Today

Today marks a place in time when I was in my mind celebrating the fact that I was finally going to be a mother.  It was going to be the day I finally got to give Cliff a book I bought him last May.  It was a day for happy tears.  Today was going to be a day where I was going to worry about how I would break the news on this blog.  I did not want to be too over excited as I would be mindful of the fact that there were still so many of you in the trenches trying to attain that holy grail of pregnancy.

Instead, today my heart is very sore.  Instead of being excited to get beta results, I am trying to heal my heart cos I already know that it’s over and that my dream is over.  Instead, today I am bleeding – both physically and mentally.

But it’s not been all doom and glood today.

Today two dear friends got great news.  The one got an excellent fert report and the other finally got to see a heart beating on a scan.  This is wonderful, excellent news, and makes the fact that today is sad for me, not as sad as it could have been.

And yet, I still sit here and wonder – what could have been?  I wonder how on earth I am still in that trench we call infertility…

The End?

Looks like this is as close as I get to having a baby scan for now… late yesterday afternoon I had a reasonably big bleed, so I rushed home and bought some HPT’s and took one.  Stark white negative. 

I went in for an early beta this morning – just to confirm what my head and my heart already know.

This sucks.  Huge hairballs.

Haunted House

While canoeing on the Bitou River the other day we found this “haunted” house.  This house is in a beautiful spot and has the most amazing views but it looks really spooky mostly because it is sad and lonely and unloved…

It took some convincing on my part to get scaredy cat Cliff to agree to go in, but finally we set out to explore this sad relic of a home and I was astounded at what we found.  I figured the house would be filled with graffitti and be a mess inside but I was also really saddened at the futility of it.  It is HUGE and the plan must have been for this to be a family home where lots of kids were brought up all the while enjoying the most of what nature had to offer. 

I wonder what this house’s story is?

The truth is…

… that I am floundering.  I really am not sure what the heck I want out of life.  The only thing I *am* sure that I want, I can’t work towards getting right now (cos we’re on a break) and I am floundering… 

I am really not happy at my current job, it pays the bills and it is “ok” but I am bored stiff and while I know with my head that it is not a good time to be looking for jobs right now (cos most people are hanging in there for bonuses and leave) I feel like I really *should* be doing something to get myself out of here… I am seeing an employment agent this afternoon and while I am going to see her I have the distinct impression that I am wasting mine and her time cos I honest to gosh do not know what kind of job I am looking for…  I am trying to get myself set up in this ceramics business but as much as I am excited about the opportunities it presents I am scared shitless about what it entails…

I am feeling weepy today and I’m not sure why… I have a sneaky suspicion that it has something to do with the fact that I pop a little white pill every morning which is supposed to make my body NOT ovulate (pssst, little white pill I can do *that shit* without your help thank you very much), and that I am supposed to get a visit from Aunt Flo in three days time… just in time for our weekend away in Clarens at this divine place… erm not condusive for romance are ya Flo?  

I am irritated that we have been allocated the “sleep 2″ chalet at the resort we are going to (and I have NO right whatsoever to be annoyed cos we’re getting this chalet for FREE) cos we are the childless couple of the three that are going away together… I wish it was me who was arranging a cot for our chalet that “sleeps 4″ and that we were worried about space in our car cos we had to transport kids…

I am tired all the time, it is a monumental battle to get myself out of bed in the mornings and yes you guessed it I am floundering…  I am wondering if I am in desperate need of a shrink or if I just need to give myself a good old kick up the rear end?

Right now I’m hanging in for our holiday in November and I guess I will re-evaluate after that… but I guess I know that I seriously need to do something about this funk I’m in right now… cos a floundering Sam = unhappy Sam = irritable Sam = big fight with husband to release the tension = unhappy husband and wife and sad hounds in the household of Young… *sigh*

Blue Monday…

… I feel blue today and I’m afraid that I’m having a bit of a pity party for myself right about now… the weather sucks and my mood sucks just as badly…

My reflexologist had to cancel my appointment on Friday cos she was tired and pukey cos of her early pregnancy… A close friend just emailed me this morning to tell me that she is 7 weeks pregnant and I am just waiting for pregnancy announcement number three to rear it’s head – cos they *always* come in three’s…

I have been very quiet about our FET this month cos I felt like if I did not make a big song and dance out of it that it would be better.  FET’s are kinda uneventful too – no needles and no daily scans, no ER and no big wait for the fert report, so I feel like a bit of a pseudo treatment girl this month if you know what I mean… I’m trying to figure out if I’m really excited to have the FET happen sometime in the next two weeks?  I mean I think I am, but in some way I know that I’m holding back cos I’m trying to guard my heart in case it does not work (stats show we don’t have that much of a chance anyway… but I’ve never been one for stats anyway… see saw emotion see saw).  Before we embarked on the FET cycle, I had decided that I was handing this one over to my Creator, but as I am inching closer to setting the date for the thaw I can feel that I am wanting to take back the control…

Today I am wondering if I am ever going to be a Mom?  Will I ever be pregnant?  Am I even meant to be a parent?  It seems to be easier for most of the people in my life to have *gasp* sex and fall pregnant so why is it so bloody hard for us?  Ok so infertility has robbed us of the regular sex thing but even if we were still humping like rabbits 178 day cycles don’t exactly help the matter either now do they?  Please God let us be next on the lottery list of pregnant people, I’ll promise to do my best not to mess it up…

Bah… I’m tired.  I’m weepy. I just want this to happen.