Time for a second?

When I found out that I  was finally pregnant, I found myself hoping that I was carrying twins.  My high beta’s fed my hope of a twin pregnancy.  I have always wanted three children and the fact that it had proven harder than I ever imagined to get pregnant, I really wanted (like most IVF patients) to have twins.  That way I would have my family in one shot and wouldn’t ever have to consider doing IVF again.

Then I experienced hectic bleeding.  I was terrified I was losing the only viable pregnancy I had ever had.  When we had our first scan at 7 weeks I was a little disappointed to find out that I was carrying a singleton.  But I was just so happy to know that I was carrying a live baby.  I had more hectic bleeding right up until 16 weeks into my pregnancy and then all of a sudden the bleeding stopped and I had a perfect pregnancy from there on out.

In 9 days time my son will be turning one.  I cannot believe that time has gone so quickly.  It feels like I was pregnant both yesterday and a lifetime ago.   As Kade draws closer to his first birthday I find myself wondering if it’s time to consider trying for a second baby.

I miss having a baby to snuggle.  I miss the littleness.  Don’t get me wrong I absolutely LOVE who Kade is becoming as he grows but I yearn for the small days.  The baby powder smelling tiny days.

I had secretly hoped that I would end up being one of those PCOS girls for whom pregnancy was the cure.  It would seem that I am not to be that lucky.  I have had exactly two cycles since I stopped breastfeeding Kade at 6 months.  My current cycle is sitting at 140 days and counting so I think it’s safe to say that pregnancy did not cure my PCOS.

That being the case, if I want a second baby (and I do, I really, really do) that will most likely mean getting my feet wet in IVF waters again.    To be honest, I’m not really sure how that makes me feel.  I know I can physically face doing another IVF, I mean after six of them, what is one more?  I think I could handle another IVF failure emotionally.  I definitely know that the sense of desperation that I felt doing fertility treatments won’t be the same because I do have Kade in my life now.

What makes me unsure is this.  I’m in a good place mentally.  I don’t want to get sucked back into the whole ttc frame of mind.  I worry that I won’t be able to stop trying for a second baby if after one or two IVF’s we havent yet succeeded.  I really don’t want to get back to being that obsessive person that I was before we hit the jackpot with IVF number 6.

I guess I will bide my time and see how things pan out.  Cliff and I have discussed the “timeline” for heading into IVF waters again.  If I am not by some miracle (and it will be a miracle) pregnant naturally by next year, we’ll contact our FS and start looking at heading into our next IVF.

I can only hope and pray that I either manage to conceive by some miracle before then, or that if we do head into IVF again that it takes first time round now that I have already had a pregnancy and live birth.

Time will tell.  As it always does.

Memories of today…

It hit me as I woke up this morning.

Last year today, we were waking up and heading to Vitalab for our blood test after our 6th IVF. Our journey that started with 11 eggs retrieved and 3 embryo’s transferred was about to have a conclusion. Either way.

Last year today, after my freak bleed seven days into the two week wait I was trying to believe with all my heart that what I had experienced was implantation bleeding but was honestly not very hopeful and was preparing my heart for another negative result. I was preparing my heart for closure on my own eggs and preparing my heart to open to other avenues to parenthood.

I remember shaking internally as the sister at the lab drew my blood and watching her dispassionately as she marked the vial with my details. I remember handing in my barcode upstairs and getting a hug from the team of IVF nurses. I remember walking to McDonald’s holding Cliff’s hand and him telling me that he believed this was it and me just nodding adsently.

I remember trying to eat my egg mcmuffin and it sitting heavily in my tum all the while checking the time on my phone every 30 seconds, willing the phone to ring and for them to just put us out of our misery already.

I remember going to the loo and heaving that egg mcmuffin up.

I remember us walking out of the door of the McDonalds on our way back to the clinic to wait there for the news and my phone ringing and us stopping right there in the road and hearing the words “you need to get your ass back to the clinic right now… cos you’re pregnant and I need to give you a hug!”

I remember the rush of blood to my head as I turned to Cliff and kept saying over “oh my God, Babe, it worked, it worked” I remember us laughing and hugging and crying and just stumbling over our words to each other. “Wow, I can’t believe it” “I told you it was the one” “Thank you God” “I love you babe” “Yes me too” “holy shit i’m pregnant”

I remember walking on a cloud into the clinic and my doc coming over and grabbing my hand and telling me that I had made his day, his year! And that it was a strong result considering that I had tested 4 days early. He even forgot himself enough to hug me.

