What to say about 2011?

We’re already 5 days into 2012 and each time I sit in front of my laptop and start to put fingers to keyboard to do my 2011 round-up post, I find that words start to fail me.

Because what do I say about 2011?

Whilst the year as a whole came with many ups and downs - ups which were super high and downs which were super low, I cannot say that it was the best year of my life.  And yet the year, 2011, contained the most amazing day of my life to date.

On the 03rd of June 2011 I was blessed with the most amazing gift ever – my son Kade Ethan entered my life the way he continues to fulfill it – with wonder and surprise.  He has healed me in ways that I didn’t even realise I was broken.  He has healed my husband in ways I didn’t realise *he* was broken.  And he is a shining light  to all that share our lives.  I love him more than my heart can handle and he is teaching me to love life’s smallest treasures again.

I’ve been honored to share in the births of many other such gifts and to see the healing that they have brought to their respective families.  I’ve been blessed to share in my close friend’s pregnancy and to see the healing her pregnancy has brought her and her family.  So much joy has filled the days of 2011.

But there has also been sadness, hurt and anger.  Trials and tribulations that family and friends have had to face and conquer.  I am so proud that I am connected to a wealth of people who in the face of adversity, find the strength to let the sadness knock them down and once they’ve allowed that sadness to keep them down for long enough, to extend the middle finger and triumph over that adversity.  You know who you are, and you inspire me.

I have grown so much as a person in 2011.  I realised that I could give of myself responsibly and still be a good friend and family member.  That  allowing myself to put myself first does NOT make me a bad person.  Just the opposite in fact – it makes me a better one.  I’ve realised that letting go of toxicity is the best thing I can do for myself and for those around me.

I’ve fallen more in love with my body than I’ve been in a long time and have let go of plenty of past hurts.  I’m free-er than I used to be.  That’s not to say that I don’t still have a lot to work on cos I sure do, but I hope to continue in 2012 in the manner in which I started in 2011.  I have some goals I have set myself and I will be doing my best to achieve them.  One little step at a time.

I have high hopes for 2012, that my learning will continue as I draw closer to God and explore the structure that is my family.  Here’s to an amazing 2012 my friends.

May it bring all of you the desires of your hearts and the happiness you deserve!

One of *Those* Women

We’re expecting to start with our GIFT this week.

I’m excited at the possibility that this treatment offers us.  What if it’s the one that works?  I’m scared of the heartbreak this treatment can also offer us.  What if it’s not the one?  I just cannot bear to think of having a negative outcome for the fifth time.

I remember when we first started trying to have a baby, well more when we first started seeking treatment cos it was obvious that nothing was happening “naturally”, I remember sitting in the waiting room at a fertility clinic talking to some of the girls who were brave enough to do so and hearing some of their stories.  I remember hearing stories of great hope “my first IUI worked and I’m now here for my second child”, “I got pregnant first time with a timed cycle”, “I’m now pregnant after only a few cycles”.

But I also heard a lot of stories that struck complete and utter fear in my heart.  “I’ve been told I’ll never have my own child, my eggs are vrot”, “I’m busy with my third/fourth/fifth/sixth/seventh/eighth/ninth IVF”, “I’ve been trying for number one for 10 years with no success”, “I’ve had several miscarriages and no one can tell me why”.

Stories of hope and stories of fear and hurt and pain, I’ve heard many of both in the last six years.  But I remember my young nieve self sitting there in those early days and it shames me to admit that I used to go home and pray to God that I would not end up being one of *those* women.  The ones who had to endure years and years of this nonsense, the ones who had to do IVF after IVF after IVF.

And now six years later I’m facing big ART treatment number five.  After having gone through many a headstand after sex, many a timed cycle, many an AI and many an IUI, Chinese remedies, acupuncture, reflexology, light therapies, reiki and so on and so forth.  The list of what we’ve tried in order to have ttc succes is endless.

I AM one of *those* women.

At times I don’t know how that makes me feel.  To know that I’ve become the very thing I prayed to God I would not be.

