The Inevitable

The question rose it’s ugly head. 

Do I or don’t I pee on a stick?  Now if you know me at all you know that I’m really anti POAS.  They mess with your head in ways that you can never imagine.  Or if you’ve ever fished a still wet pee stick out the bin or pulled the thing apart in an effort to see the second bloody line, it messes with your head in ways you can well imagine.

On the flip side I suppose if I was ever blessed enough to pee on the variety which automatically comes up singing with a bling, bling second line before the pee gets all the way across the test window (need to figure out where on earth to buy this kind, they do sound kind of nice),  I would be the type of person who DOES advocate a good old POAS.

So, the conundrum lurks in the back of my mind. 

Do I or don’t I?  The thing is this, my history has always been to start bleeding early after a treatment.  Whilst my body will not conform to a “normal” 28 day cycle on it’s own, it does a damn good job of conforming to the norm when I’ve had a stimmed cycle.  Previously I’ve always bled on or before CD28. 

For us, while we are still believing in this IVF, and we still think that this could very well be THE ONE that yields that elusive BFP, our main focus right now is to get past the point of previous bleeds.  That day my friends is next week Wednesday. 

At that point we migth start playing POAS ball.  Cos next week Wednesday is ONLY two days before my scheduled beta.  And honestly I really don’t see the point in peeing on a stick a mere two days before a blood test.  I *might* (and this is an extremely tentative might) POAS on the morning of the beta, just to prepare myself (and Cliff) for what the outcome might be.

And that dear hearts is the long and short of it.

Why Worry?

Week One = Just about Squashed

It’s Friday. 

Which means that I’m just about one week through the aweful two week wait.  I’ve been trying to keep myself busy so that I can keep my mind off what is supposed to have been happening inside my uterus.  Some days this week I’ve actually managed too

Other days not so much.

But overall I’ve handled well, I still have hope that this is it and I believe in the miracle that could well have taken place.  I bought a pressie for my friend yesterday (we found out she is having a son and a daughter – perfect pigeon pair).  Cute little clothes for her munchkins.  And I could not help myself, I had to buy one or two or five for the baby(s) that might be growing in my belly as I type this.

Will I feel stupid if this ends up unravelling?  Sure.  I’ll pack up those one or two or five outfits in the baby box hiding at the bottom of the cupboard along with all the other baby stuff I’ve collected over the years.  And my heart will be sore.

But right now, I’ve believed enough to buy them, I need to believe I’ll get to use them.

Heading into the second week of the two week wait is not easy, but as long as I manage to keep myself busy and not too obsessed, I think we’ll be fine.

I just realised…

I borrowed this from Last American Girl standing.

I just realised… that I should have had more to eat for breakfast, my stomache is eating itself! 

I just realised that my chest-size… is perfect for my body.

I just realised that my job… while awesome is not the be end to end all.

I just realised that when I’m driving…  I must look really odd to everyone else the way I sing along and dance to the music. 

I just realised that I need… to continue let go and let God. 

I just realised that realize that I have lost… nothing and gained everything.  

I just realised that I hate it when… people read over my shoulder. 

I just realised that if I’m drunk… I’m either a lot of fun or a crying mess.  

I just realised that money…  comes and goes, sometimes you have it sometimes you don’t.  

I just realised that certain people… sometimes choose incorrectly.  

I just realised that I’ll always… give it my everything. 

I just realised that my sibling… loves me more than I sometimes care to admit.  

I just realised that my mom… will always be my best friend, even when she annoys me.

I just realised that my cell phone… is used WAY too much.  

I just realised that when I wake up in the morning… I warm and mix my gestone shots while I’m still half asleep. 

I just realised that last night before I went to sleep… I put my hands over my tummy and thanked God for the miracle that might be growing there. 

I just realised that right now I am thinking… that I really should have eaten more for breakfast (yes again!)  

I just realised that my dad… is an adult and I am not meant to be his parent and that does not mean I love him any less.

I just realised that today… is the day when miracles are happening all over the world.  

