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Lost my cool

Totally lost my cool with a colleague today…

I’m so annoyed with myself for losing it the way I did but I guess I have been holding this anger that I feel towards him in for ages so it is not surprising that I lost it… but I still hate losing my cool with people I work with…

A while ago this person went to the acting manager (behind my back) and complained about me saying that I did not do enough and I did not do any work and that he had “done his investigations into me” (read : had gone to HR and asked them to check my paperwork!!) and that in his opinion I did not do what he knows an ”X”  to do… he complained about me in an open meeting with the other assistant manager who also then jumped on the band wagon and complained and who said if that was true and my title was truly “X” that he was also pissed that I was not doing what they thought I shoud be doing…

The acting manager called me in the next day and asked me about this and I told him that I was very surprised that it had taken the initial complainer since October last year to realise what my title was and to complain about it.  Now admittedly when one hears my title one does get a perception of what I am “supposed” to do, but when I started working here I negotiated a different job spec and the ONLY reason I was given “X” title was becuase the GM and Operations Manager felt it had to be “X” to justify my salary (which is a reasonably good one).  I also stated this for the record with the acting manager but also told him catagorically that I really don’t give a flying fig what my title is – I am doing the job I was hired to do and that is listed in my job description and he can call me the “tea maker” if it was THAT big an issue…

Well this afternoon while checking up that the initial complainant had done what he was supposed to have done, he arrogantly told me to brief the staff… so I said to him ” XXX, surley you have read the function sheet and know what to brief the staff about” and he just looked at me and was like “no YOU can do something for once and brief the staff”… I duly briefed the staff and then he came to me and complained that I had spoken to him badly and should not have asked him if he read his fucntion sheet and that my attitude to him stinks… I let rip, I told him that I was not willing to deal with a back stabber who can run to the operations manager and my acting manager behind my back to complain about me and that I thought it was shocking that he did not have the guts to tell me his issues to my face. (little bit of double standards there on my side cos I was not willing to confront him about his complaint in the first place *blush*)  It ended up getting quite heated and I feel bad now that I lost it to that extent with him… BUT I am glad that I got it out and off my chest… it has been brewing for a while, bubbling under the surface and a good air clearing was probably in order, but I wish that I had remained calm and rational when going through it with him…

I have been working on this particular aspect of myself (cos it is not so nice this tendancy to give into my temper) but clearly that Irish blood of mine can still get riled up all to easily sometimes!

Hello Google :)

Time for another round up of funny/strange search terms that led people to my modest little blog… in some cases I’m sure they did not get quite what they were looking for but anyway, I hope they enjoyed their stay regardless

There are A LOT of people who google “embarrassing stories”, or “embarrassing tampon stories”, or “embarrrassing pantie stories” – thank heavens I am not alone in this area of life - I feel better knowing that there are LOADS of us out there… erm, unless the people who are googling those search phrases are sicko’s… in that case “take a hike jack off’s”, nothing for you to see here….

And absolutely EVERYONE (ok so 98% of the bloggin world) loves my red hair – even the googler who asked to see a “foxy redhead” and got to see my mugg shot – lucky boy!!!  Or girl!!!

I’m a bit confused about this one – “ocd peeing”?  I did not even know one could do that, but I for one would think that if you are peeing compulsively and obsessively it cannot be good for one’s bladder… if you are peeing excessively – you might be pregnant, but you might also just be drinking a lot of water which I know from personal experiece causes one to “pee like a racehorse”… but ocd peeing?  That one still stumps me…

“Hair everywhere” – I have a quick and simple solution – get a wax… or check out my hair do’s and vote for dark brunette already!  I *really* am enjoying myself as a dark brunette and so far only 2 or 3 girls agree… so vote dammit! Vote!