The fear of being one of *those* women does not stay within the walls of one’s clinic though.  The fear clings to you as you walk out and real life friends feel the fear as well.  They look at you with pity in their eyes and avoid talking about their own children and pregnancies for fear that by being around you; they might also become one of *those* women.  They think it’s better to hide a pregnancy from you, they think it’s easier for you to handle if they only tell you about their pregnancies when they are 5 – 6 months into them and they cannot hide them any longer.  They tell you that they just could not bear to break your heart cos they have what you desire.  They pity you and actually say things like “I think of how we could have been like you and it scares me to death”.  It’s those actions and words that break your heart, not the fact that they have life blossoming in their bellies.  (Yes it still stings to hear a pregnancy announcement but for the record, having been on this road for six years means that I’m not going to go all banshi on your ass.  Suprisingly enough I can control my emotions, mostly cos they’ve been dulled and severed, but they are controlled.)

In many ways the last six years have taught me more than I could ever have imagined.  They have taught me empathy, strength, compassion, patience (admittedly not very well).  They’ve taught me about a community that embraces those who belong to it tightly in good times and even tighter in tough times.  They’ve taught me that I am loved in more ways than I ever knew.  They’ve taught me that whilst things have often been tough for us and infertility has been the cause of many a fight about sex and money, that I’ve been given the best partner I could ever hope for to go through this with.

I see the way the other girls at the clinic look at me now.  The newbies who’ve come to recognise my face cos I always seem to be around every few months.  They avoid me cos I am now what they fear.  I am the proof that their dreams may not quite work out the way they think they may.

I know that without a shadow of a doubt that I am well and truly one of *those* women. And today I am proud of being this woman.

Fab Four

This is the day that the Lord made, a day SO filled with hope and love.  This is also the day that we transfered our Fab Four back to the mothership.  I’m so overwhelmed and grateful to have got to this stage again.  Now all we can do is continue praying, hoping and believeing that this will be IT.

I always get emotional when we see our embies on the screen.  The clinic was BUSY this morning – lots of ladies in for mid cycle scanning and we got to see the doc to discuss our babies at around 08h30 or so.  We had a look at them – all 7 still around, still holding all our hope in the midst of their cells.  We had 1 very fragmented embie and 4 early blasts and 2 compacting embies as at 07h00 this am.  Funnily enough our little Limpy had made it all the way to compacting embryo this morning – just goes to show that one can never under estimate your embryo’s.  Each and every one of them has the potential to become the child you long for.  It’s going to sound weird, but I was oddly proud of our little Limpy – he had overcome the odds and lived to fight another 2 days.

I filled my bladder and then we made our way down to the surgical wing for transfer.  We had the whole suite to ourselves – was nice cos we got extra special love and care from our divine FS and the nursing sister and the embryologist.  Lying on the bed, I could not help but project to the day I would finally be holding a baby in my arms.  We transfered 3 x early blasts and 1 x compacting embryo.  (Unfortunatley Limpy did not make it to transfer, and you might ask why we never transfered the 4 early blasts, the embryologist felt that the one compacting was better quality than the 4th early blast) For now they are snug as bugs in rugs.  And I’m already in love with what they could be.

Miracle Aha Moment!

I’ve had this on my mind for a while now.  I know that there are many people out there who believe that as Christian’s you should not seek out the help of ART.  That you should pray harder, practice more faith and just believe that God is going to bless you with children in His time.

I know that God’s time is perfect.  I know that He wants what is best for me.  I know that He loves me above and beyond my wildest imaginings.  And I know that through this journey of infertility He is shaping me, testing me, guiding me and moulding me.  Sometimes in ways I cannot fathom.

I was thinking a lot of how miracles happen all the time and how I was hoping that this time, the miracle would happen to us.  I was wondering if we were doing the right thing by moving ahead with our third fresh IVF.  During a conversation with a friend who is going through a tough time, it hit me. A miracle aha moment.

When one thinks about the miracles that Jesus performed, He had to work with something first to make the miracle happen.  Think about it.  Water into wine.  Five loaves of bread and two fish to feed five thousand.  Friends who had enough faith to lower a cripple man through the roof to his feet, a woman with a blood issue to touch him etc. 

I’m the calmest I’ve ever been going into a treatment.  Even my freaky bleeding has not really phased me overmuch.  I think I’m finally at the point where I can honestly say that I’m letting go and letting God.  I’m working with the doctors at my clinic so that God has something to work with to complete a miracle in my life.  Our 3rd fresh IVF is the work that we need to put out there, so that He can breathe life into my womb.

I’m believing for our miracle.  In a calm and “given over to God” manner.  I have faith that this is going to be it.  May His will be done.

Jingle Bells, Christmas Smells…

…. Sam needs to run away, not a gift is in sight, maybe today! Hey!

