The Internal Debate

The last week has really had it’s fair share of ups and downs, thankfully more ups than downs but when the downs have hit, man they’ve hit hard.

During the down times I’ve been doing the whole “why me” thing.  Why did we have to fall on the wrong side of the statistics AGAIN?  Why couldn’t my embies just have held on and gone all the way?  Why do we have to face our 5th big ART treatment in 3 years?  Why does it seem like God is answering everyone else’s prayers and is sidelining mine?  Pity party deluxe.  Makes me want to vomit.  And slap myself silly.

The thing is this.  I am extremely sad that our pregancy was a chemical one.  But I’m also excited that we managed that much.  Cos it’s a hell of a lot more than we’ve ever managed before.  And it DOES bode well for the future.  If it can happen once to have implantation take place it can sure as heck happen again and also may very well go all the way.

I was thinking about how good I’d felt through this last cycle.  About how everything felt like it was falling into place.  If I’m really honest, I knew for those few days that I was “pregnant” that I was “pregnant”.  I really felt the hand of God on me during the whole process.  And I’m understandably a bit confused as to how this could have turned out like this.  How He could have let me feel a little bit of the miracle only for it to not be completely fulfilled.

I thought back to what I had said in the beginning of the cycle.  “Let His will be done”.  I think I did a good job of standing on that statement throughout the treatment.  But now?  Now I’m wobbling on that statement, cos dudes, this “will” sucks.

I do still believe that our miracle is coming.  I just wish I could know the time frame I was looking at.  I know He loves me and I know He feels my pain.  I just really hope that next time round, He say’s Yes to the miracle that we’ve all been asking for.

Fab Four

This is the day that the Lord made, a day SO filled with hope and love.  This is also the day that we transfered our Fab Four back to the mothership.  I’m so overwhelmed and grateful to have got to this stage again.  Now all we can do is continue praying, hoping and believeing that this will be IT.

I always get emotional when we see our embies on the screen.  The clinic was BUSY this morning – lots of ladies in for mid cycle scanning and we got to see the doc to discuss our babies at around 08h30 or so.  We had a look at them – all 7 still around, still holding all our hope in the midst of their cells.  We had 1 very fragmented embie and 4 early blasts and 2 compacting embies as at 07h00 this am.  Funnily enough our little Limpy had made it all the way to compacting embryo this morning – just goes to show that one can never under estimate your embryo’s.  Each and every one of them has the potential to become the child you long for.  It’s going to sound weird, but I was oddly proud of our little Limpy – he had overcome the odds and lived to fight another 2 days.

I filled my bladder and then we made our way down to the surgical wing for transfer.  We had the whole suite to ourselves – was nice cos we got extra special love and care from our divine FS and the nursing sister and the embryologist.  Lying on the bed, I could not help but project to the day I would finally be holding a baby in my arms.  We transfered 3 x early blasts and 1 x compacting embryo.  (Unfortunatley Limpy did not make it to transfer, and you might ask why we never transfered the 4 early blasts, the embryologist felt that the one compacting was better quality than the 4th early blast) For now they are snug as bugs in rugs.  And I’m already in love with what they could be.

Miracle Aha Moment!

I’ve had this on my mind for a while now.  I know that there are many people out there who believe that as Christian’s you should not seek out the help of ART.  That you should pray harder, practice more faith and just believe that God is going to bless you with children in His time.

I know that God’s time is perfect.  I know that He wants what is best for me.  I know that He loves me above and beyond my wildest imaginings.  And I know that through this journey of infertility He is shaping me, testing me, guiding me and moulding me.  Sometimes in ways I cannot fathom.

I was thinking a lot of how miracles happen all the time and how I was hoping that this time, the miracle would happen to us.  I was wondering if we were doing the right thing by moving ahead with our third fresh IVF.  During a conversation with a friend who is going through a tough time, it hit me. A miracle aha moment.

When one thinks about the miracles that Jesus performed, He had to work with something first to make the miracle happen.  Think about it.  Water into wine.  Five loaves of bread and two fish to feed five thousand.  Friends who had enough faith to lower a cripple man through the roof to his feet, a woman with a blood issue to touch him etc. 

I’m the calmest I’ve ever been going into a treatment.  Even my freaky bleeding has not really phased me overmuch.  I think I’m finally at the point where I can honestly say that I’m letting go and letting God.  I’m working with the doctors at my clinic so that God has something to work with to complete a miracle in my life.  Our 3rd fresh IVF is the work that we need to put out there, so that He can breathe life into my womb.

I’m believing for our miracle.  In a calm and “given over to God” manner.  I have faith that this is going to be it.  May His will be done.