I remember that I could not wipe the smile off my face. I wanted to tell everyone sitting there that miracles happened and that their miracle could happen too.

I remember getting our meds and calling our families and crying in the car.

I remember heading to the pharmacy to buy a couple of home pregnancy tests cos gosh dammit I WAS going to see two lines on one of those things if it was the last thing I did.

I remember going home and peeing on the first stick. Seeing and extremely faint line come up and worrying that the pregnancy was not as strong as my FS had told it me was. Telling myself that I practically had to squeeze the wee out and that’s probably why it was so faint. I remember marvelling at the fact that altho faint, there WAS a second line.

I remember so much of that day, the surreal happiness. The gratefulness to God for giving us this gift.

Last year today, my life changed. Last year today, my journey to parenthood solidified in a way I could never have imagined.

As I kissed my son goodbye today, I said another prayer of thanks to my Saviour.

Last year today the joy I felt is only surpassed by the joy I feel holding my son in my arms this year today.

Money Monster

Move over Bride of Frankenstein – there’s a new monster bitch in town and it’s the Money Monster!  Yours truly in case you were wondering.

One of the things that scares me most about facing our 6th big ART treatment besides the possibility of facing yet another negative result is the financial outlay we are going to have to commit to yet again.

I’m sure you’ll all agree with me wholeheartedly on this one.  Fertilty treatment is DAMN EXPENSIVE!  I’ve always been of the opinion that it will all be worth it in the end, when we hold our child(ren) in our arms that no amount of money would matter.  But the fact is that you are spending huge amounts of money on a slight chance that you might at long last pull the long straw.  We have been so blessed in the last 6 years of our journey because we have been lucky enough to have financial help from family but if I’m really honest I can see how this pipe dream is seriously making a dent in our lives (and pockets).

Those of you who know me in real life will know that I used to have the philosphy of “it’s just money” however in the last two years through a series of events that have occured I’ve become “the money monster”.  I watch literally every penny that I earn and budget it down to *the* last cent in order to ensure that we can afford IVF.  If it’s luxury it’s quite simply out of the question.  I gave up an extremely well paying  job (but a highly unsatifactory one) to work where I am working now but that came with a pay cut.  I’ve cut all luxuries in my life out so that I can still carry my load of the bills and put a small (very small) amount of money away to afford a chance at being a mother.  No more pedicures (can do that at home myself), no more painting, no more unecessary food stuff, no more constant entertaining, not a lot of eating out allowed anymore, no more, no more, no more…  We rely on tax refunds, bonuses etc to pay for our treatment and I watch every cent like a freaking hawk cos I.cannot.be.in.the.place.of.not.being.able.to.afford.another.treatment.

I hate being this person, this money monster who is so hectic about money.  I saw what worrying about money does to a marriage first hand with my folks.  I don’t want to be this person but I also can’t help myself.  When I look back at the nearly R200 000.00 we’ve spent on treatment alone not counting the probable R50 000.00 to R60 000.00 on therapy, reflexology, acupuncture etc I want to vomit. 

But I also know that if we do ever get this right that money will be worth nothing in my life.

Now here is where I need advise.  The husband wants to spend a substantial amount of money on a trip for the two of us.  He will be taking part in a mountain bike race and I will be waiting for him to come in and we’ll maybe have one or two nice dinners while we are there. 

I just cannot get it out my head that this trip, while it will be really nice, is a luxury.  We can go away to nice places locally that won’t cost us as much and will be just as nice, in fact nicer cos we’ll actually be spending proper quality time together.

I’ve suggested he go on his own.  He wants us both to go. 

I feel that flights for both of us are complete luxury and just can’t bring myself to spend a quarter of a treatment’s worth of money for 3 days.

So, if you have a moment please take part in my very first poll and also leave any wise words of wisdom for a “money monster” on how to find the balance in this all below in the comments.

The WTF Appointment

We had our WTF appointment with our wonderful FS yesterday. 

