The Way It Goes…

Reasons why I am considering trying IVF again sometime:

• Cliff will be an amazing Dad
• To experience pregnancy
• Once pregnant I can’t wait to spend evenings with my husband feeling our child move in my tummy
• My Mom deserves to be a Granny to more than one child
• Cliff’s Mom deserves to be a Granny to HIS child
• Gummy smiles I see from my friends kids absolutely melt my heart
• My niece thinks I’d be a cool Mom and that’s gotta count for something
• To decorate a nursery
• The clothes – have you *seen* how cute they are?
• To hear my child call for me when they are sick and to know that only *I* can make it better
• The laughs and giggles that can’t get any better
• To look into my childs eyes and know that they know they are LOVED, so very, very loved
• To see my current babies (my Saff’s and Jazz) protect and guard my new baby
• To experience Mother’s Day without tears and sadness
• To experience Father’s Day without guilt and torment
• To share my love for reading with someone innocent
• Delight in my children who see the world through such unjaded eyes
• We had a chemical before – that’s got to mean that it might go all the way for us at some point right?

I could go on for ever and ever….

Reasons why I might consider stopping this madness for good:

• This hurts both of us so much in so many ways

Jericho to Jordan

A few weeks back we had a guest speaker at our church who preached a sermon that really struck a chord in my spirit.  He was talking about how as Christians we need to grow and how we need to go through several pass/fail points to get to the end of the race and to reach our prize.  The thing that he drove home was that things are going to be tough on the route to the prize, things are going to challenge us, try and beat us down, but if we fight the good fight, the prize will be so, so sweet. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about this sermon and it’s true of all things in life.  We start at one point and we go through stuff, we learn things and we move forward to another point in our lives.  At the new point we are challenged, we grow, we learn, we suffer but we get through and then we end up moving onwards and forwards and get to the next point.  And so on and so forth.

The analogy the guest speaker used was that of going through Jericho to get to Jordan.  At Jericho the war was waged for many days and it was a tough war to fight.  But the Israelites prevailed and brought the walls down and moved to the land of Jordan where riches and glory abounded.

I see my infertility as a journey through Jericho on my way to Jordan.  And on the day before my blood test after this last GIFT, I am praying that I’ve fought the good fight, that the walls are tumbling down and that I’ll head tomorrow into the beautiful land of Jordan. 

As I’ll be at the airport fetching the friends who are bringing my Dad’s remains home, I may only post the results later in the day… so please bear with me.

Thanks in advance for all your love and support and wonderful words that you’ve shared with me in the last 18 days.  You guys and girls are just amazing and I am so so blessed to be a part of this community who cares so much.

One of *Those* Women

We’re expecting to start with our GIFT this week.

I’m excited at the possibility that this treatment offers us.  What if it’s the one that works?  I’m scared of the heartbreak this treatment can also offer us.  What if it’s not the one?  I just cannot bear to think of having a negative outcome for the fifth time.

I remember when we first started trying to have a baby, well more when we first started seeking treatment cos it was obvious that nothing was happening “naturally”, I remember sitting in the waiting room at a fertility clinic talking to some of the girls who were brave enough to do so and hearing some of their stories.  I remember hearing stories of great hope “my first IUI worked and I’m now here for my second child”, “I got pregnant first time with a timed cycle”, “I’m now pregnant after only a few cycles”.

But I also heard a lot of stories that struck complete and utter fear in my heart.  “I’ve been told I’ll never have my own child, my eggs are vrot”, “I’m busy with my third/fourth/fifth/sixth/seventh/eighth/ninth IVF”, “I’ve been trying for number one for 10 years with no success”, “I’ve had several miscarriages and no one can tell me why”.

Stories of hope and stories of fear and hurt and pain, I’ve heard many of both in the last six years.  But I remember my young nieve self sitting there in those early days and it shames me to admit that I used to go home and pray to God that I would not end up being one of *those* women.  The ones who had to endure years and years of this nonsense, the ones who had to do IVF after IVF after IVF.

And now six years later I’m facing big ART treatment number five.  After having gone through many a headstand after sex, many a timed cycle, many an AI and many an IUI, Chinese remedies, acupuncture, reflexology, light therapies, reiki and so on and so forth.  The list of what we’ve tried in order to have ttc succes is endless.