I can so relate to this googler, it seems she too is “surrounded by fertile people” and I can say with 100% certainty that the googler was a woman cos I sure as crumbs have never heard a man complaining about all those fertile people out there… Hmmm, maybe that pregnant man did before he managed to fall pregnant but surely he would have been the only one right?  Sorry my dear – this crummy thing about being infertile is that we will always be surrounded by those who are fertile… try not cry too obviously when you see them… I find that dark glasses work to hide my red eyes… and pretending you’ve got flu works too…

Someone wanted to know “can melted ice cream be frozen again” and why yes it can be dear googler, BUT it gets all crusty and sometimes glazier like and I personally WILL NOT eat ice cream like that… keep that in mind for when you’re entertaining – ok?

Gosh knows we all know where this googler is coming from cos much like her we have all “squeezed nipples & 2ww”… Nuff said…. *guilty furtive look over shoulder*

Dear googler, I’m not quite sure what “itchy ovaries” are but I would like to know how on earth you eased them… it’s not like you can ask your partner to scratch them for you know can ya? 

And lastly to the person who googled “I’m 16 and get bad thoughts in my head”  please speak to someone you trust (a friend, teacher, aunt, pastor etc) about those bad thoughts… We have all got bad thoughts in our heads at some point in our lives – the trick is not to let them govern us or our actions… if the bad thoughts relate to sex, that is completely natural but again rather chat to someone about them so you can process… I pray that your situation is not overwhelming and that you will find peace and comfort…

Oh wait… for that person who wanted to find a “baby making recipe”  if you find one that does not involve “relaxing”, “just adopting and you’ll fall pregant”, or “going on holiday” (even though I *will* be doing that soon) let me know ok… I’d be interested to try it…

What funny / weird search term has been *your* all time favourite?

Statistically Unlucky…

… that is what Cliff and I are according to our wonderful doc.  We finally had our FET post mortem with him last week Thursday (sorry I have been so quiet was on a conference and worked at the annual golf day yesterday – having blog withdrawls) and it went as well as can be expected when you are again facing your FS after a negative result.

We discussed the failed FET and all things considered the negative result was not that surprising to them or us mostly due to the fact that frozen embryo’s lose 50% of their viablility due to the freezing and the clinic considers any pregnancies from FET’s to be extremely special and “lucky”.  I asked my doc if I should be worried that my uterus is crap and he told me not to be concerned about that at this stage – they cleared the endo and it looks good and my lining has always been excellent, that is when he dropped the “unlucky” bombshell… According to him we *should* have been pregnant on my fresh cycle cos all things were in our favour, good response to meds, great egg harvest, excellent quality embryos – just bad luck.  He is not sitting on his laurels though, cos as he said my age is on their side and he really feels that the “young” girls (I told him not to forget beautiful – young *and* beautiful ) really should be the “lucky” ones who have first time successful IVF’s, so he has sent me for further blood tests to check that I am not getting a clotting disorder when the embryo’s are transferred which might be killing them… He has sent me for the phospolippid antibodies, ANF and inherited thrombophilia screening tests… (I threw those in there for all of us qualified doctors out there!)

We are as I’ve mentioned before taking a break – he has asked me to go on BCP while we are on the break firstly to keep my ovaries and endo under control an secondly cos (as he so tactfully put it) it is not like we stand much of a chance of trying ourselves when my history is of having over 100 day cycles… so back onto the pill I go for the next three months… On the plus side maybe by me going back on the pill and us not standing much of chance, we can focus on helping our ailing sex life out… 

We are planning a holiday to Plettenburg Bay in November and we are going to have a good Christmas and New Year with lots of friends and parties and fun… Then we’ll tackle IVF # 2 in January 2009… so now 2008 conception or baby for me….

When we are ready for our next cycle, we will follow the exact same protocol as we did for our first, simply cos it worked so well for us… the only thing we will alter is we will have a day 5 transfer and not a day 3 transfer…

So that is our plan! 

I’ll still be blogging about inane stuff and hope you will all continue to follow my life and journey!  But for now, it is time to live life as Sam the woman and friend, not just as Sam the infertility patient…

I’m actually looking forward to it… good times are ahead… just you wait and see

Thoughts in my head…

I have been over thinking things today… I do that sometimes… I had a whole post planned on how I am going to top up my spirit but then my fingers but felt compelled to get this out… this is a bit of a brain dump.