He was so apologetic about the fact that I had to find out that my cycle had failed on the same day I fetched my Dad’s ashes and kept on saying how he could not believe how much more I could take in terms of life handing me lemons (not in those exact words but you get the general idea)…

It just goes to show that when my gut tells me that I have a right to be worried about something, I need to trust it.  I was very worried about my 4 eggs that never made not even one measly embryo in the lab after my GIFT and well, after seeing my fert reports yesterday at our meeting no wonder I was anxious and “knew” there was something to worry about.  On day one of fert we had zero cells – that means that we never even had fertilization people!  Day two had a measly one cell on three of the eggs and then they arrested.  My FS’s theory (and it is just a theory but one I completely agree with) is that what happens in the lab often mirror’s what happens in the tube.  They have had cases of GIFT where the ferts in the lab were not great which still resulted in a pregnancy for that patient but the defining factor was that there WAS fert… We both felt that with zero ferts in the lab that more than likely not one of our eggs even ferted in my tubes either. 

And this has taken us both completely by left field.  There is no way that we would have even done GIFT if we felt that there was even the remotest chance of a zero fert.  My previous ferts have always been EXCELLENT.  Like 95 – 100% excellent. 

But now that it’s happened it’s opened up a whole new can of worms for us moving forward.  Our FS is no longer willing to take a chance on zero fert so any future treatment we do will be half ICSI half normal fert.  We discussed ZIFT briefly but we both feel that for us it’s best to keep me out of theatre and to go back to IVF/ICSI and from there we’ll see how embryo’s develop to decide whether we do a day 3 or day 5 transfer.

Cliff was also worried that perhaps his sperm is the issue at play here, and although all looks great on paper our FS said that often sperm looks wonderful on paper but there might be an underlying issue with it.  In order to cross this off the list we are going to do two things relating to sperm.  The first one is a relatively new procedure called HPA testing which will determine if his sperm have mature DNA or not.  The second thing we’re going to do depends on how many eggs we retrieve.  If we get 12 eggs or more (we’re definitely going to shoot for 12 and stim me a little more aggressively to try to get them) we’ll do a diagnostic donor sperm cross over comparison.  So we’ll take 2 or 3 eggs and use donor sperm on those and let the rest be fertilized by Cliff’s sperm and see the comparisons in the embies.  The theory is if there is an underlying issue with Cliff’s sperm this is where we may see it come through.  Personally though I don’t believe that there is an issue with sperm in our case.  Cliff’s samples have always been good and I don’t see that being an issue, but we’re doing it anyway just to ensure we’ve crossed it off the list of possibilities.

I brought up donor eggs and he categorically said that he would not take that course of action at all yet.  Our embryo’s have always looked really good and of course there was that chemical pregnancy which leads us to believe that there is still hope for us to conceive with our own genetic material.

Our wonderful FS also said that the challenge with our case was that there were no clear indicators for solution.  It was not a cut and dried case of saying “ok donor eggs are the way forward” or “donor sperm is the way forward” or “your uterus is too damaged you need to look at surrogacy”  and so on and so so forth. 

So that’s it.  The POA.

We’re taking a break from ttc though for quite a while.  We’re both exhausted by this journey now.  I need to take some time to re-connect with my husband, deal with my father’s passing away properly, and to just live my life a little.  Cliff needs some time to re-connect with his wife and to just live his life a little.  We’re going to start exercising together and will be getting ourselves back on track with a healthier lifestyle again.  We’ll go away for a couple of long weekends to just chill together. 

And actually I’m quite looking forward to that.

It went well

Driving to the clinic last Saturday I looked out of the car window and was just thinking about what we were about to do.  Cliff has his sample in his pocket and he was ready, I was ready.  I was silently praying to God that He be with us during the procedure that that His will be done in this cycle (and praying that His will was a positive outcome of course).  A song started playing on the car radio which brought tears to my eyes.  It’s called “This is your moment” and the words really touched a cord with me and the prayer I had just prayed.

It was a quiet day at the theatre – only one other GIFT patient and one ER patient.  Our doctor is just amazing.  It was not his weekend to work in the theatre but he made sure to come past on Saturday morning to ensure that I was good and to check my bloods one last time to make the final decision as to how many eggs to put back.  Then I waited for the other GIFT patient to get done and dusted and it was my turn to be wheeled into the theatre.  The doctor who did my procedure was also just as wonderful as my treating doctor is.  He held my hand and stroked my arm and when I said that from one lefty to another I knew I was in good hands he told me that we would work some lefty magic that day.  And out I went.

My body worked to it’s usual trend.  We got a total of 9 eggs this time.  From my excellent stim this time round I was expecting a few more but had told myself to be happy with 9 – by body has been producing one less egg per fresh treatment we’ve done and I knew that I should work towards this trend.  So 9 eggs it was.  We put the best 5 eggs and fresh good sperm back into my left fallopian tube.  After the procedure Lawrence came to chat to me and said it had all gone very well.  The eggs looked good as did the sperm.  He wished us all the best and made sure that we knew that the 4 left over that would be IVF’ed were not the priority in this treatment.  The priority were the 5 eggs that were put back where they belonged and where it was most natural for them to be.