I AM one of *those* women.

At times I don’t know how that makes me feel.  To know that I’ve become the very thing I prayed to God I would not be.

The fear of being one of *those* women does not stay within the walls of one’s clinic though.  The fear clings to you as you walk out and real life friends feel the fear as well.  They look at you with pity in their eyes and avoid talking about their own children and pregnancies for fear that by being around you; they might also become one of *those* women.  They think it’s better to hide a pregnancy from you, they think it’s easier for you to handle if they only tell you about their pregnancies when they are 5 – 6 months into them and they cannot hide them any longer.  They tell you that they just could not bear to break your heart cos they have what you desire.  They pity you and actually say things like “I think of how we could have been like you and it scares me to death”.  It’s those actions and words that break your heart, not the fact that they have life blossoming in their bellies.  (Yes it still stings to hear a pregnancy announcement but for the record, having been on this road for six years means that I’m not going to go all banshi on your ass.  Suprisingly enough I can control my emotions, mostly cos they’ve been dulled and severed, but they are controlled.)

In many ways the last six years have taught me more than I could ever have imagined.  They have taught me empathy, strength, compassion, patience (admittedly not very well).  They’ve taught me about a community that embraces those who belong to it tightly in good times and even tighter in tough times.  They’ve taught me that I am loved in more ways than I ever knew.  They’ve taught me that whilst things have often been tough for us and infertility has been the cause of many a fight about sex and money, that I’ve been given the best partner I could ever hope for to go through this with.

I see the way the other girls at the clinic look at me now.  The newbies who’ve come to recognise my face cos I always seem to be around every few months.  They avoid me cos I am now what they fear.  I am the proof that their dreams may not quite work out the way they think they may.

I know that without a shadow of a doubt that I am well and truly one of *those* women. And today I am proud of being this woman.

Erm, oh Hi! Look it’s 2010

I’ve been totally avoiding my blog of late.  I’ve just not been inspired to write anything really.

Since my last pitiful post, life has gone on and we’ve got ourselves through the Festive season.  People warned me about doing a treatment cycle just before Christmas – pretty much everyone I know told me to avoid a Christmas cycle cos if it did not work it would be extra hard to get through.  I thought it would be just like any other failed cycle – I mean they all suck right?  They’re all hard to “get over”.  But oh my hat, Christmas was VERY hard this year.  It should have been a time of celebration and joy at the news that we were finally “up the spout” with sprog and instead I found it was a time of forced smiles and curried joy so as not to put a damper on everyone elses Festive spirit.  Christmas Eve was spent with the Young’s and Christmas day was spent with the Curley clan – cousins aunts and uncles and all.

I worked right through the season (admittedly not very hard but worked none the less) and managed to lose 7 kg’s and keep this weight loss consistent.  Saying no to those added treats over this season is not as hard as one thinks. (I think being sadder than normal helps)

Cliff and I spent a very quiet New Years Eve at home with our hounds.  We drank lots of champers (no where to drive and certainly no reason not to) and had a braai on our patio.

Just before the clock turned we put the tunes on full blast had a little dance in the lounge,

blew our vuvuzela in preparation for the FIFA 2010 World Cup being hosted in our country this year

and has a quick snog at midnight.  Cliff went to bed and I stayed up drinking champers and watching movies.  And so started our year.

2010.  Sjoe, who would have thought it would get here as quickly as it did?
As we face our 5th ART treatment pretty much around the corner, I’ll not start this year like I always do and state this this year WILL be our year.  What I will say is that I pray that each and every person who reads here gets blessed in ways they never thought possible and that all their hopes and dreams be fulfilled.  I pray that each and every person who reads here has peace and joy in their hearts and that life for each and every one of you is healthy, wealthy and just damn fine.

Here’s to a great 2010 – in whatever shape or form that happens to manifest itself.

Not a Christmas G.I.F.T

I did not quite get the gift I was hoping for this Christmas but it seems it’s going to be a G.I.F.T of another kind in 2010.

We met with my lovely FS yesterday afternoon and went through the cycle and then discussed our options. 

Our FS was very upfront about the fact that we’ve done every test under the sun, we’ve pretty much done everything and tested everything that we can to pinpoint any underlying issues as to why we keep having no success.   There is technically nothing wrong (well aside from my PCOS but that is controlled in this process) and no indicators for why we keep getting shit news.  Clearly our options are slowly but surely running out.

