Weird Ass Dreams!

First off – Hello to any ICLW’ers – nice to “meet ya”.  I’m busy with my 3ww after a GIFT and might come across as slightly irrational or whacko this week – forgive me I’m actually rather sane and rational most days

Right, so onto the severely weird ass dreams I’ve been having.  As much as I’ve been trying to stay calm and rational and have been trying to take the 3ww one day at a rational time, it’s clear to me that my subconscious has a completely different approach to this waiting period.  And it’s also clear to me that as much as I ‘ve been saying I’m fine and in control I’m obviously a lot more stressed than even I care to admit…

Weird ass dream number one:  This one occurred on Friday night.  I cannot completely remember how it went but I know it had something to do with walking in a forest and finding a baby hiding in a tree – when I tried to save this baby it, I don’t know “misted up” into pretty little blood droplets… Cue waking up at approx 03h30 with my heart racing…

Weird ass dream number two:  This one was naturally on Saturday night.  I remember dreaming that I had woken up in the middle of the night absolutely DESPERATE to pee.  I stumbled to the bathroom and did my thing.  When I wiped I saw (how I don’t know cos it was still dark) these long strings of french shaped lace blood globs coming out my vagina.  (sorry I know that’s a pretty grim picture) I could feel my heart skip a beat and I called to Cliff, crying that this GIFT had not worked.  He came into the bathroom and with his face a mere inch or so away from mine started screaming at me “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you” over and over until I woke up at approx 03h00 with my heart racing…

Weird ass dream number 3:  This one happened yesterday afternoon during my afternoon nap.  For some reason we were at my Aunt’s house in Durban and Cliff and I were arguing over some mundane bloody thing.  It was so mundane that I really can’t even remember what it was, I think it was over a special blanket/duvet/covering or something which he wanted to put on our bed but I would not allow him to cos it was boiling hot and it was not needed.  Somehow the argument reached a crescendo and I screamed at him “just do whatever you want” at which he sprinted up the stairs and flung himself off the balcony of my Aunt’s house… I woke up as he was just about to hit terra firma with my heart racing… 

Now I am not huge into reading too much into my dreams etc – I believe that dreams normally manifest out of your experiences that day and whilst I do remember a great deal of my dreams many people don’t.

I do however think these weird ass dreams are telling me that I need to calm myself.  I need to centre myself and I need to keep focused on the “get through each day” goal. 

Last night before I went to bed, I prayed over myself, I asked for a peaceful sleep and thankfully I got it – no weird ass dream last night… I’m hoping to keep this new no weird ass dream trend going…

I dream a dream… of you.

It’s a beautiful day.  The sun is shining and I can feel it warming my back and hugging my shoulders.  A bird dips down on its flight and swoops past us on its way to it’s nest.  A bee buzzes and I can hear the hum of the other families that are out enjoying the summer’s day.  Laughter and shrieks of delight.  A dog barks excitedly in the distance.  Our jack russel Jazzy, sprints off to find out what’s going on.  Saffy (our gorgeous labrador) trots next to us as we stroll towards her favourite spot – the dam.

And you move inside my belly.  A slow but determined arc of movement.  I take Daddy’s hand and hold it close to where you’re moving and you kick his hand – hard, annoyed at his intrusion to your game.  We both laugh.  We look into each other’s eyes and Thank God silently for the miracle that is you.  The wonder that is you….

I wake to the scream of an alarm, but the dream of you, it lingers.  It makes me feel warm and happy. 

And I remember that sometimes dreams do come true.

Dreaming…

Lately I’ve been allowing myself to dream.  To dream what it would feel like to actually be pregnant.  Dream of how I would feel, how happy we’d be.  Thrashing out baby names, fighting about how we’re going to decorate the nursery and most of all about deciding to find out the sex of the baby or not.

Sometimes the dreams that I allow myself threaten to overwhelm me and fill me with such an intense feeling of foreboding, cos why am I allowing myself to dream of something that I am not even sure is going to happen?  Surely I should dream about the staircase we’re planning on ripping out and rebuilding rather than a figment of my imagination?

But sometimes these dreams I’m allowing myself also give me a glimpse of what can be, of what will be, should we be strong enough and faithful enough to see this race through.  And that fills me with love and happiness.

So I’ll allow them for a while longer and keep on hoping that soon they’ll not just be a figment of my wildest imagination but just as tangible as that staircase we’re building.

