Hehehe

This will probably only entertain me - but check out the picture I posted the other day of Cliff and I after THAT round of golf:

 

I play golf left handed cos well duh, I’m left handed – so due to this (for the non golfers in the crowd) I wear my glove on my right hand – check out how white my right hand looks after being in a glove the whole day while my other hand was catching a tan   You can actually see where my glove ended!!

AND – check out my right bicep!  Looks like I’ve been doing SE-RI-OUS gym work there!!!

Hehehehe!

Back to Life… Back to Reality….

*sigh*

Only one more day in paradise internets and then we’ll be packing the car, drugging the dogs with the new drugs which (please God) will keep our hounds under control in the car and be on our way home to the smoggy depths of Joburg…

We’ve had such a good time in Plett I loathe the idea of going home and going back to work – but it has to be done.  Cos like it or don’t like it work pays the bills and will ultimately pay for our next IVF…

So nearly time to drive home…

In the mean time let me regail you with some pic’s of our dogs enjoying their holiday as much as we have…

Oh and one of us after our disasterous round of golf on Monday!

Failure Meltdown…

On Monday we went to play golf at one of the most stunning golf courses in the Eastern Cape – Simola Golf Estate.  It is a Jack Nicklaus signature course and it is gorgeous.  The weather was perfect but sadly my swing seemed to have deserted me…

I was getting really angry and annoyed with myself, cos I would tee off well enough (some of my tee off’s were in fact those really cool “ping” shots that sounded sweet and went really far) but my second and third shots – well they sucked.  I was topping the ball most of the time and it would travel a measly 5 to 10 metres at a time.  The more annoyed I was getting the worse it seemed to get.  (Duh…)  For the life of me I could not hit a ball to save my life.

And then it hit – it bubbled up and out like hot lava – the failure melt down…

I freaked out and lamented to my poor husband (who was having a GREAT round) how much of a failure I was.  I could not hit a bloody golf ball, I could not find a job that satisfied and fulfilled me, I could not have a baby, I could not… I. Could. Not.  I wanted to cry and get the frustrations of the day out, but you guessed it, I even failed at leaking out those salty tears that remained steadfastly locked behind my eyelids.  I.  Could.  Not. 

Cliff could not understand why I felt like such a failure and told me that I’m too hard on myself and that I need to stop being so negative about myself.  The thing is that I know he’s right, but his telling me this felt like raw salt in my wounds.  I was irritating him and making his round of golf unpleasant with all my talk of monumental failure and that made me feel even more like a failure. (What a sucky wife I was – messing with his round on this amazing course which really is a once in a life time experience)

We finished our round of golf (mine not so good his excellent as usual) and we had a fight over rock shandy’s and lunch at the clubhouse.

The fact is that I feel like a monumental failure at pretty much everything in my life right now.  I am not happy with my job and I am struggling to fix that.  My marriage is hanging by a thread cos of infertility and it seems that I’m not doing such a good job at keeping that together.  I have not yet been able to have a child and create a family.  It seems like everywhere I’m turning right now I’m failing.  I know that I need to get my mind around this and be more positive about where I’m at, but right now I have to admit defeat and say that this is something I’m also failing at.

So the truth is just that, the failure meltdown happened.  And at the end of it all, I *still* felt like that failure that started it all…

Still stunned

I played golf on Sunday with my hubby and his brother in some seriously windy conditions.  Man alive, my poor little balls did not stand a chance against the might of the bluster of Mother Nature!  The boys still managed to put in a decent enough score despite the wind but what really has me stunned is the amazing blessing that Cliff and I got from his brother and his wife that day…

In as much as we are on a ttc break, we are still in the very real process of paying off IVF and FET # 1 and are also considering how we are going to pay for IVF # 2…  The good thing is that I pay my last car repayment in the month of October (yeeha!!) and whilst I at first had visions of going on a HUGE shopping spree with the addtional cash that would give me, I put on my “big girl panties” and thought about how that would really help us start up our IVF fund.  I am also trying to get myself a stand at a Christmas fare where I can sell my ceramics and add that cash to the IVF fund as well… but even with this extra cash coming in we’ll still be a few several thousand rands short when push comes to stimulation, and that shortfall was most likely going to have to come out of our mortgage.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m the person in our house who feels that money is just money and that we’ll end up paying it off in good time and it will be money well spent once we get our children, and that God will provide no matter what, but the fact is that I also have to be a mature adult about it and know that if we can save money elsewhere to plump up the fund, then that this is what needs to be done… BUT, I digress…

So at the halfway house during our windy golf game on Sunday while I was eating a boerewors roll that had clearly seen better days, my brother in law casually pipes up that when Cliff and I are ready for our next treatment that he and his wife would like to contibute some money, and that it in no way is it a loan and that one day we’ll be in the position to help someone else in the same way or they will need us to help them out and so on and so forth… well I immediately felt the tears rush to my eyelids and nearly choked on my road kill food when he told us how much they wanted to contribute. 

Suffice it to say that it is a really substantial amount of money and I am literally still stunned…

We had dinner with them on Sunday night and thanked them both profusely, but I am still at a complete loss as to how we are going to Thank them for this blessing that we have received.  I know that this is God providing for our needs next year and I am so overwhelmed with grattitude that I cannot express it well enough…

How would you thank them?

Stiff…

…are my arms and my ribs… aai ya yai!  Lactic acid is not my friend…

I played a round of golf yesterday for the first time since the beginning of April and my arms and ribs are protesting much better today… We played at Reading which is in Alberton in the South of Joburg.  What  a stunning course!  It was bitterly cold though, and it took a good four holes for my toes to defrost from the ice blocks that they had become.  We want to try and play there again in summer cos the course really was divine. 

Th best thing about our round yesterday?  I managed to hit over the water holes – three times!  I only lost ONE ball – that is really good for me as I normally have this HUGE mental issue challenge clearing the water on these holes, but yesterday, I did it, and I am SO chuffed with myself

On the friend front, I chickened out.  I just could not make the call to her this weekend.  I am planning on calling her on my way home from work today from the car, so will update you all once I have grown the balls mustered up the courage to call her.