He feels that we’d be beating our heads against the same brick wall by trying another IVF with Intralipids and expect a different result.  We’ve been down the fresh IVF road three times.  It’s clearly not working for us.  No matter how ballsy we are with the number of embies we put back.

While he was pleased to see that we’ve finally had some measure of success by way of the chemical pregnancy, he felt that we needed to look at other options.  He stated that the fact we had achieved a chemical pregnancy bodes well for our future chances and that from a FS perspective he now knows that he does not need to necessarily worry overmuch about the uterus being the issue.  Clearly it can handle implantation.  Implantation *can* happen in my uterus which previously had been a very grey area for us and a huge cause for concern.

So. 

That leaves GIFT.  Both he and his partner feel that we need to do GIFT simply cos by doing this treatment the eggs are in the ideal environment.  Our fertilization rate has always been between 80 – 85% so they are not worried that we are at any risk of not having fertilization occur in the tubes.  The hope is that by putting the eggs and sperm in the “ideal” environment we end up with that viable embryo implanting and sticking this time round.  We’ll combine the GIFT with the intralipids again as well. 

I asked about ectopic statistics and was pleasantly surprised to hear that they are less than 1% at my clinic with this treatment.

The question was as to how many eggs to put back.  Our fert rate is good and in light of the fact that we now know embies can implant in my uterus they would like to er on the side of caution.  Right now they’re saying 4 – 5 eggs.  But obviously we’ll look at it closer to the time and see how we go.

Having chatted to a few friends who have had chemical pregnancies and who went onto having successful pregnancies with live births the very next treatment I found that most had waited a maximum of two months to try again.  I talked to my FS about the possibility of the uterus having some form of muscle memory whereby it may perhaps remember being pregnant and that being the reason why many friends had success so soon after a chemical.  As usual there is no scientific proof to support this but he did not pooh-pooh my theory right off the bat.

Time wise my FS will not do another treatment in less than 60 days.  He feels we need to give my body time to recover and also for our hearts to heal emotionally.  So we’re probably looking at late January or early February 2010.

I’m praying and hoping that the GIFT we do ends up being the GIFT that keeps on giving right up until a live birth late next year…

On another subject all together, I am often amazed how our hearts can handle so many conflicting emotions at once.  While my heart is breaking for myself due to personal issues that are happening in my life right now, my heart explodes with joy at Sharon’s news and the fact that a good friend got a strong healthy beta with IVF #2 this morning.  Our capacity for feeling is truly a wonderful thing. 

It will never cease to amaze me.

Push to Day 5

Oh my word – can someone please tell Mother Nature to turn summer back on?  Cos I’m feeling decidedly like a duck – enough with the rain already… After battling traffic this am (why is it that people see rain and drive like morons?) we finally got to the clinic to have our day 3 embryology feedback with the FS.

We met all the couples who I had ER with in the waiting room this morning and they were all so positive and excited.  And funnily enough so was I.  I always get so emotional to see our embryo’s on the screen, it’s like those little bundles of cells hold so much hope and potential.  Those cells, they could be our children one day.  They might end up with my green eyes and temper and Cliff’s gorgeous legs… gets me everytime!

We were the second couple called back to have the big talk.  All of our embies are still alive and growing.  One is a real limper though, and it broke my heart to know that “he” was probably going to arrest in the next few hours or so.  Our other six are super.  One “excellent” quality 7 cell and 5 “excellent” quality 8 cells. 

Initially our FS wanted us to transfer 3 today and freeze 3.  We then discussed pushing them to day 5.  The FS we sat with said that there was no reason to not grow them onto day 5 and that considering that we’d grown embies to day 5 before that it would be a good option for us to consider.  His exact words were this “you’re not in this to get embryo’s for freezing, you’re in it to get pregnant”.

So a recap for my records, day 3 embies status were as follows:

• 1 x 4 cell (limpy)
• 1 x 7 cell
• 5 x 8 cells

So onto day 5 our precious embryo’s go!  Please join us in prayer that they all continue to grow as they should.

Fertilized

I know it’s silly to be worried about a fert report when you’ve always had good fertilization rates, but honestly one just never knows if they’ve fertilized or not and for me I find the wait to find out if they’ve fertilized or not THE most stressful part of a treatment. 

