Feeling a bit silly

You know what today is?  CD 59.  It’s also my 6th day of being back on the pill.  I’m mostly ok with it.  But let me back track a bit. 

At our last WTF appointment my lovely doc had told me that he did not want me on any form of meds for 3 months – we felt that my body needed a break from artificial hormones for a while.  We agreed that whilst I needed to not be on meds, I also needed to have a regular period so if I had not had a bleed by the 28th April (CD53) I was to contact him and we would decide a way forward.

28th April dawned and still no bloody period.  So I popped my FS an email and asked him what he wanted to do.  He wanted me to go in for a scan the next day and based on that we would decide our course of action. 

I can’t tell you how weird anxious sad scared heartbroken odd I felt walking into the clinic again.  It was hectically busy and there were so many new faces.  New faces filled with hope and excitement.  While mine was set in stone.  New faces whose hearts were thumping in excited anticipation.   While mine was constricted and did not want to beat.  I was greeted by name by all the staff there and chatted a bit with some of them while waiting my turn.  A new face asked me if I was there to have my second baby cos they all knew me so well.  I said no I was still trying for my first.  She asked how long I’d been trying.  I told her 6 years.  She asked how many times I’ve done this.  I told her five.  She mumbled something and turned away from me. 

Oops I did it again, I made another one scared and nervous. *sigh*

So into the scan room I went with a thumping heart.  I don’t know why I was so scared… actually I’m fibbing.  I do know.  In the smallest region of my heart I was secretly hoping that I would be one of *those* women.  You know the ones right?  The ones who after 6 years of infertility and several failed IVF’s miraculously spontaneously fall pregnant all.on.their.own. 

I know I should have known better.  My body?  It’s not known for its regularity in ovulation.  It’s not known for its perky little 28 day cycles.  What it is known for are my over 100 day cycles and that record-breaking 198 day cycle.  It is certainly not known for its ability to miraculously fall pregnant.  But a teensy weensy part of me could not forget that we had got it on on CD15.  And that silly little teensy weensy part of me could not help but hope that I might be legend.

Clearly I should know to know better.  My FS was all excited cos he found a corpus luteum cyst and thought my period would come all on its own but just to be sure he sent me for some bloods to check my E2 and progesterone levels.  My levels were so low they were through the floor.  So even if my wonderfully PCOS body had somehow managed to create a follie and release it, my wonderfully PCOS body could not manage to keep it going.  Great. 

So here I sit dutifully popping my daily pill feeling a bit silly.  A lot dumb.  And very, very broken.  I’ve been trying so hard to get myself back into a positive frame of mind about this journey we’re on.  I’ve been immersing myself in my relationship with God (which is still tenuous at best but it’s slowly getting better) and just really trying to focus on all the good I have in my life.  I’ve been looking within and willing myself to find strength to keep believing that this can happen for us.

I think that the fact I was secretly a teensy bit hopeful at that scan shows that I *can* dredge up the strength and hope to do this again.  I think it shows that sometime in the future my fighting spirit will rise again.

But today?  Right now as my fingers fly across this keyboard?  I feel so silly and so dumb for believing.  I feel so unbelievably stupid for having believed that *my* body (whose track record has been far from sterling) could actually work.

And I would give anything for that feeling to be gone.

Follie Gosh!

So the scan this morning was good

My lining is at 8.4mm and we have follies.  Lots and lots of follies.  Probably around 6 – 8 per ovary all at 11+mm.  I administered 2 amps of menopur and 1/2 a cetrotide today, will have 2 amps menopur & a full cetrotide tomorrow and have been told to up the fluid intake to a minimum of 4 litres per day to try and combat the ever lurking OHSS…

So I’m happy cos clearly my PCOS ovaries are responding well to the stim and my lining is looking really good this early in the game. 

I scan again on Friday morning.