Seriously though, I am at my MOST disorganised I have ever been at this time of year.  I *love* Christmas.  I love that it gives me a chance to celebrate the birth of my Saviour, I love that it gives me time to spend time with my family and friends, I love it!  BUT this year I have not been able to get my ass into gear – at all.  Here we sit – two (2!!!) measly days before the big event and I have not bought one (1!!!!) Christmas present.  *sigh* 

And as much as I know I *have* to get it done today or it’s tickets for me, I am *so* not in the mood.  At least I managed to get my a into g enough to put up the Christmas tree.  That’s gotta count for something right?

I was in a bummed mood yesterday as well.  Not something I allow myself to wallow in for long and today I’m feeling much better, but I have to share the wallow.  Every year a RL friend of mine has a Christmas braai.  Last year at the braai we met her friends Claire and Paul who had been battling to fall pregnant.  They had 2 rounds of clomid and at the braai were happily pregnant.  I remember sitting there thinking – next braai next year that will be *me*. 

But at the braai this year, Claire and Paul were bouncing their 5 month old baby boy on their knee’s and there Cliff and I sat, still no closer to our dream of having a baby.  It hit me like a stream train.  Yet another year lost.  Yet another year where my hopes and dreams were crushed.  Yet another Christmas wishing for a child to share it with.  Yet another party where we are the only childless couple.

But despite myself I still sat there thinking to myself – next year at the next braai – that will be me.

Best Laid Plans…

When I embarked on this FET journey, I had it all planned out. 

By my calculations I would have been just about half way through my 2ww today and would most likely be symptom obsessing even though I would furiously be reminding myself of the futility of that – Yeah right! Ha!  If my plans had worked out, I would already know if my popsicles survived the thaw, I would already know how many made it to transfer day, and I would be half way closer to knowing if the FET was my dream catcher….

As it happens my plans were a leetle out of kilter and I am only now moving towards the big thaw… I don’t really know why I’m obsessing over it as much as I am, except to say that I am champion obsessor… aaarrgghhh who’m I kidding?  I’m worried that the four popsicles won’t make it… I mean, in my heart of hearts I’m sure at least ONE of them will make it but I’m greedy, I want all four to make it and I want all four to grow and I want all four to transfer… that way I’ll stand more of a chance of at least one of them hanging around right?

I’m trying hard to keep level headed about this FET, but I’m really really really hoping it works for us.

Better…

Thank you so much for all the sweet words of love and comfort over the last few days.  
The Durbanville Hills and stunning flowers that Martiza dropped off were also just such a great comfort – thanks my friend!  Initially my first reaction to the BFN was to throw in the towel, I felt like I could not possibly get through another disappointment like this and I could not do this to my husband any more. (I was scared to see how deeply this BFN rocked him, I never want to be the cause of that much pain in his heart ever again).

But today I am feeling much better.  I am steadier and I feel stronger and am ready to meet with our doc to have a post mortem of the cycle so that we can analyse what we learnt about my body through the last cycle, and how we can use that information moving forward.  I am concerned that I only made it to 9DP3DT and will be discussing this with him in depth.  I really don’t want to bow out of the next race to early…  We have four on ice which is logically going to be our next step - I know that statistically FET’s are not as successful as fresh cycles but it seems like such a waste not to use them…and one never really knows does one?  Those frozen embies could very well be our children, who will drive us nuts and give us love and cuddles…

Anyway, once we have the meeting with our wonderful doc, I will update you all as to what the plan of action is, but either way we are going to take at least a month off.

It is my birthday next week Monday – the BIG 30!  I am having a dress up party so am going to throw myself into organising and sorting put all the final details this week.  I am getting myself back to gym and will be stricly following my dieticians eating plan from Monday onwards.  I figure that I should use this break to finally shake those last 3 kg’s that I have been battling to get rid of.

I must admit that I have been very angry with God the last few days.  I had hardened my heart against Him just could not wrap my mind around the fact that all went so well with our cycle and that He allowed it to end with a BFN.  But boy was I put in my place this morning at church… I know that I need to get my soul right with Him, to get over this set back. 

In my heart of hearts I know that everything happens for a reason, and the worst thing about it is that we very rarely get to know the reason until we are long past the challenge.  I need to be still in His presence and I need to keep my hope alive cos hope is the substance of our faith.  I have hope and I have faith. 

I will climb back on this horse and I will win the race.  Not this time round, but next time, maybe, just maybe it will be our turn.  And that my dear friends is what I am focusing on from now on.   That and losing those last blasted 3 kg’s…