Jumbled Up

My emotions are jumbled up.  BIG time.  I’m incredibly sad.  I’m angry.  I’m hurt.  I’m scared.  I’m hopeful.  I’m confused.  I’m anxious.  I’m excited.  And many others that I’m battling to articulate right now.

Sharon’s miscarriage has really sucker punched me.  I’ve always made no bones about the fact that I love God and that I pray to Him.  When Martiza was going through her GIFT, I prayed for her and Jerry often.  And I got a sense of peace and love when I prayed for them.  I *knew* it was going to be a successful treatment for them.  I just knew.  Then came Shaz’s turn.  I got that same feeling of peace and love when I prayed for her and W.  So in turn I *knew* her FET was going to be positive too. 

Then she got her positive test, I changed my prayers for her and W.  I changed them to prayers for a healthy full term pregnancy.  I felt peace for them.  And I felt like this was the one that would go all the way.  I just thanked Him for answering so many of our prayers and thanked Him for the baby that would be testament to His Grace.  And I have to say that I am SO shaken that my feelings were so wrong.  How could I have misread the feelings I felt I was getting from the Holy Spirit?  Was I just so eager for it to be what I wanted that I was fabricating those feelings?

Then I have to admit that  we’ve decided to move ahead with our next fresh IVF in November.  We based this decision on a couple of things.  Number 1, that there is no good time to head into treatment.  There will always be *something* to hold you back.  Number 2, Cliff wanted to do it sooner rather than wait.  This man has done enough stuff over the last 5 years for me when I wanted them that I could not deny him this (and in my heart of hearts I wanted to move ahead too so it was kinda a no brainer but anyway) and Number 3 that when I prayed about this decision I got a sense of calm and peace about moving ahead with this treatment in November.  The worry is creeping in cos now it seems like my discernment of the peace and calm might not be as spot on as I thought it was.  I might have forced myself to think I was feeling it cos I wanted to feel it.  The thing is I still feel it when I pray about it now.  So now I’m confused.  But excited and hopeful too.  See?  All jumbled up.

I’m trying so hard to not let the fear that is stemming from the hurt I feel for my friend overwhelm me.  I need to get my head right.  I need to get into the place where I can allow my hope and faith to open my body up to the possiblity that I can be on the receiving end of this miracle.  Its hard.  But I’m trying.

It just could not be easy could it?

So I created the whole debate on whether I should pee or not pee on those cursed pee sticks and then merrily went on my way still blissfully believing that this has worked. 

On Saturday we cleaned out the back room and threw out boxes, donated items we never use and literally cleaned house.  Yesterday we went for lunch at a dairy farm yesterday with some friends and their twin girls and had a lovely day.  We got home and I decided that was a good time to do my daily clean out the cottage cheese crinone left overs from the vaj.  So I cleaned it out.  There was some brown old blood mixed in but I was not too worried cos I did bleed a bit from ER and maybe this was just old crinone that I had not reached in the last week.  We watched some TV and then got ready for bed.  I inserted the lovely crinone and when I pulled out the applicator – red blood!  SHIT!  I freaked out in the bathroom wondering how the hell I’m going to tell my husband that my body fucked up again.  I told him.  We hugged and sniffled.  We got into bed and just held each other while we cried and just kept on saying please don’t let this be the end.  Cliff just kept on saying over and over again how we need to pray and believe that we’ve still got a chance.  We both believed this was IT for us, and we just had to keep on believing.

After sleeping literally 40 winks I called my Mom at 06h24 this morning in tears.  She called me back later and told me that she does not believe this is over for us.  She refuses to accept it .  I was crying and telling her that historically blood does not bode well for me and that I’m terrified to go through this again.  She told me about an experience she had at church last night where she was called out of a congregation of 5000 + people and given a word that the pain and hurt is over.  She told me that the only pain she feels is the pain I go through on this journey and how she feels it for me.  She prayed over me and I do believe that my God can do anything.  I believe in miracles.

Due the the word my mother received and the fact that I have not had anymore bleeding today, I’m believing that just maybe I’m in the middle of a miracle.  I’m standing on my faith now more than I ever have before.

Better…

Thank you so much for all the sweet words of love and comfort over the last few days.  
The Durbanville Hills and stunning flowers that Martiza dropped off were also just such a great comfort – thanks my friend!  Initially my first reaction to the BFN was to throw in the towel, I felt like I could not possibly get through another disappointment like this and I could not do this to my husband any more. (I was scared to see how deeply this BFN rocked him, I never want to be the cause of that much pain in his heart ever again).