All aboard…

*Huge sigh of relief* 

A while back I emailed my darling doc to let him know that we’ve had enough of this taking a break thing and that we were ready to jump back into the IVF saddle in February of 2009 and asked him if there was anything I should do in preparation for the upcoming big deal… He mailed me back and asked that I come in on my January cycle for a quick scan and blood work update to ensure that my PCOS ovaries are still behaving themselves and for Cliff to do a swim up and morph to ensure that all is well on his side…

So on Tuesday we both woke up before sparrows fart and headed off for the clinic.   It  sounds silly but I was nervous, I mean I know the deal right - put name on list, go to McDonalds on the corner of Rivonia road and order tea to drink while you wait for the scanning to start.  Get name called, walk into scan room, pop off panties, hop on bed, say hi to dildocam and doc, scan, hop off bed, wipe, put on panties and head out for further instructions right.  AND I knew my ovaries were behaving cos well duh,  I’ve been on the pill to ensure they are not partying it up in there!    Anyway, I digress, went in for my scan – lining 3.8, quiet on the left, quiet on the right.  Right Sam start clometephine Day 4 – HOLD THE BUS!!!!  Major confusion ensued as I explained we were just there for the pre IVF check – and then major panic as I had to check with Cliff if he did want to start right away ( I mean the option was being handed to us on the plate there chaps, it warranted a discussion while I wiped the goo at least).  We finally decided that we’re moving ahead as originally planned.

Cliff’s SA has come back good too, so right now internets marks the beginning of the count down to fresh IVF # 2!  ONe more pack of BCP and then we’re heading into this water again… Expect the ride to start 09th or 10th Febuary 2009!!!

All aboard!

The Secret Pain

Yet another early morning start for me today to check on the follies, so I was up (again) before sparrows fart, getting showered and dressed for my date with dildo cam, and my heart was feeling good.  My ovaries have been aching dully so I know that they are doing something in there, whether it is a party going on or not is anyone’s guess, but that ache re-assures me.

Driving to the clinic, the sun started coming up and hit the clouds just so, making them pink and shiny and tinged with just the right amount of orange gold, it really took my breath away and I thought to myself how blessed I was to have woken up early enough on such a stunning day to see that sun rise and kiss the clouds.

I got to the clinic settled in for a wait and got chatting to my friend Sharon (making lots of noise the two of us were in the normally hushed rooms) when in walked a couple with their little girl, who could not have been more than 2 or 3 years old.  It was one of those moments, you know the ones where the whole moment freezes and it continues in super slo mo?  Every eye was on that little girl, she was super cute and had this blonde hair and the biggest baby blues you have ever seen… she tottered into the waiting room, stood at the table and eyed Shaz and I… At one stage I was petrified that she would walk over to me and touch me, touch me in my fertlity clinic of all places.  While I coud appreciate exactly how cute she was and how lucky her parents were to have her (assuming that they battled to have her in the first place considering where they had just walked into) I had this little secret pain in my heart.  There standing before me was the object of my hearts desire, a real live beautiful child.  Oh how it hurt to see what could be, what is going to be but is not yet realised.  Thankfully I was called for my scan, and I could escape the secret pain of that stunning little tyke. 

 

PS –>  leading follie was 14mm so I started the combination of menopur and cetrotide today, shoot up again tomorrow and then back on Monday for follie check.  Lining still the same at 9.5mm… Looking good good looking

Countdown…

…to my first scan of this IVF… With only one more clomid to chomp, I feel like I should be studying for an exam but I am flagrantly ignoring that fact by laying by the pool tanning my legs… Weird I know, but I still think I should be feeling something, anything at all, but nada, nothing at all… *sigh* only time will tell I guess… tick, tock, tick, tock…

I had my first appointment with Dr Debbie the wonder acupuncturist last night, and it went really well.  Not only did my tummy go nice and red during the treatment (according to her a very good thing) I was as itchy as all hell afterwards (also a good thing apparantly).  When she made me visualise the colours I really did not find it that hard at all, the orange traveled from the needles in my tummy up my spine and out my mouth – out with the bad, in with the good, then move onto blue for my messed up post nasal drip – what the hell why am I imagining purple?  And now green and yellow?  Oooi peloi… haha, not a bad thing either to imagine other colours – purple = creativity and imagination, green is my heart chakra and yellow was for the area just above my pelvic area…. Not to shabby Nigel!  So, now I wait for the scan tomorrow to see when I can/should expect my egg retrieval and then the day before I need to see Dr Debbie again to visualise my colours and my uterus accepting my embies for a long long stay…

Ho hum, how many more hours till tomorrow morning?