I’ve been holding out on you

I’ve been busy the last 8 days. 

Busy stimming for our GIFT.  I know I should probably have said something but I honestly did not feel like I could handle putting it  all out here again  about my follies and my lining.  It’s so…. overdone on my blog.  I always stim well.  I always have great follies.  I always have great lining.  I always have great embryo’s. 

Up until now it’s the getting pregnant part that I’ve really sucked at.  But I am hoping with all my scared, anxious, excited, muted happy heart that this time will be different.  That my upcoming GIFT will be the turning point in our journey to have a family.

I’ve stimmed superbly this cycle – after only 8 days of stim I face trigger in the face tonight and tomorrow morning.  (Lucrin trigger hence the two jabs) My GIFT will be on Saturday.  A friend said it would be cool to know that my “babies” are on board for Valentines Day, and in a way it does make me feel pretty cool.  That on the day of global love, I can lovingly pray for my turn to be now in His time.  And I can pray for peace in my heart and for fear to be banished as well.

Cos I am really scared.  Underneath the still water this swan is furiously paddling and she’s scared.  I can’t even begin to imagine a negative outcome on this cycle cos the thought of that is just really too much to bare.  

If you feel led to pray for us (despite my having held out on you guys who offer such amazing support all the time) I would appreciate any prayers at this time.  Prayers for peace, confidence and for my eggs to fertilise well with Cliff’s sperm on Saturday once they are put back into my tube.  For the left over eggs (if we have any) to fertilize well in the lab.  For the fruit we’ve been believing for.

Prayer at the time in our lives and in our journey that we choose to believe will be our turning point.  Roll on Saturday, that’s all I can say.

Already?

Sjoe, it’s been a whirlwind two days.

Yesterday’s scan revealed all my follies growing nicely sitting at between 15 and 16+ mm (he measured about 4 per ovary) and told me that there is a “decent” second cohort growing on each side as well.  He told me to keep the water flowing freely and asked if I was feeling fine.  I said yes,  a little uncomfy but just fine thanks.  Then he dropped the E2 bomb on me – my E2 on Friday was 7000.  That me dears is high.  So he sent me off to the vampires lab to have another E2 done and told me he would call with further instructions once the results were in.  E2 yesterday had climbed to 11 500 odd – holy cow!  So I had 1 x amp of menopur and 1 x cetrotide for the day.

I then spent the day at The Rhema children’s Village in town.  What a great day.  This home started nearly 20 years ago as a small shelter where homeless kids could sleep for the night and have  a meal.  It is now a registered home which hosts up to 75 children at a time.  The kids were amazing and I sat on my knee’s and weeded the gardens with them.  When it came time to have a tour the kids were SO proud of their home and their rooms and what they are making of themselves, they showed us their report cards from school and were such well-mannered, well-adjusted kids that my heart and soul were both totally restored.  I’m definitely getting more involved there in future.  I loved my time there and of course the bear hugs I got from the kids just were the cherry on the top of an amazing day.

Then off this am to the clinic again for yet another early morning scan.  Lawrence scanned me (he was The Lone Ranger today – Stephan is doing the 94.7) and actually called me a chicken.  Asked me if I was clucking when I talked.  He’s such a card – what a honey!  He said I had “plench” of follies and that they were all doing well.  They are sitting at 18+mm today.  I’ve had another E2 and Progesterone blood test done this am and that means it’s time…

TRIGGER TIME!  I’m triggering with lucrin, so need to take 40ml at 20h00 tonight and then another 40ml tomorrow morning at 08h00.  ER is set for Tuesday morning at 08h00.  Interestingly, Lawrence told me that when they trigger girls (mostly PCOS patients) with lucrin it is way more “natural” than triggering with ovidrel or pregnal etc.  This helps them combat the dreaded over stim (OHSS).  So, as much as I still need to drink water like there is no tomorrow, we’re hopeful that the lucrin trigger will also keep the OHSS at bay…

Holy smokes y’all!  I cannot believe that it’s ER time already.  This cycle has literally flown and I just can’t believe it.  But I’m still feeling good.  I’m still positive that this one is going to be THE one.

What a ride it’s been up till now!

Follie Gosh!

