Chemical

I started the day with a good cuddle from my wonderful husband. 

It went downhill from there.

We decided that I would poas just to prepare ourselves for what the blood test would bring (we were sure we were going to see two lines).  We did two tests.  Both were negative.  We were gobsmacked.  We were NOT expecting that, not with the “symptoms” I’d been experiencing the last two weeks.  Maybe there was still hope.  Maybe  I would end up being one of those freaky women who just never get positive home pregnancy results.  We cried.  And prepared our hearts for a negative beta.

We drove to the clinic, had my blood drawn and took my barcode up to the co-ordinators.  I told them I thought it was negative and they asked why.  I told them about those darn pee sticks.  We left.  We got a call from my FS at 08h13.  And what he said literally knocked the wind out my sails.  I was expecting my usual flat beta of zero.

My beta is 14.9.  Fucking 14.9.  A chemical completely non viable pregnancy.  We’re so pissed off.  We’re so hurt.  We’re so fucking confused.  As my wonderful FS said it’s cold comfort to know that for once my body managed to start implantation.  And then it just stopped.  This hurts, A LOT.

We are naturally gutted. 

But on the one hand we are grateful to have got through a 2ww with no bleeding.  I am grateful to know that my body is not as fucked up as I thought it was when I looked at those one lined HPT’s this morning.  My instinct that something was happening inside my womb was not wrong.  My bodies signs to me were not wrong.  They were just not strong enough.  Not viable enough.

And while my head knows it’s a good thing that we finally had a chemical reaction between our embryo and my endometrial lining my heart is bleeding.  My heart longs for what this should have been.  And my heart cries for the injustice of this situation.

Thank you to everyone for your love, support and prayers for us during this time.  It really means so much.

The Inevitable

The question rose it’s ugly head. 

Do I or don’t I pee on a stick?  Now if you know me at all you know that I’m really anti POAS.  They mess with your head in ways that you can never imagine.  Or if you’ve ever fished a still wet pee stick out the bin or pulled the thing apart in an effort to see the second bloody line, it messes with your head in ways you can well imagine.

On the flip side I suppose if I was ever blessed enough to pee on the variety which automatically comes up singing with a bling, bling second line before the pee gets all the way across the test window (need to figure out where on earth to buy this kind, they do sound kind of nice),  I would be the type of person who DOES advocate a good old POAS.

So, the conundrum lurks in the back of my mind. 

Do I or don’t I?  The thing is this, my history has always been to start bleeding early after a treatment.  Whilst my body will not conform to a “normal” 28 day cycle on it’s own, it does a damn good job of conforming to the norm when I’ve had a stimmed cycle.  Previously I’ve always bled on or before CD28. 

For us, while we are still believing in this IVF, and we still think that this could very well be THE ONE that yields that elusive BFP, our main focus right now is to get past the point of previous bleeds.  That day my friends is next week Wednesday. 

At that point we migth start playing POAS ball.  Cos next week Wednesday is ONLY two days before my scheduled beta.  And honestly I really don’t see the point in peeing on a stick a mere two days before a blood test.  I *might* (and this is an extremely tentative might) POAS on the morning of the beta, just to prepare myself (and Cliff) for what the outcome might be.

And that dear hearts is the long and short of it.

Week One = Just about Squashed

It’s Friday. 

Which means that I’m just about one week through the aweful two week wait.  I’ve been trying to keep myself busy so that I can keep my mind off what is supposed to have been happening inside my uterus.  Some days this week I’ve actually managed too

Other days not so much.

But overall I’ve handled well, I still have hope that this is it and I believe in the miracle that could well have taken place.  I bought a pressie for my friend yesterday (we found out she is having a son and a daughter – perfect pigeon pair).  Cute little clothes for her munchkins.  And I could not help myself, I had to buy one or two or five for the baby(s) that might be growing in my belly as I type this.

Will I feel stupid if this ends up unravelling?  Sure.  I’ll pack up those one or two or five outfits in the baby box hiding at the bottom of the cupboard along with all the other baby stuff I’ve collected over the years.  And my heart will be sore.

But right now, I’ve believed enough to buy them, I need to believe I’ll get to use them.

Heading into the second week of the two week wait is not easy, but as long as I manage to keep myself busy and not too obsessed, I think we’ll be fine.

