Jericho to Jordan

A few weeks back we had a guest speaker at our church who preached a sermon that really struck a chord in my spirit.  He was talking about how as Christians we need to grow and how we need to go through several pass/fail points to get to the end of the race and to reach our prize.  The thing that he drove home was that things are going to be tough on the route to the prize, things are going to challenge us, try and beat us down, but if we fight the good fight, the prize will be so, so sweet. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about this sermon and it’s true of all things in life.  We start at one point and we go through stuff, we learn things and we move forward to another point in our lives.  At the new point we are challenged, we grow, we learn, we suffer but we get through and then we end up moving onwards and forwards and get to the next point.  And so on and so forth.

The analogy the guest speaker used was that of going through Jericho to get to Jordan.  At Jericho the war was waged for many days and it was a tough war to fight.  But the Israelites prevailed and brought the walls down and moved to the land of Jordan where riches and glory abounded.

I see my infertility as a journey through Jericho on my way to Jordan.  And on the day before my blood test after this last GIFT, I am praying that I’ve fought the good fight, that the walls are tumbling down and that I’ll head tomorrow into the beautiful land of Jordan. 

As I’ll be at the airport fetching the friends who are bringing my Dad’s remains home, I may only post the results later in the day… so please bear with me.

Thanks in advance for all your love and support and wonderful words that you’ve shared with me in the last 18 days.  You guys and girls are just amazing and I am so so blessed to be a part of this community who cares so much.

Tuesday is a BEEG day

02 March 2010. 

Potentially the day that could heral change in my life in a way that I cannot even begin to comprehend!

There are several reasons why this day is a BEEG day.  I think if I tried hard enough I could get each and every person reading this blog to admit to something significant happening on this day cos it sure does seem quite important from where I’m sitting…. Let me list some reasons why it’s a BEEG day:

• It’s one of my closest friend’s husband’s 41st birthday
• It’s a good friends 14 or 15 week scan day
• It’s my very close friends day of surgery to remove her polyps and to get her pregnant once and for all with her GIFT the following month
• It’s the day my bank balance moves back to practically zero as all my debit orders will have gone off my account paying my bills
• On Tuesday morning my Dad’s friend arrives with his ashes and belongings from Wales
• I do my beta

So as you can see chaps and chappettes, Tuesday is a BEEG day.  I sure hope and pray that we end up with some good news to curtail the emotion we’ll feel at finally having Dad back on African soil…

I’m heading into the weekend, with my heart hopeful yet reeling with feelings that I cannot quite pinpoint about finally getting closure on my dad’s passing…

It’s weird, but Tuesday is a BEEG day – what is special or BEEG about Tuesday for YOU??

Chemical

I started the day with a good cuddle from my wonderful husband. 

It went downhill from there.

We decided that I would poas just to prepare ourselves for what the blood test would bring (we were sure we were going to see two lines).  We did two tests.  Both were negative.  We were gobsmacked.  We were NOT expecting that, not with the “symptoms” I’d been experiencing the last two weeks.  Maybe there was still hope.  Maybe  I would end up being one of those freaky women who just never get positive home pregnancy results.  We cried.  And prepared our hearts for a negative beta.

We drove to the clinic, had my blood drawn and took my barcode up to the co-ordinators.  I told them I thought it was negative and they asked why.  I told them about those darn pee sticks.  We left.  We got a call from my FS at 08h13.  And what he said literally knocked the wind out my sails.  I was expecting my usual flat beta of zero.

My beta is 14.9.  Fucking 14.9.  A chemical completely non viable pregnancy.  We’re so pissed off.  We’re so hurt.  We’re so fucking confused.  As my wonderful FS said it’s cold comfort to know that for once my body managed to start implantation.  And then it just stopped.  This hurts, A LOT.

We are naturally gutted. 

But on the one hand we are grateful to have got through a 2ww with no bleeding.  I am grateful to know that my body is not as fucked up as I thought it was when I looked at those one lined HPT’s this morning.  My instinct that something was happening inside my womb was not wrong.  My bodies signs to me were not wrong.  They were just not strong enough.  Not viable enough.

And while my head knows it’s a good thing that we finally had a chemical reaction between our embryo and my endometrial lining my heart is bleeding.  My heart longs for what this should have been.  And my heart cries for the injustice of this situation.

Thank you to everyone for your love, support and prayers for us during this time.  It really means so much.

The Inevitable

The question rose it’s ugly head. 

Do I or don’t I pee on a stick?  Now if you know me at all you know that I’m really anti POAS.  They mess with your head in ways that you can never imagine.  Or if you’ve ever fished a still wet pee stick out the bin or pulled the thing apart in an effort to see the second bloody line, it messes with your head in ways you can well imagine.

On the flip side I suppose if I was ever blessed enough to pee on the variety which automatically comes up singing with a bling, bling second line before the pee gets all the way across the test window (need to figure out where on earth to buy this kind, they do sound kind of nice),  I would be the type of person who DOES advocate a good old POAS.

So, the conundrum lurks in the back of my mind. 

Do I or don’t I?  The thing is this, my history has always been to start bleeding early after a treatment.  Whilst my body will not conform to a “normal” 28 day cycle on it’s own, it does a damn good job of conforming to the norm when I’ve had a stimmed cycle.  Previously I’ve always bled on or before CD28. 

For us, while we are still believing in this IVF, and we still think that this could very well be THE ONE that yields that elusive BFP, our main focus right now is to get past the point of previous bleeds.  That day my friends is next week Wednesday. 

At that point we migth start playing POAS ball.  Cos next week Wednesday is ONLY two days before my scheduled beta.  And honestly I really don’t see the point in peeing on a stick a mere two days before a blood test.  I *might* (and this is an extremely tentative might) POAS on the morning of the beta, just to prepare myself (and Cliff) for what the outcome might be.

And that dear hearts is the long and short of it.

Tenter Hooks

I freely admit that the panty checking and loo paper inspections are at level OBSESSIVE.  Every time I feel a little “wet” down there I rush to the loo and do the panty check.

So far so good.  No more red blood.  When I cleaned out the crinone residue this morning it did have quite a bit of brown blood in it but I’m taking brown blood as a good sign.  Previously when I’ve had brown blood it’s always turned to red blood rather quickly so again, leap of faith, I’m believing that the fact that I’ve not had anymore bleeding is a good sign.

I’m swinging on the giant pendulum regarding POAS before beta day.  I’ve only got 3 more sleeps left.  It almost seems pointless to now go and buy a HPT and pee on it.  Almost.  I’ve taken Friday off so that either way I’ll be at home to celebrate & cry or drown my sorrows and cry.  *sigh*  I know I’m overthinking this.  But the overthinking?  It’s how I cope – this is what I do in times of strife, I think and I put the pieces of the puzzle together, break it apart put it back together another way… and somehow it gets me through.

Gotta dash – panty check!

T-4 Days and counting…

… another day closer to the beta test… another day of see saw madness…. I have decided once and for all NOT to POAS… I will wait this out to the beta (bitter geddit?) end…

God help us all….