I just realised that tonight… is Cliff’s turn to cook )) 

I just realised that tomorrow… needs to be lived tomorrow. 

I just realised that I really want to… pee.  

I just realised that life… is magical even during the hard times.  

I just realised that my friends… understand more than I ever thought they could.

I just realised that this year… has only got 5 Mondays left in it… time FLIES! 

I just realised that my exes… would never have supported me and loved me through lifes challenges like Cliff has. 

I just realised that maybe I should.. remember to focus on my needs more, I give too much of myself to others and often don’t get it back in return.  

I just realised that I love… Life and all it has for me.  

I just realised that I don’t understand… many, many things – but that this is also ok, we’re not meant to understand everything.  

I just realised that my past… has made me who I am, and I can be proud of myself.  

I just realised that parties… make me happy – I love entertaining.  

I just realised that I’m totally terrified… of nothing, I know I can handle the challenges life throws at me, even though while I’m in the thick of them it may not feel like I can.

I just realised that my life… ROCKS!

Say what?

I’m sure that anyone who is part of the blogging community can relate to what I’m about to talk about – weird search terms that have landed people on your blog.

I found that when I first started blogging many of my search terms were pretty standard ART searches, but as time has gone on and my posts  have become more expansive, I’ve been seeing some pretty weird search terms coming up more frequently.

Many times these search terms give me a great laugh but sometimes I have to take a step back and think “say what?”, sometimes I just really don’t understand how the search terms have landed people here.  So yes I talk about vagina’s, dildo cams, scans, runny tummies and the like but really?  That search term really got you *here*?

Stuff like “finger in the ass” which comes up way too often for my liking.  It’s right up there with “anal rings! bling for your pooper!”.  Say what?  Darling’s, but I have to say this 150% categorically, I am a firm believer in the fact that your a-hole, it’s an exit only!  So no, I don’t put my finger in my ass and am really not interested in anal rings or any kind of bling for my pooper thankyouverymuch.

I also get A LOT of searches for brazilian waxes and pictures of brazilian waxes and “are brazilian waxes sore” and so it goes on.  I know I’m a oversharer, but I will not be posting a pic of my brazilian wax anytime soon but suffice it to say that yes it can be a tad uncomfortable to have hot wax put on your girly bits and have the hair ripped out of it… Nuff said.

Someone wants to know if you can put “crinone anus”… I would not think so, I know that I’ve used cyclogest rectally but I for the life of me cannot,  no make that will not imagine the cottage cheese crinone stuff up my butt.  EEEEEUUUUWWWW!  Don’t do it – not ever!

Lastly for the searcher that is “scared to try another HPT in case of BFN”, this is EXACTLY why I am severely anti POAS… It causes mental illness in you.  Cos unless those two lines appear right off the bat, you are forced to squint at the test strip for a million minutes convincing yourself that there is indeed a line there – f.a.i.n.t but it’s there.  No it isn’t. Yes it is. Gah, chuck the damn thing in the rubbish.  Make tea, Run to the bin, scavenge the icky HPT out – check it again.  Get pliers to take it apart.  Hold still wet strip up against the light, now against the window.  This is not working.  Get a camera.  Take a negative image – upload onto the PC, shit!  No farking line.  Throw strip away.  Remake tea.  Run back to bin, fish out extra icky strip. Cry.  *sigh*  It’s not good for the soul my dear.  Rather stay in your dream world.  Cos as long as you don’t poas you still have hope.  May not work for everyone but it works for me.  I wish you all the best.

What are the craziest or “say what” terms that you’ve had on your blog?

Boutique

She’s a Winner!

How cool is this? 

Our little jack russel is a Winner!  Cliff entered her into a random competition on news24.com and she WON (scroll down to see the winning photo taken while we were on holiday in Plett last year)! 