I checked in on our little ever expanding support community Fertilicare yesterday as I usually do and some of the posts got me thinking  A LOT… now this is my opinion and I am not judging anyone here, I am just working this over in my head so please keep that in mind…

There were a couple of threads started about how seeing little ones at the fertility clinics hurts those of us who have not had any children yet and there were comparisons drawn between those of us who are ttc #1 and those of us who are ttc # 2 or 3… To be dead honest *I* don’t think that anyone can really draw comparisons in this journey called infertility. 

While there are those of us who have gone through SO much in our walk, those of us who are just starting out have also had to jump over the hurdles of being reproductively challenged.  The thing is that this journey is an immensely personal one, and what I may think of as routine might be the end of the world to the girl sitting next to me at the clinic.  Can I admit (cos I’m being dead honest right now) that I sometimes get annoyed with *that* girl, the one who has been ttc for 2 months and is bleating about how devastating the 2ww is for her? Sure, of course I do, in fact some days I could probably smother her with a pillow, but the fact remains that perception is reality and to her, to *that* girl the 2ww is torture.  Do I feel that I deserve this more than anyone else?  98 % of the time I can say that no, I don’t think that, but I do sometimes fall into that 2 % bracket and I will shamefacedly admit that I do think I deserve it and it is my time… 

And what about the girls facing secondary infertility?  Surely they cannot feel as much pain as those of us trying for number one “cos they know what it’s like to have a baby already?”  I’m not so sure, I think that the girls who have had children already and are battling to expand their families might feel the pain *more* acutely cos they know what they are missing out on… but at the same time the longing to fill empty arms has the power to overwhelm those of us who are still waiting on that blessing.  But we share the longing with our secondary infertility sisters… the longing still rests in the hearts of all of us wanting a child whether it be child # 1 or # 2 or # 3 or # 4.  I don’t think the stigma of being an infertile is ever “cured” by having children… I think our scars and hurts and longings are tempered when we manage to have our children but we still know and remember the essense of the infertile heart and mind…

Then it also begs that age old question – is it better to know you can fall pregnant or not?  Again I’m really not sure, but I think for me personally I would prefer not falling preganant to falling pregnant and having to ensure miscarriage after miscarriage.  I cannot imagine how the woman who’ve had to ensure miscarriage after miscarriage or late losses during pregnancy get through something like that… To me, I think this must be the most soul destroying thing to have to go through… cos at the end of the day life goes on after dealing with these losses… businesses continue to make money, friends and family continue to live their lives on a day to day basis, and other people continue to go on to create and / or expand their families…

Sometimes I think that for those of us undergoing treatment we know about our pregnancies too early and it can cause us so much pain… I think of the girls who fall pregnant with no intervention and don’t even know that they are pregant and “get their period”, they really are none the wiser and carry on regardless… I guess in many ways Ignorance *is* bliss… and in a warped way we infertiles are robbed of the innocence of conception… And that is surely a pain we all feel in our own way?

While I can easily think back to the pain infertility has caused me, I must also remember that it has given me many gifts as well… I know that my partner will stand by my side no matter what and is prepared to work through the challenges we face as a couple – no matter how hurt we both feel because of those challenges, my faith has held strong thus far in this battle (and many a time it took a severe beating and nearly lost the war), my friends and family are true treasures, I am more sensitive to others now, I listen better and I hear more, I am much more compassionate towards others now and I love harder and am more able to recognise my blessings.  Before it was easy to overlook them.

I have quite the love hate relationship with my infertility.  It has brought out both the bad and the good in me and I’m pleased to say that there has been more good…

My pain is your pain is our pain.  In the pain olympics of infertility we all “win” the gold and we are bonded by that common thread.  It sucks, but at least it sucks together…

So my sense of humour…

Hair, Hair Everwhere!!

Inspired by my 6 Random things post, I’ve decided to give you gals the power! 

I’m posting pics of myself with different hair colours and you get to tell me which one looks the best in your humble opinions   You are allowed to have more than one favourite but try and max it to two ok?  That way you can help me decide what hair colour I’ll keep for summer (which starts soon in SA – yippeeee)… Try and only focus on the hair colour and not the style of the hair or the odd or weird facial expressions on my face in the photo’s (although they might well make you laugh) when making your opinion…

Let the judging begin!!