A little weird

Those who know me know that I have dreams that have a tendancy to come true. 

I had a dream about my close friend (the one who I posted about here a while back) that she was pregnant and that she had just found out she was having a little boy.  I told her the next day over coffee that I dreamt she was pregnant and she told me that was not possible as she and her husband were not trying…  Six weeks later she told me that she was seven weeks pregnant.  She went on to birth her son 35 weeks later (he was 2 weeks overdue).  I then had a dream about another friend of mine who was going through IVF (she has no tubes) and I dreamt that she was pregnant with twins and I kept on “seeing” her with a pigeon pair.  I was severely disappointed when her first IVF came back negative but two months later with her second IVF she got a positive beta and was pregnant with twins!  I got the pigeon pair wrong though as she ended up with twin daughters… I then dreamt again of my friend who had her son and dreamt that she was pregnant with a daughter.  At twelve weeks pregnant she called me to say that she was expecting again and that the gynae told her she thought it was a girl…  I’ve got a good trend going here don’t I?

The thing is that I’ve never dreamt of myself being pregnant – ever.  Not once in our over four year journey have I ever dreamt that I will be pregnant.  I’ve hoped, prayed, undergone treatment after treatment but have never dreamt of myself as pregnant.  I’ve often irrationally thought that because I’ve never dreamed it for myself that it would not happen for me… until last night. 

Last night I had a really weird dream.  I dreamt that I was in hospital for some reason and that the doctors were treating me with antibiotics and I had drips hooked up and everything and my uterus was really sore… no-one could figure out what was wrong with me… everyone was looking really worried… then all of a sudden someone asked if I could be pregnant?  I laughed in their face and said me? pregnant?  no way!  But then someone slathered gel all over my belly and used the dildo cam (why on earth would they slather jelly on my belly if they used the dildo cam I have no cooking clue, but anyways I digress) and there was a beautiful baby in my tummy… they declared me 6 weeks 5 days along (also weird cos the baby inside was not a blob but had the classic side view profile shot going down) and I cried and cried and cried… and then I woke up.

I’m thinking that this is just a little weird right?  It seems that as much as I say I am on a ttc break and that I am focusing on not being the infertile couple that my subconscious is still focused on us having that baby…

It will be interesting to see if my dream of my baby is prophetic or not… I’m hoping it is – all of it except the being in hospital undiagnosed that is…

Melted Ice Cream Dreams & Dividing Stars…

Today is a big day for our little popsicles… they get taken out of their safe ice palace and are slowly expected to melt and start dividing again. 

Now I am not one who condones putting pressure on one’s kids to excel (ok maybe just a little but only if it is something they like doing and show a natural affinity for), but in this case I find that I am wanting our little popsicles to excel… I want them to win gold in the thawing race and I want them to grow well throughout the day and night so that when I make that all important call tomorrow morning at 11h00, I’ll have some good news to share…

I’m hoping for a cracking domino effect…. Good thaw – bump – good divide – bump – good blasts – bump – good transfer – bump – good 2ww (hahahahahahahaha) – bump – good blood test – bump – good heartbeat – bump – good development and so on and so forth… Can one really expect a good thaw to result in a good baby?  I sure do…but at the end of the day I know that I need to trust my God.  I know that He has it all under control and what ever will be will be in His time, according to His perfect plan…I’m just hoping that the plan is now

Last night I had a weird dream (maybe it was helped along by the cyclogest I started taking yesterday and the comment made by Super Mabout ice cream trucks, but it was kinda strange…).  I dreamt that our popsicles were stored in an ice cream truck and that they were ensconsed by yummy vanilla ice cream, but the ice cream was melting and the ice cream man (dressed in his swanky lab coat) was turning out cone after cone in an effort to not make an all consuming mess of his ice cream truck… I was worried that our popsicles would end up in someones tummy as part of their delicious cone when all of a sudden stars started shooting out of the melting pot and then started dividing – stars, stars everywhere… I ran into the middle of the stars and they stuck to my body turning me into a human glitterball… then I woke up to the sound of my alarm so alas, I cannot tell you how this dream ended (ie: did I have a star baby or not) but I am really really really hoping for one….

Can you tell that my obsessed mind is losing it? Heh…

Till tomorrow – here’s to my dividing stars!