But today I am feeling much better.  I am steadier and I feel stronger and am ready to meet with our doc to have a post mortem of the cycle so that we can analyse what we learnt about my body through the last cycle, and how we can use that information moving forward.  I am concerned that I only made it to 9DP3DT and will be discussing this with him in depth.  I really don’t want to bow out of the next race to early…  We have four on ice which is logically going to be our next step - I know that statistically FET’s are not as successful as fresh cycles but it seems like such a waste not to use them…and one never really knows does one?  Those frozen embies could very well be our children, who will drive us nuts and give us love and cuddles…

Anyway, once we have the meeting with our wonderful doc, I will update you all as to what the plan of action is, but either way we are going to take at least a month off.

It is my birthday next week Monday – the BIG 30!  I am having a dress up party so am going to throw myself into organising and sorting put all the final details this week.  I am getting myself back to gym and will be stricly following my dieticians eating plan from Monday onwards.  I figure that I should use this break to finally shake those last 3 kg’s that I have been battling to get rid of.

I must admit that I have been very angry with God the last few days.  I had hardened my heart against Him just could not wrap my mind around the fact that all went so well with our cycle and that He allowed it to end with a BFN.  But boy was I put in my place this morning at church… I know that I need to get my soul right with Him, to get over this set back. 

In my heart of hearts I know that everything happens for a reason, and the worst thing about it is that we very rarely get to know the reason until we are long past the challenge.  I need to be still in His presence and I need to keep my hope alive cos hope is the substance of our faith.  I have hope and I have faith. 

I will climb back on this horse and I will win the race.  Not this time round, but next time, maybe, just maybe it will be our turn.  And that my dear friends is what I am focusing on from now on.   That and losing those last blasted 3 kg’s…

Mother’s Day = Not too bad

I was fully expecting yesterday to be much like last year, where I was miserable and feeling full of failure and tears, but it was not too bad… actually it was quite nice. 

I woke up early for church like normal, got showered and ready like normal and got picked up by my Mom, sister and niece like normal.  But in the back of my mind I knew that church was going to be hard as they would be honoring all the Moms, so put a thick, protective, icy shell around my heart.  I wished my Mom and sister a Happy Mothers Day and winked at my neice who knew my sister and I were keeping my Mom’s gift till later cos I still needed to write a note in it (we gave her a new bible – she was using my Granny’s bible but it is so old and is literally falling apart and means so much to Mom that Moz and I could not bear to have something go missing from it, hence a new day to day bible for our beautiful Mom.  We also got her some prayer books and a devotional journal) – all normal with my icy heart safely protected.  We got to church, parked like normal and walked in.  All woman got given chocolate and a book mark and I overheard one woman say with a little hitch in her voice ”But I am not a Mom” and the gentleman handing them out said “that may be, but you can and will be, and we love you”.  My heart thawed slightly, and a little more as I was handed my chocolate too. Praise and worship was AMAZING and my heart thawed so much that there was only a tiny bit of frosting left on it… then our woman’s ministery Paster prayed for the congregation and the Moms, and then also prayed for all of us whose hearts are filled with desire to be a Mother, she prayed for wombs to be opened and for the desires of our hearts to be fulfilled - cue tears as my Mom and sister gripped my hands so tight!  Sjoe – very emotional moment!  The sermon was about being placed for a purpose and was so apt.  We then had communion and my heart was so warm with the love of God.

After church we went to our house and had Cliff’s Mom and Dad over with my family for a Mother’s day breakfast.  The breaki was yummy and we enjoyed the winter sun on our patio…  Later on we went to my cousin to celebrate her son’s birthday, and ate lots of cake, meringues and more cake… (What diet?) 

Yep, not a bad day at all… I might not be a Mom to a living baby yet, but the promise of what is to come made the day wonderful after all.  Because I will be a Mom, I know it in my heart and soul.

To those of us whose hearts were sore and bruised yesterday, I send the biggest bestest hugs out to you via the cyber universe, and pray that you find this peace that has thawed and healed my heart. {{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

In other news, the clomid monster is yet to rear her head with only 3 more pills to pop – have I managed to vanquish her?  It seems to be so   Cliff is extatic about this state of affairs naturally… The anal paranoid nagger in me (hidden relatively far beneath the surface of calm) is whispering in my ear (which I have to add I am heroically ignoring – well mostly) that the reason the clomid monster has not appeared is because she is actually doing nada in those ovaries of mine… Erm, say what anal paranoid nagger beotch? 

Scan on Wednesday set to disavow the naysayer…then onto menopur we go!