SAM THE BLONDE:

SAM THE REDHEAD:

SAM THE LIGHTER BRUNETTE:

SAM THE DARK BRUNETTE:

So?  Which is YOUR favourite?

6 Random Things about Me…

I was tagged by my very cool “we’re getting through this break together buddy” No Regrets.

Here are the rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you – check!

2. Post the rules to your blog – check!

3. Write 6 random things about myself – thinking of those – half check…. and now check!

4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them – check!

5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog. check!

6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted. check!

Here are my 6 random things:

• I have green eyes… as far as I know no-one else in my family has green eyes… Mom = hazel brown, Dad = blue and sister = blue… sometimes I think I am the milk man’s kid or that I was swapped at the hospital… but I know I can’t have been cos I look like my Mom and sister…
• I HATE HATE HATE it when ppl hang up the phone when they’ve dialed a wrong number without saying “sorry wrong number”.  It drives me B.A.T.T.Y!  If I could I would climb down the phone line and throttle them – I just find it SO BLOODY RUDE…
• I often give my cousins advise not to get married too young even though I got married relatively young (26) and LOVE married life (most of the time ).  In this case what is good for the goose is not necessarily good for the gander.
• My hair colour is naturally mousy brown – I dislike it intently!  Due to this I have been bottle blonde, strawberry blonde, purple, red, brown and am currently very very dark bown almost black I guess… Of all the colours I have dyed my hair I think I look best with red or dark hair but general consensus is that I’m best blonde… hmmm might have to do a little test of that on here soon…
• I used to bite my nails – BADLY.  I used to bite them so badly that my cuticles use to bleed (I know how GROSS).  Then I met a boy who was a hottie and he told me how much he liked my friends beautiful hands and nails.  Hey presto!  I stopped biting my nails.  *He* turned out to be gay.
• I still think to this day (nearly 13 years on) that the dress I wore to my Matric Dance (prom) was one of the best most classic ones out of our whole group.  I think that the rest of them were trying too hard to be hip and fashionable and that when they look back at their photos later they might regret their choice of dress… I still like the dress I wore… classic black and timeless.

Right so I tag:

Nic @ My family and other animals

Bee Cee @ Definition of Insanity (think of this as a way to pass time my friend)

Sharon @ The Not So Secret Life of Us

Super M @ Bugged (cos she has decided to keep on blogging – yeah!!!)

Elize @ Get Pregnant

Tam @ Peanuts Journey

This is how I feel right now…

 

Except I don’t have a mouse with a gun to my head I have this thing called infertility…

I hate it with such a passion, I hate that it makes me lose sight of the good things in my life, that it wraps me in the straight jacket that I can’t break out of, that it consumes me and is slowly killing my faith and my ability to enjoy the blessings that I have…

Beta was an unsurprising NEGATIVE!  I should have known… any sign of blood in my case is JUST not a good sign…

We have to take a break, firstly because we just cannot afford more treatment now, but also because we need to heal emotionally and we need to focus on trying to be “us” again…

Thank you for all your support – as usual it blows me away at how quickly you wonderful people rally around those who need support and wrap us in your loving arms…

T -1 Days and crap have to test today!

I sent my lovely doc an email yesterfday asking him if I should consider testing one day early, and I got a response from him early this am asking me to please come in and test today if I can… well I only got the darn email this morning and I work FAR away from the clinic and I don’t have a lab close to work that I can quickly run to…  I am leaving work at 12h00 – rush home, get my blood form, rush to the clinic and chain myself to the door until they give me answers ask nicely if they can do an urgent turn around for me and get the the result…

I had more brown in my CM this am when I inserted the morning dose of cyclogest, and have passed a spot about the size of a 10 cent piece on my panty liner.  I am not feeling very confident at this point.  I still have the lower back pain and now have a few light cramps happening as well.  Not having regular cycles at all I am not sure if I can consider this my worst enemy making her appearance period or not, but I am at this point thinking it is her knocking not so softly at my door…