Double Digits

Egg retrieval went smoothly.  I love dormican and pethadine.  You come out of sedation so nicely…

We ten eggs out.  Ten.  A good solid double digit.  I must admit that I was expecting more considering the reactions of the doctors throughout my scans  leading up to the ER but I am SO, SO happy and grateful for the 10 wonderful eggs that we have got.

I had my second dose of intralipid drip directly after the ER, and it went very quickly.  The super hero vein did it’s  job well and my drip was done and dusted in just under an hour and a half.  I also had my very first gestone progesterone shot.  It was not too bad, although the injection site is now a little tender to the touch.  I got a really good tip from one of the IVF nurses, she said to rub my butt constantly to ensure that the oil gets distributed nicely through the muscle fibres.  Cliff’s gonna have a go at doing my jabs – so please send him lots of “good jab” vibes   I’ll also be sticking estroderm patches onto my abdomen from tomorrow and taking estrofem tablets twice a day as well.

We came home and I had a nice snooze (the weather is aweful today so bed just seemed like the right place to be anyway) and now am up and about and feeling pretty good about the whole thing.

Now we just wait until tomorrow, when we find out how many of our eggs fertilized.  This to me is always the most “tenterhook” part of any IVF treatment, I mean you have so many pass/fail points along the way but the time between your ER and waiting to find out how many fertilized is a special kind of torture.

Come on eggies!  Fertilize and grow nicely for Mom and Dad now…

On the Eve of ER

I sit here and I allow myself the excitement.  I deny any feelings of anxiety or fear.  I focus on the good, the blessings I have in my life. 

My wonderful husband, my wonderful family and my wonderful friends (both in RL and in Blogland).  My home, my dogs.

Tomorrow I’ll lay these eggs and be on our way to achieving our dream…

Already?

Sjoe, it’s been a whirlwind two days.

Yesterday’s scan revealed all my follies growing nicely sitting at between 15 and 16+ mm (he measured about 4 per ovary) and told me that there is a “decent” second cohort growing on each side as well.  He told me to keep the water flowing freely and asked if I was feeling fine.  I said yes,  a little uncomfy but just fine thanks.  Then he dropped the E2 bomb on me – my E2 on Friday was 7000.  That me dears is high.  So he sent me off to the vampires lab to have another E2 done and told me he would call with further instructions once the results were in.  E2 yesterday had climbed to 11 500 odd – holy cow!  So I had 1 x amp of menopur and 1 x cetrotide for the day.

I then spent the day at The Rhema children’s Village in town.  What a great day.  This home started nearly 20 years ago as a small shelter where homeless kids could sleep for the night and have  a meal.  It is now a registered home which hosts up to 75 children at a time.  The kids were amazing and I sat on my knee’s and weeded the gardens with them.  When it came time to have a tour the kids were SO proud of their home and their rooms and what they are making of themselves, they showed us their report cards from school and were such well-mannered, well-adjusted kids that my heart and soul were both totally restored.  I’m definitely getting more involved there in future.  I loved my time there and of course the bear hugs I got from the kids just were the cherry on the top of an amazing day.

Then off this am to the clinic again for yet another early morning scan.  Lawrence scanned me (he was The Lone Ranger today – Stephan is doing the 94.7) and actually called me a chicken.  Asked me if I was clucking when I talked.  He’s such a card – what a honey!  He said I had “plench” of follies and that they were all doing well.  They are sitting at 18+mm today.  I’ve had another E2 and Progesterone blood test done this am and that means it’s time…

TRIGGER TIME!  I’m triggering with lucrin, so need to take 40ml at 20h00 tonight and then another 40ml tomorrow morning at 08h00.  ER is set for Tuesday morning at 08h00.  Interestingly, Lawrence told me that when they trigger girls (mostly PCOS patients) with lucrin it is way more “natural” than triggering with ovidrel or pregnal etc.  This helps them combat the dreaded over stim (OHSS).  So, as much as I still need to drink water like there is no tomorrow, we’re hopeful that the lucrin trigger will also keep the OHSS at bay…

Holy smokes y’all!  I cannot believe that it’s ER time already.  This cycle has literally flown and I just can’t believe it.  But I’m still feeling good.  I’m still positive that this one is going to be THE one.

What a ride it’s been up till now!