So the scan this morning was good

My lining is at 8.4mm and we have follies.  Lots and lots of follies.  Probably around 6 – 8 per ovary all at 11+mm.  I administered 2 amps of menopur and 1/2 a cetrotide today, will have 2 amps menopur & a full cetrotide tomorrow and have been told to up the fluid intake to a minimum of 4 litres per day to try and combat the ever lurking OHSS…

So I’m happy cos clearly my PCOS ovaries are responding well to the stim and my lining is looking really good this early in the game. 

I scan again on Friday morning.

The Big Drip

Sjoe! 

I cannot believe that I’m already 7 days into IVF #3 and have been stimming since Friday and have had my first intralipid infusion this morning.  The stims are going well – on 2 amps of menopur per day and right now I’m doing well on them.  Not having any adverse reactions and am still being pretty much hormonally normal (ie: no menopur monster developing – lucky Cliff).  I did manage to nick a vein in my tummy on Sunday morning but otherwise all good.  Note to self:  Don’t rush the jab!  You will bruise!  Scan on Wednesday to check what is brewing on the inside.

Intralipids are interesting.  I was told to expect the drip to last anything from 3 – 4 hours and to make sure I had loads of padkos and to drink loads of water.  So armed with 6 muffins, 2 apples, 2 tubs of yoghurt, 2 litres of water, my laptop, 2 books and my cell phone I made sure I was ready for action.  In went the needle, out came the clear prep liquid and then came the lovely milk drip.  I was told to expect an achy feeling in my arm and shoulder as well as possible dizziness and nausea.  All I felt was a very slight ache in my shoulder.  I read blogs and chatted to some of the patients husbands (and scared the pants off them – the whole you know this is my fourth treatment and third fresh IVF thing… they were all first timers) who were waiting for their wives to get out from ER and just under 2 hours later my milk drip was done and dusted.  I now have a slight headache from it but am feeling right as rain and am at work listening to the rain beat against the windows.

I don’t know why but I’m always so amazed at how quickly time seems to fly when one actually gets going with treatment.  Any infertile will tell you that the waiting we do is ETERNAL.  And I know that many of you reading this are now nodding your heads and saying Amen sista!  Its like wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait, until you start treatment and then all of a sudden time leaps into warp and before you know it you’re heading into ER and ET and then wham, you hit that brick wall as you slam into the wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait mode again during the two week wait.

I’m just grateful that we’ve got the opportunity at trying this again.  That with this attempt we have the chance of getting what we wanted again.  That this one, this lucky number 3 (or 4 if you count the FET) could very well be THE one.  The holy grail.  Oh how our heart’s are yearning for that.

What was I supposed to think?

One thing I can say about this cycle is that it is leaving me feeling exhausted – all the early mornings are not good for my constitution (I am a night owl, not a early morning budgie) and I went to bed reasonably early last night.  As normal, I turned my phone onto silent knowing that if for some reason anyone had an emergency that they could call on our land line to wake us up.  Well this morning I see that I have two missed calls from my cousin, Mark and a text message saying “I no longer have a girlfriend…”

My heart stopped – I love Cindy!  She is already part of the family and I could not believe that they had broken up, so at 05h30 in the morning I sent him a text explaining why I never called him last night and saying how sorry I was to hear the news and asking if he was OK and if there was ANYTHING I could do to help them… So I get a call at about 06h30 from him and I’m like a mother hen asking what happened and how is he etc… So he puts me in my place and says “Why are you assuming the worst?  All I said is that I no longer have a girlfriend…” and at that time about ten million pennies dropped – They had got engaged over the weekend!  Not broken up!  Commited and solidified!  Naturally I am super happy for them and told him that, but man, don’t I feel like an arse?

I guess that is one thing that I hate about infertility.  The fact that after being in this ringer for a while, one tends to think naturally of the worst that could happen… or is it just a human trait?? Perhaps it was the way he worded his sms and the fact that he called so late (about 23h00) to give the good news, but man, why did my mind automatically think bad news?  The fertiles in my family all got the engaged vibe immediately, but not Dumbass Sam…  Will I ever automatically look for the silver lining again?  I don’t know, but I sure hope so.