I battled with a lot of shoulder and chest pain from the gas over the weekend and really only just got rid of the last vestiges of the gas today.

I had my second intralipid drip on Monday and again I sat next to a girl who was having her third drip because she had just found out she was pregnant.  On Monday I checked up on our 4 left over eggs and found out that of the 4 only 3 had fertilized on Sunday but by Monday none of them had made it.  Now I would not be human if I did not admit that the fact that none of our embies made it has made me a little nervous.  What if none of the eggs inside me fertilized and made it either?  I know I should not be thinking this way and it’s best for the eggs to be inside my body as opposed to to an unnatural environment like a laboratory but what if?  I’m hoping that my Mom was right when she said that we would not need those 3 little embies cos this GIFT was going to work.

I know that techinically I should not be feeling anything right now cos realistically if this was IVF my embies would only be transferred tomorrow and implantation would only be taking place on Friday or Saturday if it is going to take place.

I think the hardest part of having a GIFT is the uncertainty of it all.  You have NO idea if your eggs fertilized.  You have NO idea if they did fertilize if your embryo’s are still growing and flourishing.  You’re knocked out when the action happens and all you seem to have to show for it is gas related pain and a grotesque belly button – well at least my belly button looks grotesque after 4 lap cuts into it… *sigh*

And the worst part about having a GIFT as opposed to IVF is that the wait to test day is not a 2ww – it’s an 18 day wait!  Pure unadulterated torture! I’m doing my best to stay positive and to believe that this one could be THE one, but I’m battling.  I’m doing my best to believe that God knows what He’s doing, but I’m battling.  I honestly don’t think I have the strength left in me to do this again if this is not the one that gives us a positive beta and healthy pregnancy.

But only time will tell.  In the mean time I guess I’ll try to keep myself busy and just get myself through one day at a time and see how it goes when we test.  I’m still hoping despite my battles against the negativity in my head that I’ll have good news to share with my Dad when we send him off on the 06th March.  Please God let this be the one, I’m begging you.

One of *Those* Women

We’re expecting to start with our GIFT this week.

I’m excited at the possibility that this treatment offers us.  What if it’s the one that works?  I’m scared of the heartbreak this treatment can also offer us.  What if it’s not the one?  I just cannot bear to think of having a negative outcome for the fifth time.

I remember when we first started trying to have a baby, well more when we first started seeking treatment cos it was obvious that nothing was happening “naturally”, I remember sitting in the waiting room at a fertility clinic talking to some of the girls who were brave enough to do so and hearing some of their stories.  I remember hearing stories of great hope “my first IUI worked and I’m now here for my second child”, “I got pregnant first time with a timed cycle”, “I’m now pregnant after only a few cycles”.

But I also heard a lot of stories that struck complete and utter fear in my heart.  “I’ve been told I’ll never have my own child, my eggs are vrot”, “I’m busy with my third/fourth/fifth/sixth/seventh/eighth/ninth IVF”, “I’ve been trying for number one for 10 years with no success”, “I’ve had several miscarriages and no one can tell me why”.

Stories of hope and stories of fear and hurt and pain, I’ve heard many of both in the last six years.  But I remember my young nieve self sitting there in those early days and it shames me to admit that I used to go home and pray to God that I would not end up being one of *those* women.  The ones who had to endure years and years of this nonsense, the ones who had to do IVF after IVF after IVF.

And now six years later I’m facing big ART treatment number five.  After having gone through many a headstand after sex, many a timed cycle, many an AI and many an IUI, Chinese remedies, acupuncture, reflexology, light therapies, reiki and so on and so forth.  The list of what we’ve tried in order to have ttc succes is endless.

I AM one of *those* women.

At times I don’t know how that makes me feel.  To know that I’ve become the very thing I prayed to God I would not be.