Scan Update

Follies growing as they should – I have about 6 – 8 follies on the LHS and about 4 – 5 on the RHS (see lefties are over achievers ) all sitting at between 12+ and 13+ mm and my lining is (I have to say it myself) super at 10.5mm so all is moving along as expected.  Had 2 amps of menopur and 1/2 cetrotide today as well.

I am feeling my ovaries a lot more this time round – lots of aching and they get sore if I sneeze or cough, but I’m not complaining at all.  At least this way I know they are doing something.  And oh my hat, can a vet get excited about EWCM?  I don’t normally see this phenonmenan ever (thanks PCOS) so for me to have an abundance of the stuff is a HUGE deal. 

Other than that, still feeling all fine on the meds – no mood swings or funny business.  I just have to say that drinking 4.5 litres of water daily leads to a sad fact that you visit the loo A LOT… but if it helps keep the OHSS at bay (or lessen the symptoms of it if I do end up getting it) I’ll drink the ocean if I have to…

Scan again tomorrow!

Follie Gosh!

So the scan this morning was good

My lining is at 8.4mm and we have follies.  Lots and lots of follies.  Probably around 6 – 8 per ovary all at 11+mm.  I administered 2 amps of menopur and 1/2 a cetrotide today, will have 2 amps menopur & a full cetrotide tomorrow and have been told to up the fluid intake to a minimum of 4 litres per day to try and combat the ever lurking OHSS…

So I’m happy cos clearly my PCOS ovaries are responding well to the stim and my lining is looking really good this early in the game. 

I scan again on Friday morning.

Relaxed Enough to Talk About Names

We had dinner with my family over this past weekend.  We were all talking about how wonderful it will be when this IVF works and what our plans would be to find out the baby(s) sex etc.

My Mom asked if we’d been thinking about names. (And I did not even freak out at her about jinxing stuff, see keeping all zen and calm on this one!)  Cliff pipes up and says if it’s twins we’ll name them “At last” and “Finally”.  

So there you have them.  The names of our one day babies.  At last. Finally.

Jumbled Up

My emotions are jumbled up.  BIG time.  I’m incredibly sad.  I’m angry.  I’m hurt.  I’m scared.  I’m hopeful.  I’m confused.  I’m anxious.  I’m excited.  And many others that I’m battling to articulate right now.

Sharon’s miscarriage has really sucker punched me.  I’ve always made no bones about the fact that I love God and that I pray to Him.  When Martiza was going through her GIFT, I prayed for her and Jerry often.  And I got a sense of peace and love when I prayed for them.  I *knew* it was going to be a successful treatment for them.  I just knew.  Then came Shaz’s turn.  I got that same feeling of peace and love when I prayed for her and W.  So in turn I *knew* her FET was going to be positive too. 

Then she got her positive test, I changed my prayers for her and W.  I changed them to prayers for a healthy full term pregnancy.  I felt peace for them.  And I felt like this was the one that would go all the way.  I just thanked Him for answering so many of our prayers and thanked Him for the baby that would be testament to His Grace.  And I have to say that I am SO shaken that my feelings were so wrong.  How could I have misread the feelings I felt I was getting from the Holy Spirit?  Was I just so eager for it to be what I wanted that I was fabricating those feelings?

Then I have to admit that  we’ve decided to move ahead with our next fresh IVF in November.  We based this decision on a couple of things.  Number 1, that there is no good time to head into treatment.  There will always be *something* to hold you back.  Number 2, Cliff wanted to do it sooner rather than wait.  This man has done enough stuff over the last 5 years for me when I wanted them that I could not deny him this (and in my heart of hearts I wanted to move ahead too so it was kinda a no brainer but anyway) and Number 3 that when I prayed about this decision I got a sense of calm and peace about moving ahead with this treatment in November.  The worry is creeping in cos now it seems like my discernment of the peace and calm might not be as spot on as I thought it was.  I might have forced myself to think I was feeling it cos I wanted to feel it.  The thing is I still feel it when I pray about it now.  So now I’m confused.  But excited and hopeful too.  See?  All jumbled up.

I’m trying so hard to not let the fear that is stemming from the hurt I feel for my friend overwhelm me.  I need to get my head right.  I need to get into the place where I can allow my hope and faith to open my body up to the possiblity that I can be on the receiving end of this miracle.  Its hard.  But I’m trying.