*)  It ended up getting quite heated and I feel bad now that I lost it to that extent with him… BUT I am glad that I got it out and off my chest… it has been brewing for a while, bubbling under the surface and a good air clearing was probably in order, but I wish that I had remained calm and rational when going through it with him…

I have been working on this particular aspect of myself (cos it is not so nice this tendancy to give into my temper) but clearly that Irish blood of mine can still get riled up all to easily sometimes!