The fear of being one of *those* women does not stay within the walls of one’s clinic though.  The fear clings to you as you walk out and real life friends feel the fear as well.  They look at you with pity in their eyes and avoid talking about their own children and pregnancies for fear that by being around you; they might also become one of *those* women.  They think it’s better to hide a pregnancy from you, they think it’s easier for you to handle if they only tell you about their pregnancies when they are 5 – 6 months into them and they cannot hide them any longer.  They tell you that they just could not bear to break your heart cos they have what you desire.  They pity you and actually say things like “I think of how we could have been like you and it scares me to death”.  It’s those actions and words that break your heart, not the fact that they have life blossoming in their bellies.  (Yes it still stings to hear a pregnancy announcement but for the record, having been on this road for six years means that I’m not going to go all banshi on your ass.  Suprisingly enough I can control my emotions, mostly cos they’ve been dulled and severed, but they are controlled.)

In many ways the last six years have taught me more than I could ever have imagined.  They have taught me empathy, strength, compassion, patience (admittedly not very well).  They’ve taught me about a community that embraces those who belong to it tightly in good times and even tighter in tough times.  They’ve taught me that I am loved in more ways than I ever knew.  They’ve taught me that whilst things have often been tough for us and infertility has been the cause of many a fight about sex and money, that I’ve been given the best partner I could ever hope for to go through this with.

I see the way the other girls at the clinic look at me now.  The newbies who’ve come to recognise my face cos I always seem to be around every few months.  They avoid me cos I am now what they fear.  I am the proof that their dreams may not quite work out the way they think they may.

I know that without a shadow of a doubt that I am well and truly one of *those* women. And today I am proud of being this woman.

Erm, oh Hi! Look it’s 2010

I’ve been totally avoiding my blog of late.  I’ve just not been inspired to write anything really.

Since my last pitiful post, life has gone on and we’ve got ourselves through the Festive season.  People warned me about doing a treatment cycle just before Christmas – pretty much everyone I know told me to avoid a Christmas cycle cos if it did not work it would be extra hard to get through.  I thought it would be just like any other failed cycle – I mean they all suck right?  They’re all hard to “get over”.  But oh my hat, Christmas was VERY hard this year.  It should have been a time of celebration and joy at the news that we were finally “up the spout” with sprog and instead I found it was a time of forced smiles and curried joy so as not to put a damper on everyone elses Festive spirit.  Christmas Eve was spent with the Young’s and Christmas day was spent with the Curley clan – cousins aunts and uncles and all.

I worked right through the season (admittedly not very hard but worked none the less) and managed to lose 7 kg’s and keep this weight loss consistent.  Saying no to those added treats over this season is not as hard as one thinks. (I think being sadder than normal helps)

Cliff and I spent a very quiet New Years Eve at home with our hounds.  We drank lots of champers (no where to drive and certainly no reason not to) and had a braai on our patio.

Just before the clock turned we put the tunes on full blast had a little dance in the lounge,

blew our vuvuzela in preparation for the FIFA 2010 World Cup being hosted in our country this year

and has a quick snog at midnight.  Cliff went to bed and I stayed up drinking champers and watching movies.  And so started our year.

2010.  Sjoe, who would have thought it would get here as quickly as it did?
As we face our 5th ART treatment pretty much around the corner, I’ll not start this year like I always do and state this this year WILL be our year.  What I will say is that I pray that each and every person who reads here gets blessed in ways they never thought possible and that all their hopes and dreams be fulfilled.  I pray that each and every person who reads here has peace and joy in their hearts and that life for each and every one of you is healthy, wealthy and just damn fine.

Here’s to a great 2010 – in whatever shape or form that happens to manifest itself.

Not a Christmas G.I.F.T

I did not quite get the gift I was hoping for this Christmas but it seems it’s going to be a G.I.F.T of another kind in 2010.

We met with my lovely FS yesterday afternoon and went through the cycle and then discussed our options. 

Our FS was very upfront about the fact that we’ve done every test under the sun, we’ve pretty much done everything and tested everything that we can to pinpoint any underlying issues as to why we keep having no success.   There is technically nothing wrong (well aside from my PCOS but that is controlled in this process) and no indicators for why we keep getting shit news.  Clearly our options are slowly but surely running out.

He feels that we’d be beating our heads against the same brick wall by trying another IVF with Intralipids and expect a different result.  We’ve been down the fresh IVF road three times.  It’s clearly not working for us.  No matter how ballsy we are with the number of embies we put back.

While he was pleased to see that we’ve finally had some measure of success by way of the chemical pregnancy, he felt that we needed to look at other options.  He stated that the fact we had achieved a chemical pregnancy bodes well for our future chances and that from a FS perspective he now knows that he does not need to necessarily worry overmuch about the uterus being the issue.  Clearly it can handle implantation.  Implantation *can* happen in my uterus which previously had been a very grey area for us and a huge cause for concern.

