When we told people about the miscarriage earlier in the year, I got a lot of “at least you know you can fall pregnant” but in my mind it wasn’t about that. I mean I KNEW I *could* get pregnant, I had a nearly two year old son who was proof of that. What it would take to get pregnant was another story but once I had lost our little Stowaway, what worried me was whether I would get pregnant again with a HEALTHY baby that would be able to go from embryo to fetus to live baby after approximately 40 weeks of gestation.
The fact is once you’ve had a miscarriage, it’s not the getting pregnant bit that worries you. Its the STAYING pregnant bit that clutches at your heart.
I posted in the aftermath of the miscarraige that I was doing well. That I kept on having this sense of God telling me to just trust Him. We had a conference at church and one of the guest speakers did the most amazing sermon on Mother’s Day. What he said and the way he illustrated that sermon (he is an AMAZING story teller of God’s grace) made my heart warm in an amazing way. It was a week later that I went to my mom’s place for a braai. I was feeling slightly off colour and had stupidly bought a two pack pee stick pack from Clicks earlier that day. You see, whilst in CT the week before on business I had, had some spotting that had come and gone. I had been waiting for my period after the d&c but it hadn’t come. But I had that odd spotting. And was feeling off colour. I felt incredibly foolish for having wasted money on two home pregnancy tests. But a voice nagged at the back of my mind. What if?
I wouldn’t allow myself to believe it. But I still only allowed myself ONE glass of wine that day. And I sneakily did a pee stick in my mom’s bathroom. WELL. You could’ve knocked me over with a feather when I found myself staring down at this:
I Whatsapped a friend and asked her if she could see what I was seeing and did she think that there was ANY chance of that line being there due to residual HcG from the miscarriage even though I knew that wasn’t the case cos I had had a low beta to confirm all was fine not that long ago.
Another positive stick in the morning had my hands shaking and my heart racing as I headed to Olivedale for my beta’s. I did a series of beta’s (415.1, 1108, 4099) and got slightly pee stick obsessive.
My heart ached to allow myself to believe that all would be ok. My head wouldn’t allow it. We told only our family members what was going on. My obgyn is amazing, he saw me for a 5 week scan, and has been monitoring me every week since then to ensure that all is well and on track with the pregnancy. I have seen this person grow from a tiny spec in the middle of a dark sac on that screen to a little person. I have worried and bartered with God daily to keep this baby healthy and growing strong. With each passing scan I have felt my heart slipping more and more in love with this little being. With each passing scan my head was preparing myself for the worst just.in.case.
Finally at our “12″ week scan (actual gestation 11 weeks 5 days) I allowed myself to believe that this one will go all the way. That as that guest pastor had preached on Mother’s day that “it is well”. We announced this baby to all our family and friends. We shared the news on Twitter and Instagram. So… now you all know, we have another huge miracle on the way. Another naturally conceived baby. A healthy one this time.
And I cannot be more happy.