So I sat twiddling my thumbs this morning, totally not concentrating at work, talking to friends on skype, drinking loads of water and tea (still pushing those fluids, last time my OHSS only struck 2 days after ER) and pretty much doing anything and everything to make the time go by until I could call the lab just after 10h00.

Each minute was ticking by soooooo slooowwwly until finally it was time for the call.  I got voicemail. SHIT!  Called back right away, got a human, and then stood in the freezing cold (was standing outside my offices, top secret status on this IVF you know) waiting for that all important update…

S.E.V.E.N!  We have 7 beautiful embies growing.  I asked about the other 3 being “possibles” and she said there was no note about them… So 7, seven, seve, and 7 in whatever other language you can think of.  Thank you God!

Now we pray that they continue growing well…

On the Eve of ER

I sit here and I allow myself the excitement.  I deny any feelings of anxiety or fear.  I focus on the good, the blessings I have in my life. 

My wonderful husband, my wonderful family and my wonderful friends (both in RL and in Blogland).  My home, my dogs.

Tomorrow I’ll lay these eggs and be on our way to achieving our dream…

Already?

Sjoe, it’s been a whirlwind two days.

Yesterday’s scan revealed all my follies growing nicely sitting at between 15 and 16+ mm (he measured about 4 per ovary) and told me that there is a “decent” second cohort growing on each side as well.  He told me to keep the water flowing freely and asked if I was feeling fine.  I said yes,  a little uncomfy but just fine thanks.  Then he dropped the E2 bomb on me – my E2 on Friday was 7000.  That me dears is high.  So he sent me off to the vampires lab to have another E2 done and told me he would call with further instructions once the results were in.  E2 yesterday had climbed to 11 500 odd – holy cow!  So I had 1 x amp of menopur and 1 x cetrotide for the day.

I then spent the day at The Rhema children’s Village in town.  What a great day.  This home started nearly 20 years ago as a small shelter where homeless kids could sleep for the night and have  a meal.  It is now a registered home which hosts up to 75 children at a time.  The kids were amazing and I sat on my knee’s and weeded the gardens with them.  When it came time to have a tour the kids were SO proud of their home and their rooms and what they are making of themselves, they showed us their report cards from school and were such well-mannered, well-adjusted kids that my heart and soul were both totally restored.  I’m definitely getting more involved there in future.  I loved my time there and of course the bear hugs I got from the kids just were the cherry on the top of an amazing day.

Then off this am to the clinic again for yet another early morning scan.  Lawrence scanned me (he was The Lone Ranger today – Stephan is doing the 94.7) and actually called me a chicken.  Asked me if I was clucking when I talked.  He’s such a card – what a honey!  He said I had “plench” of follies and that they were all doing well.  They are sitting at 18+mm today.  I’ve had another E2 and Progesterone blood test done this am and that means it’s time…

TRIGGER TIME!  I’m triggering with lucrin, so need to take 40ml at 20h00 tonight and then another 40ml tomorrow morning at 08h00.  ER is set for Tuesday morning at 08h00.  Interestingly, Lawrence told me that when they trigger girls (mostly PCOS patients) with lucrin it is way more “natural” than triggering with ovidrel or pregnal etc.  This helps them combat the dreaded over stim (OHSS).  So, as much as I still need to drink water like there is no tomorrow, we’re hopeful that the lucrin trigger will also keep the OHSS at bay…

Holy smokes y’all!  I cannot believe that it’s ER time already.  This cycle has literally flown and I just can’t believe it.  But I’m still feeling good.  I’m still positive that this one is going to be THE one.

What a ride it’s been up till now!

Follie Gosh!

So the scan this morning was good

My lining is at 8.4mm and we have follies.  Lots and lots of follies.  Probably around 6 – 8 per ovary all at 11+mm.  I administered 2 amps of menopur and 1/2 a cetrotide today, will have 2 amps menopur & a full cetrotide tomorrow and have been told to up the fluid intake to a minimum of 4 litres per day to try and combat the ever lurking OHSS…

So I’m happy cos clearly my PCOS ovaries are responding well to the stim and my lining is looking really good this early in the game. 

I scan again on Friday morning.