A total of 45 votes for our little munchkin means that she we I win a voucher from Kalahari.net   I always knew my little nunu was GORGEOUS and so so TALENTED – now it’s been validated by everyone else as well

Fab Four

This is the day that the Lord made, a day SO filled with hope and love.  This is also the day that we transfered our Fab Four back to the mothership.  I’m so overwhelmed and grateful to have got to this stage again.  Now all we can do is continue praying, hoping and believeing that this will be IT.

I always get emotional when we see our embies on the screen.  The clinic was BUSY this morning – lots of ladies in for mid cycle scanning and we got to see the doc to discuss our babies at around 08h30 or so.  We had a look at them – all 7 still around, still holding all our hope in the midst of their cells.  We had 1 very fragmented embie and 4 early blasts and 2 compacting embies as at 07h00 this am.  Funnily enough our little Limpy had made it all the way to compacting embryo this morning – just goes to show that one can never under estimate your embryo’s.  Each and every one of them has the potential to become the child you long for.  It’s going to sound weird, but I was oddly proud of our little Limpy – he had overcome the odds and lived to fight another 2 days.

I filled my bladder and then we made our way down to the surgical wing for transfer.  We had the whole suite to ourselves – was nice cos we got extra special love and care from our divine FS and the nursing sister and the embryologist.  Lying on the bed, I could not help but project to the day I would finally be holding a baby in my arms.  We transfered 3 x early blasts and 1 x compacting embryo.  (Unfortunatley Limpy did not make it to transfer, and you might ask why we never transfered the 4 early blasts, the embryologist felt that the one compacting was better quality than the 4th early blast) For now they are snug as bugs in rugs.  And I’m already in love with what they could be.

Push to Day 5

Oh my word – can someone please tell Mother Nature to turn summer back on?  Cos I’m feeling decidedly like a duck – enough with the rain already… After battling traffic this am (why is it that people see rain and drive like morons?) we finally got to the clinic to have our day 3 embryology feedback with the FS.

We met all the couples who I had ER with in the waiting room this morning and they were all so positive and excited.  And funnily enough so was I.  I always get so emotional to see our embryo’s on the screen, it’s like those little bundles of cells hold so much hope and potential.  Those cells, they could be our children one day.  They might end up with my green eyes and temper and Cliff’s gorgeous legs… gets me everytime!

We were the second couple called back to have the big talk.  All of our embies are still alive and growing.  One is a real limper though, and it broke my heart to know that “he” was probably going to arrest in the next few hours or so.  Our other six are super.  One “excellent” quality 7 cell and 5 “excellent” quality 8 cells. 

Initially our FS wanted us to transfer 3 today and freeze 3.  We then discussed pushing them to day 5.  The FS we sat with said that there was no reason to not grow them onto day 5 and that considering that we’d grown embies to day 5 before that it would be a good option for us to consider.  His exact words were this “you’re not in this to get embryo’s for freezing, you’re in it to get pregnant”.

So a recap for my records, day 3 embies status were as follows:

• 1 x 4 cell (limpy)
• 1 x 7 cell
• 5 x 8 cells

So onto day 5 our precious embryo’s go!  Please join us in prayer that they all continue to grow as they should.

Please donate!

I find it amazing that we connect with so many different people around the world through this blog community that we have going down on the world wide web.

We meet like minded people, we meet people from all walks of life and at times we meet people quite by accident who just plain inspire us.  I met Bianca and her mother through Sharon.  Bianca is a wonderful, inspiring little girl who has shown me the true fighting spirit that each and every one of us has hidden inside us.  Her Mom, Lea, has just recently stepped back into the working world and has been given permission by her bosses (how cool is that?) to have her head shaved by her little fighter in an effort to raise money for the fight of Cancer.

While I know many of us are not Kiwi’s, I would ask you to please search your heart and if you are led to, please donate/sponsor Lea and Bianca.  Cancer does not discriminate, and if you can help some children in New Zealand fight this disease right now through this initiative, perhaps in some small way your generosity will find it’s way back to children in your home town/country who are also facing the challenges and fight that this disease brings with it.

Head on over to the Whites of New Zealand to find out how to donate.