So. 

That leaves GIFT.  Both he and his partner feel that we need to do GIFT simply cos by doing this treatment the eggs are in the ideal environment.  Our fertilization rate has always been between 80 – 85% so they are not worried that we are at any risk of not having fertilization occur in the tubes.  The hope is that by putting the eggs and sperm in the “ideal” environment we end up with that viable embryo implanting and sticking this time round.  We’ll combine the GIFT with the intralipids again as well. 

I asked about ectopic statistics and was pleasantly surprised to hear that they are less than 1% at my clinic with this treatment.

The question was as to how many eggs to put back.  Our fert rate is good and in light of the fact that we now know embies can implant in my uterus they would like to er on the side of caution.  Right now they’re saying 4 – 5 eggs.  But obviously we’ll look at it closer to the time and see how we go.

Having chatted to a few friends who have had chemical pregnancies and who went onto having successful pregnancies with live births the very next treatment I found that most had waited a maximum of two months to try again.  I talked to my FS about the possibility of the uterus having some form of muscle memory whereby it may perhaps remember being pregnant and that being the reason why many friends had success so soon after a chemical.  As usual there is no scientific proof to support this but he did not pooh-pooh my theory right off the bat.

Time wise my FS will not do another treatment in less than 60 days.  He feels we need to give my body time to recover and also for our hearts to heal emotionally.  So we’re probably looking at late January or early February 2010.

I’m praying and hoping that the GIFT we do ends up being the GIFT that keeps on giving right up until a live birth late next year…

On another subject all together, I am often amazed how our hearts can handle so many conflicting emotions at once.  While my heart is breaking for myself due to personal issues that are happening in my life right now, my heart explodes with joy at Sharon’s news and the fact that a good friend got a strong healthy beta with IVF #2 this morning.  Our capacity for feeling is truly a wonderful thing. 

It will never cease to amaze me.

How we roll…

The emotions are rolling. 

From sadness, to anger, to dispair, to hope, to holycraphowcouldthishavehappenedtousagain, to sadness, to hope and so we roll on and on and on.

Sometimes this really just feels like someone is playing an incredibly cruel joke on us.  It feels like the results were not chemical but actually good.

I suppose I should have known.  I believed with all my heart that I was pregnant and that IVF # 3 (or 4 if you count FET’s which I don’t) was going to be THE one.  And to a small degree I was right.  I was just not right enough. 

I had an extremely weird dream on Friday morning.  I dreamt we were going in for our beta.  We walked into a busy gym and Stephan met us at the door and told me to hop onto the treadmill get my my veins ready for the beta.  I ran on the treadmill for 5 minutes and then hopped onto the dildo cam bed and I saw in his face it was over…. I woke up and then you all know how the rest of the day panned out… Surreal.  Clearly my subconscious was telling me this was not the one.

We’re meeting the FS later today to discuss our options.  We’re going to discuss a lot with him – most of all GIFT.

Looking at the silver lining in all of this – at least we got one step closer this time.  At least not all hope is lost.  At least we still have each other.  At least we are alive to stand another day. 

Many prayers that I’ve said for others have been answered.  One HUGE one just today.  And one day, one day our prayers for ourselves (and those of you who pray for us too – thank you so much) will be answered too.

Grateful

It’s now CD 29. 

I’m still not bleeding.  Thank God. 

And while I have to admit that I’m a bit of an emotional nutcase right now , swinging from hope and belief one moment to fear and disbelief the next, one thing I can honestly say I feel right now is GRATEFUL.

For so many things. 

For the fact that we’ve come this far in a treatment cycle.  For the fact we could afford a fourth treatment at all.  For all the pass/fail points that we’ve been lucky enough to sail through during this cycle.  For my wonderful family who have been with us every step of the way even though they’ve not always understood the process.  For my Rock and Saviour who has given me a sense of calm and peace during this time.  For His Grace and mercy.

And for you.  Each and every one of you who has left a comment on this blog during my cycle, who have thought of us and who have prayed for us.  You are all wonderful amazing people who I hope (if I have not already done so) I will one day get to meet in real life.

Tomorrow is Beta day. 

I’m excited, hopeful, optimistic.  I’m scared, anxious, fearful.  But mostly I’m hoping that the miracle Cliff and I have been believing in will come true.  Cos that’s all we can do. 

I’ll update with results as soon as I can.