In other news, my follies grew like beans over the weekend!  Scan this morning showed 3 -4 follies on the left ovary sitting at between 18 – 20 mm and 2 or so on my right in the same growth range.  Lining is at 10mm and doc is happy with that.  Had some more drugs (cetro & menopur cocktail) this morning and back tomorrow for another scan to see if I can receive trigger shot tomorrow… Egg retrieval either Thursday or Friday!  Crikey Moses, this is real people!  Egg Retrieval!!!

The Secret Pain

Yet another early morning start for me today to check on the follies, so I was up (again) before sparrows fart, getting showered and dressed for my date with dildo cam, and my heart was feeling good.  My ovaries have been aching dully so I know that they are doing something in there, whether it is a party going on or not is anyone’s guess, but that ache re-assures me.

Driving to the clinic, the sun started coming up and hit the clouds just so, making them pink and shiny and tinged with just the right amount of orange gold, it really took my breath away and I thought to myself how blessed I was to have woken up early enough on such a stunning day to see that sun rise and kiss the clouds.

I got to the clinic settled in for a wait and got chatting to my friend Sharon (making lots of noise the two of us were in the normally hushed rooms) when in walked a couple with their little girl, who could not have been more than 2 or 3 years old.  It was one of those moments, you know the ones where the whole moment freezes and it continues in super slo mo?  Every eye was on that little girl, she was super cute and had this blonde hair and the biggest baby blues you have ever seen… she tottered into the waiting room, stood at the table and eyed Shaz and I… At one stage I was petrified that she would walk over to me and touch me, touch me in my fertlity clinic of all places.  While I coud appreciate exactly how cute she was and how lucky her parents were to have her (assuming that they battled to have her in the first place considering where they had just walked into) I had this little secret pain in my heart.  There standing before me was the object of my hearts desire, a real live beautiful child.  Oh how it hurt to see what could be, what is going to be but is not yet realised.  Thankfully I was called for my scan, and I could escape the secret pain of that stunning little tyke. 

 

PS –>  leading follie was 14mm so I started the combination of menopur and cetrotide today, shoot up again tomorrow and then back on Monday for follie check.  Lining still the same at 9.5mm… Looking good good looking

Slow & Steady Wins the Race…

Today I was reminded of the story of the Hare and the Tortoise, you know the one where the hare is like the mouse that shouts “aireeba aireeba” but it too overconfident and eager and falls asleep and ends up losing the race to the tortoise who ran the race at a slow and steady pace? 

Why you ask?  Because my follies have decided that slow and steady wins the race…  Todays scan was ok – good actually considering that I am only on CD 11 of this IVF cycle… Lining was measuring at a nice healthy 9.5mm and I have two leading follies on the left measuring 12mm and two leading follies on the right as well also measuring 12mm…

…But I was kinda hoping for more?  Were my expectations too high?  It was just that after such a great response to the clomid (without the monster making an appearanc nogall) I was riding the high wave. Only to be dunked by today’s scan…  Lovely Doctor is happy cos as he so rightly said it is still early days yet.

So scan diagnosis is good… we’ll stick with good.

Had another 2 amps of menopur this morning, and have steadily aching ovaries so hopefully the other follies will be late bloomers and catch up.  Back bright and early tomorrow for another scan to check out the progress, if the leading follies are at 14mm, I start with cetrotide as well as the menopur until trigger for ER.

Just another day of slow and steady, cos this is one race I definitly want to win and will be doing my best not to muck it up by being too much of an eager beaver.

Have Follies – Will Grow

Well blow me down with a feather! 

My scan this morning was really good.  Despite the non appearance of the clomid monster, it seems that the meds did the work they were meant to do after all   My lining is at 5mm – remind me now we are shooting for approx 12 – 15 mm right? (moosh brain) – and I have 5 follies on the left and 8 – 9 follies on the right… they are sitting at various sizes but the leading ones are sitting at 10mm as of this morning  – Whoo Hoo Clomid!!! 

Soooo took my first 2 amps of menopur this morning and have another 2 amps to take tomorrow morning, then back for rescan on Friday to check my follies progress…

What a ride people!  Cannot wait to see what they have done on Friday – grow follies grow!!!!